Author: dave

Bozo criminals for today violated Bozo Rule Number 7089: If you’re going to try to become a ticket scalper, be sure the tickets you are trying to sell have some value. From St. Petersburg, Florida comes the story of a team of bozos who had hopes of getting rich quick by scalping sports tickets. Our bozos used a stolen credit card to buy 180 tickets to a four game series between the Tampa Bay Devil Rays and the Seattle Mariners. They obviously failed to check the standings before they bought the tickets. The Devil Rays are the worst team in baseball and their attendance is the lowest in the league. In fact there were more than 125,000 empty seats for those four games. Needless to say there was almost no demand for the tickets and our bozos had sold only a couple before they were caught by the cops.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Greg Branch for alerting us to this bozo from our own backyard. From Longview, Texas comes the story of bozo Suzanne Franklin who had been in jail for the last week after getting into a fight with her husband during an argument. Her hubby called her while she was in jail and, thinking they had patched things up, came down and bailed her out. Boy, was he wrong. They were scrapping again before they ever left the courthouse. Right in front of one of the deputies, bozo Suzanne threw a punch. It didn’t land but it did land her right back behind bars.

Bozo criminals for today come from San Antonio, Texas where Tony Allen and April Sanders held up branch of the Compass Bank. Fleeing the scene, they soon found themselves in a chase with the cops. Notice we didn’t say "high speed" chase. That’s because our bozos choice of a getaway vehicle was a rented U-Haul truck with a governor installed to prevent the truck from going faster than 65 miles per hour. It didn’t take long for the cops to catch and arrest them.

Bozo criminals for today come from Newark, New Jersey where a bozo group of counterfeiters made some big money, and that’s what ultimately got them into trouble. Our bozos presented $125 billion in fake bills as collateral to a brokerage house for a $650 million credit line supposedly for an African charity. A couple of things alerted the brokerage house that the money might be phony. The bills printed by our bozos were for $100 million. Yep, a $100 million dollar bill (uh, could you change this for me?) And the second problem-they forgot to put the letter "s" on "Dollars". They’ve been arrested.

We’ve said it time and again but still the bozos never learn-it’s not a good idea to use a cab as your getaway vehicle. From Montville, Connecticut comes the story of bozo Lance Haney and his friend Lori Smith. Bozo Lori got into a cab along with a friend at Dunkin’ Donuts. She then asked the cabbie to go across the street and pick up bozo Lance at the gas station. Lance had just robbed the place and when he jumped into the cab he shouted, "Go!Go!Go!" to the cabbie instead of giving him a destination. Then the driver heard the report on his police scanner about a robbery at a gas station. Putting two and two together our driver got going all right, straight to the nearby police barracks. He jumped out of the cab, tossed the keys into the woods and ran inside. The cops came out and arrested our bozos.

Don’t know if this actually happened on a Monday but our bozo was definitely having a "Monday" kind of day. From Ft. Myers, Florida comes the story of an unidentified bozo who jumped out of the bushes and robbed a Brinks armored car guard at gunpoint, spraying pepper spray in his face and getting away with a large bank bag. Our bozo’s excitement turned to disappointment when he opened the bag and discovered it contained no cash at all, only bank documents.

Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Matthews, Kentucky where bozo Thomas Morris was a little too greedy for his own good. Our bozo successfully stole a $75,000 Mercedes from a dealership by smashing through a closed garage door and simply driving out. This worked so well our bozo decided to try it again. The very next night. At the very same dealership. Breaking in through the very same door. With a completely different result. This time the dealership had increased security and the cops were on the lookout, resulting in our bozo’s quick capture.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the Bozo Lonely Hearts Club and the International File in Turin, Italy. 40 year old bozo Andre Como wanted a new girlfriend really, really, really badly. And it was how he went about meeting the woman of his dreams that got him into trouble. When bozo Andre would see a lovely woman drive by he would ram his car into hers, causing a minor accident. This gave him an opportunity to meet her, get her name and perhaps even take a picture or two of the damage with the woman conveniently in the shot. Don’t know if our bozo ever made a love connection but he was certainly busy. When the cops arrested him he was charged with causing 500 accidents and prosecutors searching his apartment turned up 2,159 photographs of female car owners and their damaged vehicles.

