Author: dave

Bozo criminal for today comes from Farmington Hills, Michigan where bozo Karen Chester was obviously in need of a makeover. Bozo Karen held up a bank and got away with a substantial amount of cash. So she jumped into a getaway car and fled, right? Wrong. Maybe she just blended in with passersby and vanished? Nope. She walked into a hair salon next door and asked for the works, a hair cut and dye and new nails. Her day of beauty was interrupted when shop employees recognized her and called the cops.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Donald Stephens for sending in today’s report. From Lincoln, Nebraska comes the story of bozo Dustin Raymond who is a junior studying biochemistry at the University of Nebraska. But, you can be well educated and still be a bozo as Dustin proved when he bragged about his success at stealing street signs to the Daily Nebraskan newspaper. He even went so far as to say one of the only ways to get caught is to hang the signs someplace stupid, like in a window. Yeah, or tell the story to the paper and let them take a picture of you with your stolen signs. He’s had another picture taken now. A mugshot. He’s been arrested for theft.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Syracuse, New York where bozo Jeremy Lang had been posing as a police officer for quite some time. He would pull over motorists and lecture themon traffic violations, before sending them on their way. Real officers had heard of him but had never actually caught him in the act until last week. That’s when our bozo pulled over someone that wasn’t too pleased to hear his lecture. When his "collar" started to get a little hot under the collar, our bozo got nervous. And instead of letting him go, he called police headquarters to ask for backup. Real officers arrived and charged our Barney Fife wannabe with impersonating an officer.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Victoria, British Columbia, Canada where bozo Robert Tarver was only trying to help. Police were investigating a series of car break-ins in his apartment complex when our bozo invited the officers into his apartment. He explained that he had an outside video surveillance system that monitored the parking lot and he thought it might contain valuable information. When the officers entered, they were immediately overwhelmed by the smell of marijuana, which our bozo was apparently so used to that he didn’t even notice. The videotape turned out to be useless but the officers returned with a search warrant and busted him for possession of over $100,000 worth of pot, hashish and mushrooms.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Monroe, Ohio where bozo Pamela Ralston was in possession of a stolen check. She used that check to buy groceries at the local supermarket and she might have gotten away with it all except for one thing. She decided to double dip. In addition to using the stolen check to buy groceries, she also used her supermarket discount card to save a few extra bucks. When authorities realized the check was stolen, it was easy to track it back to our bozo using the information she gave when she applied for the discount card. Oops. She’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Dan Barcus for sending in today’s report. From Pasadena, Texas comes the story of bozo Rene Carta who made a number of mistakes last week. First, he took a car for a test drive from a dealership and never returned. Second, he used that car when he held up a bank. And third, he left his drivers license behind at the dealership when he took the car. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Vienna, Austria where an unidentified bozo walked into a bank dressed as a woman, complete with high heels. He flashed a gun and demanded cash. After he got his money he walked gingerly out of the bank, teetering on those high heels. And that’s when he troubles began. A town employee, passing by on a lawn mower, had seen the whole thing and quickly gave chase. And in case you’re wondering, a man in a dress and high heels loses to a guy on a John Deere every time. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Pete Unger for sending in today’s report. From Vernon, British Columbia, Canada comes the story of bozo Charles Hanson who held up a flower shop, getting away with a small amount of cash. Our bozo immediately took the money and went next door to the 7-11 to pick up some much needed supplies (probably a beer). As he was walking out he remembered he had left something important behind in the flower shop so he returned to pick it up. Bad idea. The police were already there investigating. And just what was it that was so important that he had left behind? His gun.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 3311: When planning an escape, it’s usually a good idea to make the big guys go last. From the International File in Buenos Aires, Argentina comes the story of a group of prisoners who where attempting a mass jail break through a 12 inch diameter hole they had punched in the ceiling. Five of them had made it through when bozo Roque Vivas made his attempt. Now, Roque weighs about 225 and that 12 inch diameter hole was way too small for him but he gave it a try anyway. And of course you know what happened. He got stuck. The two dozen other prisoners that were hoping to escape had to put their plans on hold and call for prison guards to help free our bozo.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Beijing, China where an unidentified bozo burglar was rifling through an office on the 22nd floor of a high rise office building when he heard security guards approaching. Thinking quickly, he grabbed a computer cable, tied it around his waist and jumped out the window, hoping to climb down the cable to the 21st story below. Maybe he should have done some measuring before he jumped. The cable was too short to reach the floor below and he couldn’t get a good enough grip on it to climb back up to the 22nd floor. So there he was, stuck, hanging by a computer cable outside the building. For two hours before he was spotted, rescued and arrested.

