Author: dave

Bozo criminal for today comes from Madison County, Nebraska where bozo Curtis Baxter bought himself a check printing program at the local office supply store. Then, in true bozo fashion, he printed up a check made out to himself for $22 million. Nope, he didn’t try it out with a $20 check, he wrote one for $22 million. He pulled up to the drive-thru window at the Bank of Norfolk and tried to cash it (small bills please). Even though he gave the teller his ID, she told him she couldn’t cash it since the check didn’t have the name of the issuing bank on it. Not willing to give up that easily, our bozo returned a short time later with the name "Reality Perspective Bank" hand written at the top of the check. Still didn’t work. He’s under arrest.

Bozo for 6/11/02

Bozo criminal for today goes to show that Bozos are not just dumb when it comes to crime, many times they are severely lacking in the decision making department as well. From St. Petersburg, Florida comes the story of reputed Genovese crime family member Anthony Laura who was on trial for allegedly driving the getaway car during a 1998 murder. After the jury reported that it was deadlocked 11-1, our bozo acted against the advise of his lawyer and waved his right to an unanimous decision, thinking that the jury was surely deadlocked in his favor, which would have set him free. Wrong. They were instead deadlocked in favor of conviction. The judge sentenced him to life in prison. He’s appealing on the grounds the verdict was unfair.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Harry Childs for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Mexico City, Mexico comes the story of a bozo who learned the hard way that his mother was right about being a glutton. One morning at 8 o’clock he entered a pastry shop, flashed a knife and told the person behind the counter to give him a slice of chocolate cake. It must have been darn fine cake, too, since our bozo returned the following morning at 8 and pulled the same stunt, and again the next morning at 8 and the next morning at 8. By the fifth day, the clerk had noticed a pattern developing and called the cops around 7:30. They were there waiting to take him into custody when he showed up at 8 o’clock.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Modesto, California where bozo Jose Luis Lopez discovered the hard way that you have to be careful what you say around kids. Our bozo’s two grandkids, ages 7 and 5 took $1100 of grandpa’s cash to school for show and tell time. They told the teacher they took the cash from a pile of money in grandpa’s van and that grandpa had "made" the money. The teacher called the cops who at first found the kids a bit frightened and hesitant to talk to them. Finally the officer asked the little boy what his favorite game was. He told him that it was the video game "Frogger" and that his grandfather’s favorite game was "the moneymaking game." The cops caught up with gramps and arrested him even while he was trying to stuff the evidence down his pants.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Corpus Christi, Texas comes the story of bozo Louis Parra who spotted someone he recognized in a local restaurant. Our bozo walked up to district attorney Mark Skurta and introduced himself. Something like, "Hi, remember me? You prosecuted a case against me back in 1987." The district attorney remembered our bozo all too well. He also remembered that he skipped town before he was ever sentenced. He’s now introducing himself to his new cell mate.

Bozo criminals for today come from College Station, Texas. Bozo Enrique Clayton was home from South Korea where he was stationed with his army unit. Bozo Enrique cooked up a plan with his bozo girlfriend Bethany Welch that they thought would keep him from having to go back overseas. Bozo Enrique convinced Bethany to shoot him in the leg. He then sent her to the police station to report that he had been shot in a robbery at a rest stop. Their story quickly disintegrated when the cops discovered that Enrique’s "missing" wallet was in his apartment. And the gun used in the assault was found in his car. Part of the plan did work, however. He won’t be going back to Korea. He’s presently stationed in jail.

Bozo criminal for today needs to find a better supporting cast. From Toledo, Ohio comes the story of bozo Eric Denton who pulled a daytime bank robbery and rushed out only to find his getaway driver had been spooked and had fled the scene without him. Panicking, our bozo simply jumped into the back seat of the next car he saw and told the driver to step on it. Not the best idea. The driver was a plainclothes police officer and the vehicle was an unmarked patrol car. And the person in the passenger seat was also an officer who quickly disarmed our bozo. He was given a ride, though. Directly to jail.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from Modesto, California where bozo Richard King tried to rob a branch of the Bank of America without using a weapon. He walked in, threatened the teller, using his thumb and forefinger in his pocket to simulate a gun. Things were going along well until our bozo forgot and pulled his hand out while gesturing to the teller, revealing that his "gun" was actually his hand. Seeing that he was no threat, the teller simply walked away to call the cops. Our bozo eventually grew tired of waiting and walked out of the bank and right in to the arms of the just arriving police officers.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Greg Hanke for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Rangiora, New Zealand comes the story of bozo Michael Burns and his two accomplices who made careful plans to break into a tobacco shop. First, the bozos cut the wire leading to the burglar alarm, then they forced their way in and helped themselves to some cigarettes and a few cigars. But before the trio could make their getaway police were on the scene. And it was all because of one flaw in their not so carefully thought out plan. The burglar alarm they disconnected was for the store next door. The one in the tobacco shop was still working just fine.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 0059: When escaping from any location, to be successful you have to actually leave. From the International File in southern Alberta, Canada comes the story of bozo Raymond Tyree who was serving time with no hope for parole. So he decided to pull a daring escape, sort of. He crawled into the prison’s ventilation system and just kept on crawling, around and around and through different areas of the prison staying in the ductwork but never finding his way out. Other prisoners took pity on him and brought him food and water before prison officials finally tracked him down. Two months and 30 pounds later. He’s in a new cell with no ductwork.