It’s always a treat when we have a bozo in our own backyard and that’s just what we have today. From Jacksonville, Texas comes the story of bozo Andre Meyers who held up the Fas-Fil convenience store, getting away with some cash and fleeing on foot. Our bozo ran to a nearby parking lot where his getaway car and driver were waiting. They then sped away-for about 20 feet. And then the getaway car ran out of gas. They were still trying to re-start the car when the police arrived.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Cleveland, Ohio where police officers were called to a report of a car parked outside a bar with its lights on. There they found our bozo, James Bosley, sitting inside his car, sound asleep. That in itself is not a crime. It was the rolling paper in his hand and a big bag of marijuana in his lap that got him busted. Upon awakening our bozo admitted the pot was his and he was escorted to jail.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Calcutta, India comes the story of an unidentified bozo who noticed a group of men approaching his shop. Thinking they were rival gangsters he fled on foot, running down the street until he came to a nearby police station where he rushed in to take refuge. Much to his surprise the "gangsters" followed him right into the police station and once there proceeded to place him under arrest. The "gangsters" were undercover cops who were serving a warrant on our bozo and couldn’t believe their luck when he delivered himself to the police station.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Greg Hanke for sending in today’s report. From Gainesville, Florida comes the story of bozo David Lance who violated Bozo Rule Number 8878: Always be smarter than the car you are trying to steal. Our bozo somehow managed to break into an Infiniti equipped with an antitheft device that automatically locks the car doors when an alarm is triggered. As soon as our bozo was inside the doors locked and try as he might he couldn’t find the switch on the driver’s side door that would have unlocked it and freed him. When the cops arrived they found him scrunched down in the back seat trying to hide. Didn’t work. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Stratford, Ontario, Canada where next time bozo Robert Raines should perhaps consider using the phone book. Bozo Robert was tending his large indoor marijuana growing operation one day when he needed to make a phone call (probably to order some pizza). Not having the number he needed, he called information, or at least that’s what he intended to do. In his somewhat addled state he dialed 911 instead of 411. He realized his mistake and hung up without saying anything when the 911 operator answered. A patrol car was sent to his residence as a matter of course and the police found his little farm. Busted!!

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Schwelm, Germany where bozo Rolf Becker came into a shoe shop and tried on several pair. He must have found some he liked because when no one was looking he walked out wearing them, without paying, of course. Investigating cops noticed our bozo had left his old worn out shoes behind. But inside those shoes was something interesting-his orthopedic inserts, marked with his health insurance number. He’s been arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Union City, New Jersey where bozo Troy Harris needed to be in court to face sentencing for auto theft. When he couldn’t find anyone to take him, what did he do? Take a cab? Nope. Hop on a bus? Nah. Steal another car? Sure. He drove the stolen car to the courthouse but a tipster called the cops to alert them and he was arrested when he arrived. He won’t be stealing any more cars for a while-he got six months in jail for the first offense and is awaiting trial on the new charge.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk KC Chatfield for sending in today’s report. From Portsmouth, Ohio comes the story of an unidentified bozo for whom patience was not a virtue. Our bozo handed the teller of the Fifth Third Bank of Portsmouth a note saying "You have 15 seconds to hand over $15,000." The teller looked at the note and said she’d have to talk to her supervisor about this and left to go get him, leaving our bozo tapping her foot and shouting to her to hurry up. The supervisor came over and told our bozo that he’ll have to go get the keys to the vault, pressing the silent alarm as he left. Growing more impatient by the second, our bozo finally gave up, saying, "Give me my note back, this is stupid!" Not as stupid as you are, lady. The security camera got a great picture of you as you headed out the door.

Bozo criminal for today violated seldom used Bozo Rule Number 9080: It’s best to leave the manufacture of fireworks to a professional. From Chicago, Illinois comes the story of bozos James Kowalski and Josh Fineman who wanted to celebrate the Fourth of July but just weren’t willing to pay the high prices for fireworks. So they decided to make some of their own. They filled 10 small balloons with explosive acetylene gas and planned to ignite them at a party later in the day. Loading up their car to head to the party they threw the balloons in the back and slammed the door. A spark ignited the balloons, blowing up the car and throwing our bozos several feet. They suffered only minor cuts and burns, can’t say the same for their car. Next time they’d probably better stick to Black Cats.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Gallup, New Mexico where an unidentified bozo did just about everything wrong in his attempt to rob the First Bank of Gallup. First, he picked a very poor disguise, a dirty old raincoat with the collar turned up and a pollen mask to cover his face. Then, he selected a rather poor container for the cash he hoped to take home, an empty, rolled up trash bag. Even with these things going against him he might have gotten away with at least a little money, except for one other thing. He waited until the bank was closed to try to hold it up. He was standing outside the bank in his robber getup, banging on the doors trying to get in when a bank manager inside heard the noise and called the cops.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mark Guthrie for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Springvale, Australia comes the story of bozo Walter Evans who hid inside a gift store at closing time, planning to clean out the place after everyone had gone home. The lights went out and our bozo went to work. He had collected quite a haul when he headed for the back door to let himself out only to discover that this store had no rear exit. No problem, he could always jimmy the front door, couldn’t he? Except for the fact that the shop had a rolling security gate on the front door that was locked up tight by the owner when he left. Trapped like a rat our bozo began to raise such a commotion that the shopkeeper next door called the cops. They gave him a helping hand with the aid of a ladder through a rooftop window. And then gave him a ride to jail.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Debbie Walters for sending in today’s report. From Melbourne, Florida comes the story of bozo Thomas Lopez who was passing through the metal detector at the Brevard County courthouse when the alarm went off. Guards asked him to please empty his pockets, which he did. Reaching into his right pocket, he pulled out some change and his keys. Reaching into his left pocket he pulled out a cigarette lighter and a bag of marijuana, which he placed on the table in front of the bailiff. Oops!! Realizing his big mistake, our bozo turned tail and dashed for the door. But being in a courthouse he was severely outnumbered and was quickly apprehended.