Author: dave

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Berlin, Germany where an unidentified bozo attempted to steal some items from a convenience store. This was one of those "smash and grab" robberies where the thief breaks in and quickly grabs as much merchandise as he can before fleeing. Our bozo was in the process of grabbing his goodies when his little finger became lodged in a wooden rack. It was stuck tight and try as he might, he couldn’t free it. And the rack was bolted down, so it wasn’t going anywhere, either. Someone called the cops who had to call the fire department to come down and free his pinky before he could be arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Cape Town, South Africa where police on a late night patrol came across a bozo struggling to push a wheelbarrow up the street. And the reason he was struggling so much was that there was a refrigerator loaded into the wheelbarrow. And at 3 o’clock in the morning a bozo pushing a refrigerator in a wheelbarrow down the street is going to attract a little attention. And when the officers opened the door, the fridge was still cold inside. He’s under arrest for theft. And one other thing, when they loaded him and his fridge into the van to take him downtown, he thought they were giving him a lift home and complained they were driving in the wrong direction.

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks for alerting us to this one. From Janesville, Wisconsin comes the story of bozo Chuck Alexander who spotted a high tech gizmo sitting on the front porch of a home. He wasn’t sure what it was but it looked kind of cool and he was sure it was very expensive. So he scooped it up and headed on his way, probably planning to take it to the pawn shop to see what it would bring. Before he had a chance to do that, however, the cops came knocking at his door with an arrest warrant for theft. You see, the high tech gizmo our bozo stole was a $2500 computerized tracking device used to keep track of jail prisoners on home detention. It also led the cops straight to our bozo’s door.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Tampa, Florida where bozo Gary Lambert had an elaborate plan for robbing a sporting goods store. He and his accomplices spent at least a week digging a tunnel underneath the store. Using chisels and sledgehammers they dug a five foot wide, forty foot long tunnel, reinforced with wooden pallets. Finally, they burst through the floor of the store. Our bozo was in the process of gathering up an armful of Tampa Bay football jerseys when the police pulled up. After all that careful preparation and all that work digging the tunnel, our bozo had failed to notice that the store had a motion detecting burglar alarm.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Sao Paulo, Brazil where bozo Luis San Pedro was wanted for escaping from prison after he failed to return from an authorized day out. Being fresh out of prison, our bozo needed a job and he found one, driving a mini bus which takes friends and relatives to visit prisoners at another facility in town. He was arrested on his first day on his new job when one of the guards recognized him.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Moscow, Russia. It seems our bozos were planning a big party. They’d invited all their friends, hired a disco DJ and brought in lots of food and drink (maybe too much drink). Now all they needed were some disco lights to set the mood. But in the former Soviet Union disco lights are hard to come by. So our enterprising bozos headed down to the nearest traffic light and stole it. They were headed back to their party when they were stopped by the cops. Have you ever tried to explain why you have a traffic in the back seat? They were arrested.

(Best of Bozo) From the International File in Rothsay, Scotland, comes the story of three bozos who had big plans to rob the local branch of the Bank of Scotland. Their plan went awry early on when they had trouble negotiating the front door. Somehow, the three managed to get stuck in the revolving doors, and they had to be freed by the bank staff. At this point, they sheepishly left the building to regroup. They entered the bank a second time, getting past the doors and going straight to the teller, who recognized them as the dopes who had just gotten stuck in the door. The teller only laughed when they demanded money. To prove he was serious, one of our bozos jumped onto the counter but slipped and fell to the floor, clutching has badly-sprained ankle. Seeing that things were going downhill fast, the other two bozos headed for the door. Yes, that door. And yes, they got stuck in it again. This time, they succeeded in remaining stuck there until the police arrived.

(Best of Bozo) From Woodbridge, New Jersey, comes the story of bozo Ariche Taylor and three of his bozo buddies who went looking for a car to steal late one evening. And of all the places to steal a car in New Jersey, our bozos picked perhaps the worst place of them all…the parking lot of the East Jersey State Prison. Our bozos were still searching the lot for the perfect car when they were surrounded by guards. And it’s not like our bozo didn’t know where he was…he’s spent 15 years of his life locked up in that very prison.