Bozo criminals for today come from New Castle, Delaware where bozos Jonathan Rodriguez and Joseph Dorsey were going to break into a home. Our bozos stormed up to the front door and bozo Jonathan, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, decided to knock on the front door with the butt of his pistol. The gun went off and shot him in the groin. His bozo partner helped him to the car and drove him to the hospital. The frightened homeowners, who were inside, called the cops and they were waiting at the nearby hospital when our bozos arrived.

We’ve said it time and time again, if you’re going to use a hold up note in your robbery, you need to work on your penmanship, but our bozos never seem to learn. From Mishawaka, Indiana comes the story of a couple of unidentified bozos who walked into a 7-11 and handed the clerk a hold up note. After looking at it for a moment, the clerk told them she couldn’t decipher it and handed it back. One of our bozos took a look at it and said he couldn’t read it either, because of his partner’s bad handwriting. He then started yelling at his buddy and it soon escalated into a full fledged shouting match. They continued arguing as they left the store empty handed.

Bozo criminal for today violated seldom seen Bozo Rule Number 9432: When you’re wanted by the law, it’s a good idea to keep your fingers to yourself. From the International File in Toronto, Canada comes the story of bozo Gene Francis who was driving without a seatbelt. When a passing motorist noticed and motioned to him to buckle up, our bozo was none too pleased and flashed an obscene gesture back at him. Bad idea. Turns out the good samaritan was an off duty police officer. He pulled him over, told him who he was and ran a quick check on our bozo’s license. When he found that his license had been suspended since 1999, he placed him under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania comes the story of bozo Demetrius Morgan who was in jail on murder charges. While he was there he came up with what he thought would be the perfect alibi. He wrote a letter to a friend on the outside and asked him for an alibi on the evening of the murder. His little plan might have worked except that he didn’t have his friend’s correct address and he forgot to put enough postage on the letter. It was returned to the prison where it was read by jail guards. Our bozo has now confessed.

Thanks to several bozo news hawks for alerting us to this one. From the International File in Phnom Penh, Cambodia comes the story of bozo Khim Sakhorn who went to a home in the city to demand money and pills from an amphetamine dealer. Our bozo pulled the pin on a hand grenade and used it to threaten the dealer. Figuring he meant business, the dealer handed over the cash and drugs. Our bozo grabbed them, put the grenade in his pocket and headed back to his motorcycle to make his getaway. He never made it. He forgot to put the pin back into the grenade.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk John Carter for sending in today’s report. From Austin, Minnesota comes the story of a couple of teenage bozos who were trying to call their pot dealer. Somehow, they dialed the wrong number and, boy, was it the wrong number, they got the cell phone of the Mower County sheriff. After one of our bozos asked for a bag of marijuana, the sheriff identified himself. Our bozo simply said, "I’m sorry," and hung up. They must have really needed that pot as a few minutes later they called back and again asked for a bag of pot. This time the sheriff played along and set up a meeting at a nearby convenience store where our bozos were arrested.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk David Alford for sending in today’s report. From Tampa, Florida comes the story of three unidentified bozos who were speeding down the freeway, carrying cocaine, drug paraphernalia and $1000 in cash in their car. Suddenly they came upon what they thought was a toll booth. They slowed down and then decided to speed on through. Bad idea. What they thought was a toll booth was actually the guard house at the entrance of MacDill Air Force Base. They were quickly swarmed by military vehicles and uniformed guards carrying machine guns. They’ve been turned over to Tampa police.

Bozo criminal for today was very full of himself–maybe too full. From Philadelphia, Pennsylvania comes the story of Bozo David Vance who boarded a plane bound for North Carolina. Our bozo plopped down into his seat and immediately began bragging to his seat mate that he was an undercover federal sky marshall and that there was nothing to worry about on the flight. The other passenger was very interested in what our bozo had to say because he was in fact the federal sky marshall on that plane. When the flight landed he identified himself and arrested our bozo.

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks for alerting us to this one. From Decatur, Georgia comes the story of bozo Ben Kaminsky who was in a group of about a dozen inmates who were awaiting their hearing and were taken into an adjoining room to speak with their attorneys. Our bozo asked permission to go to the rest room and that’s when he hatched his plan. He climbed into the crawl space in the ceiling and crept ever so carefully on his way to freedom. He didn’t quite make it, though. The ceiling gave way at the worst possible time, sending him falling into the judge’s chambers, landing right in front of the judge’s desk. He’s back behind bars.

We know being a Bozo Criminal is hard work but this is ridiculous. From Largo, Florida comes the story of bozo Don Walters who walked into a bank, perhaps with the intention of robbing it, we don’t know. What we do know is his plan got a little sidetracked. After entering the bank he walked into the men’s restroom. While inside, he removed his pants, underwear and socks. This rigorous activity obviously tired him out as he then walked through the bank and into a private kitchen area where he proceeded to lie down on a couch and fall sound asleep. When police officers arrived to arrest him, he told them, "This is the bar. Go away!" He’s seeing other bars now. He’s under arrest.