Bozo criminal for today comes from La Porte, Indiana where bozo Edward Gresham walked into the sheriff’s station to post bail for someone. Things were busy and our bozo was asked to take a seat until someone was available to help him. He plopped down in one of the office’s comfy chairs and before along he was fast asleep, snoring loudly, with his mouth wide open. One of the deputies tried to awaken him and noticed something inside our bozo’s mouth. Upon closer inspection it was determined to be two small bags of rock cocaine. He’s now joined his friend in jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Ogden, Utah where bozo Frank Seymore walked by and snatched some jewelry from a street vendor. Now this should be a pretty easy crime to pull off most weekends of the year. But our bozo picked the wrong weekend. This particular weekend motorcycle cops from across the country were in Ogden for a convention. In fact, several cops were washing their bikes nearby when they heard the street vendor’s cries for help. Before our bozo knew it he was surrounded by more motorcycle police officers than he had ever seen before in his life. Needless to say he was busted.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 8989: After stealing a car, it’s not usually a good idea to call back to ask for instructions. From Albuquerque, New Mexico comes the story of bozo Adrian Salas who, along with some friends, carjacked an Acura Integra, forcing three passengers out at gunpoint and speeding away. A short time later, our bozo somehow obtained the owner of the car’s phone number and called to ask him if he could tell him how to hook up the car stereo’s amplifier. The cops used caller ID to track down and arrest our bozo.

It seems it may be getting hot very early this year. Yesterday’s story involved a stolen air conditioner and if he’d had an air conditioner our bozo for today might not be in the trouble he’s in. From Sharpes, Florida comes the story of bozo William Andrews who was pulled over by the cops after they recieved several complaints of a naked man driving down I-95. Our bozo put on pants and a shirt before pulling over and told the cops he was driving naked because he was hot. And as for the other thing that attracted everyone’s attention, he said he didn’t realize his dome light was on. He’s cooling off in jail.

Bozo criminals for today come from the Internal Affairs Division. From Homewood, Alabama comes the story of bozo police officers John Sterling and Kathy Holloway who were fired from the force last week after they were allegedly caught discussing how much they wanted to steal an air conditioner. (Must be a heat wave going on in Homewood) And our two bozos picked the absolute worst place to plan their heist. From inside a patrol car. And since police vehicles have video and audio recorders inside the whole thing was caught on tape. Our bozos did show they have some heart. On the tape they talked about how much they didn’t want to steal from someone in their home town.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Eileen Dunstone for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Canberra, Australia comes the story of bozo Norman Parker who went shopping at a department store and found a sweater he liked. He took it into one of the changing rooms, removed the security tag, stuffed the sweater underneath his jacket and headed for the door. He didn’t make it out the door, however, as a security alarm went off just as he was passing through. How could this have happened? He removed the security tag, right? Yep, and when he removed it, he dropped it in his pants pocket. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Eugene, Oregon where bozo David Coker was in need of a good night’s sleep, we guess. Bozo David broke into an apartment in Eugene, took off his clothes and slipped into bed beside a woman and her boyfriend who were already sleeping soundly. Our bozo soon fell asleep himself but it was to be a short nap. The woman woke up, noticed a stranger snoring beside her and began screaming. Her boyfriend jumped out of bed and chased our bozo out the front door. In his haste, he left behind his pants, which contained his wallet and ID. Didn’t take the cops long to track him down. He’s now testing the jail’s mattress.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Hartford, Connecticut where bozo Larry Darnell snatched a woman’s purse. Our bozo was on the way to a nearby store to use the stolen credit cards when the cell phone in the purse rang. It was the cops, hoping our bozo would answer. But he was too smart for that. Our bozo grabbed the phone and tried to turn it off. Unfortunately, he wasn’t quite smart enough to do that. Instead of hitting the "Off" button, he hit the "Answer" button. Satisfied that the phone had stopped ringing, he threw it back into the purse, which he was still carrying around. The cops could hear everything that was going on and, using the background music to help identify which store he was in, arrested him before he completed his shopping.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fayette County, Pennsylvania where bozo Duron Frank was brought into court on drug possession charges. While in the courthouse, our bozo was approached by a couple of police officers who were there to serve him with a warrant in an unrelated case. Seeing the officers, our bozo became very agitated and said, "Man, I got the blow on me." Oh really? The officers checked him and indeed he was carrying two grams of crack cocaine and some marijuana. Right there in the courthouse. On the day he was scheduled to go before a judge. He’s back behind bars.