(Best of Bozo) Our bozo for today from Santa Clara, California, comes from the When You Gotta Go, You Gotta Go File. Bozo Frank Simmons and one of his buddies had been driving around all afternoon, drinking beer. And right now, they needed to find a restroom, and quick. And on this stretch of highway, there were no service stations in sight. Suddenly, they spotted a large bus. Thinking it was a Greyhound, our bozos began following it, hoping the driver would lead them to the depot and the much needed facilities. It looked like our bozos were in luck. The bus was slowing down and pulling into a large compound. And our bozos were right behind. Only this compound didn’t look much like a bus station. It had tall walls all around it and a security gate in front. Our bozos had followed a department of corrections bus transporting prisoners straight into the Elmwood Correctional Facility. They were arrested for DWI.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from New York City where bozo William Vines rushed into a New York police station and told the officer on duty that two men in a BMW had tried to cut him off in traffic and had waved a gun at him. And, in fact, he thought they were still waiting for him. When the police went outside to check, they found the two men trying to break into the trunk of our bozo’s Malibu. After arresting them, the cops decided to take a little look into our bozo’s trunk to see what the guys were after. In there they found almost half a million dollars worth of cocaine. Our bozo’s joined them in jail.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from Fort Worth, Texas, where bozo Charles Haney rode his bicycle to the Taco Bell window and demanded they give him all their money. And, our bozo added, while you’re at it, make me a chalupa! One employee handed him the money and went to work on his order while another employee called the cops. He was waiting for his chalupa when the police arrived.

Bozo criminal for today comes from our own hometown of Tyler, Texas where an unidentified bozo was stopped by the Tyler Police on suspicion of burglary. When the officer approached the car, our bozo just sat there, casually looking around and ignoring the officer. He didn’t say a word until after he was taken into custody. And that’s when he gave his reason for acting so nonchalant when the officer approached. He thought he was invisible. Unfortunately, he wasn’t. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Mexico City where two teenage bozos in full clown costumes climbed aboard a city bus. They did a song and dance routine and after no one on the bus offered any money for their performance, one of them pulled out a knife and demanded money from the passengers. They got off at the next stop but were quickly captured after the bus driver called the cops. Guess it’s a little hard to hide when you’re dressed as a clown. And those big floppy shoes are hard to run in, too.

Bozo criminal for today comes form the International File in Hepberg, Germany where an unidentified 16 year old bozo threw a big party at his home while his parents were away for the weekend. Taking a look at the mess, knowing his parents would be home in a few hours, and knowing they were going to be really mad, he did what any 16 year old bozo would do. He called the cops and told them that someone had burglarized the house and had made a really big mess. The investigating officers became suspicious when they could find nothing missing. He’s been charged with deceit and wasting police time. He’s also been grounded for the rest of his life.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Martinsburg, West Virginia where bozo Elaine Harrigan held up a bank. She got away but several witnesses gave the cops an accurate description of the getaway car, a late model red Jeep Wrangler. The next day a car matching that description was spotted in our bozo’s front yard with a big "For Sale" sign on it. When an undercover officer sent to investigate asked her why the car was for sale, our bozo told him she just needed to "get rid of it really, really fast." Uniformed officers were called and our bozo quickly confessed.

Bozo criminal for today comes from De Leon Springs, Florida where bozos Antonio Chagra and Andrea Cook were under investigation by the fish and wildlife department for possession of illegal venison, based on a report that they had shot a deer from their car a few hours earlier. Knowing that they had no deer meat, our bozos gave the officers permission to search their freezer. And they were right, there was no venison there. But they must have forgotten about the two huge bags of marijuana that were stashed there. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Airway Heights Corrections Center in the state of Washington. Bozo Wesley Whitaker was about to be released after serving his time for drug possession and bail jumping. Understandably, our bozo was looking forward to a big party once he was on the outside. Unfortunately he couldn’t wait until he was far enough outside to start partying. He was overheard asking his friends on the outside to bring plenty of pot and pills when they arrived to pick him up. Officers were waiting when they arrived. Inside the van, in addition to the drugs, they found a mobile meth lab. Yep, they drove a meth lab to the prison. They won’t be driving it home, however. They’ve joined our bozo in jail.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Matt Allen for sending in today’s report. From Gallatin, Tennessee comes the story of bozo John Carnes who was out for a little drive. And, as bozos like to do, he decided to enjoy a cold beer while driving. That’s a bad idea in itself but it’s what he did with the can when he was finished that really got him into trouble. He tossed the can out the window of his car and it landed with a smack on the windshield of a Tennessee Highway Patrol car which happened to be behind him at the time. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Montana’s Glacier National Park comes the story of an unidentified bozo who’s not necessarily a criminal but he did get into trouble with the law. Our bozo was enjoying all the beauty of the park when he spotted a ground squirrel that seemed to be very friendly. The squirrel came up to him and our bozo took out his car keys and teased the squirrel with them, dangling them in front of his nose. Bad idea. Before our bozo knew what was happening, the squirrel snatched the keys and took them underground, never to be seen again. It was a costly afternoon for our bozo. He had to pay a locksmith to open the car and he was fined by the park ranger for harassing wildlife.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in one of the poorest countries in the Middle East, Yemen, where an unidentified bozo was begging for coins in front of a mosque. He was doing OK, collecting a little money here and there when there came a noise from the bag he had beside him. It was the sound of his cell phone ringing. A beggar with a cell phone. As people began to gather to ask for their money back, our bozo made a quick exit.