Author: dave

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Lawrence Torres for sending in today’s report. From Kenner, Louisiana comes the story of bozo Barry Jones who walked into a bar and asked the bartender, who he knew, for a cigarette. When the bartender refused to give him one, our bozo left only to come back a minute later and again ask for a smoke. Again the bartender refused and again our bozo left. He returned again five minutes later, wearing the same clothes but with a ski mask pulled down over his face and carrying a gun. This time he told the bartender to empty the cash register. When the bartender said, "You for real, Barry?" he told her to stop calling him by his name and hand over the cash, which she did. He left and she called the cops with his name and address. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Detroit, Michigan where bozo Wilbert Brown had been quite successful in robbing stores in the area. It was on his fourth robbery that things went wrong. He dropped his cell phone while making his getaway from a Payless Shoe store holdup. The police picked it up and were able to find our bozo’s home phone number. The called it and told him they had recovered his lost phone and if he would come down to the police station he could pick it up. Our bozo shaved, put on some dark glasses and a hat and went downtown. He could have saved the trouble of the disguise. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the Internal Affairs Department in the International File in Basel, Switzerland. An unidentified cop stopped off at a restaurant for a quick cup of coffee to warm himself on a cold evening. And, knowing that such breaks were not allowed, our bozo officer simply wrote up a false report claiming that the restaurant owner had called him to investigate a break-in. Unfortunately, he didn’t tell the owner about his little scheme and when other officers following up on the report asked him about it he said the only time he’d seen the officer was when he stopped by for coffee. Busted!! They take this rather seriously in Switzerland. Our bozo cop has been sentenced to 30 days in jail.

On a recent Bozo Report we told you that we thought our bozo for the day had tried every trick in the book. Well, he’s been topped by our bozo for today from Monroe, Washington. Bozo Howard Jackson was working for the Evergreen State Fair when he was spotted on the midway smoking an "unknown narcotic" and was fired immediately. And that’s when he went nuts. He tried to steal some money from another carnival worker, failing at that, he then ran to the women’s restroom where he took off all his clothes. When police officers arrived he fled through a window in one of the stalls, groping fair patrons as he headed toward a chain link fence which he climbed over. He then ran toward the highway where he tried to steal a car from a woman. When that failed he ran across the highway and tried to jump aboard a moving train. One problem, that train was moving at 45 miles per hour. He’s recovering in jail.

If there’s one thing we’ve learned over the years of doing the Bozo Criminal Report, it’s that our bozos just never learn to keep a low profile, as today’s story will point out. From the International File in New Zealand comes the story of bozo Phillip Wain who, judging from his vanity license plate, is a party animal. His plates read, "2Drunk." And of course you know there had to be a New Zealand cop out there who just couldn’t resist and pulled him over. And sure enough, ol’ "2Drunk" was too drunk. He won’t be driving that car anytime soon. His license has been suspended for six months.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bryan, Texas and we’ve gotta give this guy credit, he tried just about every trick in the book. Bozo Leroy Lawson stole a truck and promptly crashed it into a residence. After the crash, our bozo jumped out, removed all his clothes and ran to a nearby house where he stole an electric wheelchair. The cops spotted him a few minutes later, with only a blanket covering himself, tooling down the road in a wheelchair. When the officers approached, he gave them a fake name, which he had trouble spelling, then told them he was mentally ill and began ramming the wheelchair into a porch, almost running over one of the officers in the process. When they tried to remove him from the chair, he pretended to faint and had to be physically carried to the patrol car. He’s in jail.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk W. Andrew Neilson for sending in today’s report. From Salem, Oregon comes the story of perhaps the world’s most inept carjacker. Our bozo, Oswaldo Vasquez, was pedaling around town on a tricycle (!), waving a gun at passing cars, when he smashed head on into a vehicle. He then picked himself up, climbed into the car and demanded that the driver take him to the hospital. Wanting no part of this, the driver got out and called 911. At this point our bozo climbed into the front seat and tried to drive away not noticing that the car’s emergency brake was still set. When he finally got it going, he immediately ran into a sport utility vehicle. The impact caused his gun to go off, hitting him in the foot. Needless to say, he’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Chaplain Dennis Marks for sending in today’s report. From Tampa, Florida comes the story of a couple of women who remembered the best way to calm a savage bozo is to offer him something to eat. Bozo Alfred Swanton broke into the home of two retired ladies, aged 60 and 63, and, pointing a shotgun at them, demanded cash. In their best grandmotherly fashion, the ladies told our bozo to calm down and have something to eat. They offered him a ham sandwich along with a bottle of rum. He accepted. And before long he was passed out at the kitchen table, which is where the cops found him.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Kankakee, Illinois where bozo James Bolden pulled up to the drive thru window at the local bank and dropped an envelope containing his deposit into the pneumatic tube and sent it to the teller. Well, at least he thought he sent his deposit to the teller. You see, he had two envelopes in the car, one with the cash deposit and the other with his stash of rolling papers, a half dozen joints and several ounces of marijuana. Guess which one he sent? Right. The teller called the cops who arrived while our bozo was still waiting for his receipt.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Pretoria, South Africa where an unidentified bozo robbed an office, taking a computer, cell phones and cash and then fleeing in one of the workers’ cars, a new Toyota. Guess our bozo must have been really proud of that car, since the cops spotted him later that day washing and waxing it in full view of any and everyone in his front yard. He’s under arrest.

We’re not sure, but from the sound of this bozo story, it looks like security at Brazilian prisons could be a little tighter. From the International File in Sao Paulo, Brazil comes the story of a prison guard who stopped off at a bar on the way home for a beer. Inside he saw three people he knew…inmates from the prison where he worked. He asked the bartender about them and he told him they were regulars. Our three bozos said they weren’t trying to escape, they just liked to come down to the bar from time to time for a beer. They’ve been moved to a more secure area of the prison.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Helsinki, Finland where three unidentified bozos attempted to hold up a bank. A quick thinking bank manager convinced them to fill out a loan application instead. He gave them a $10 advance and told them to come back later when the paperwork was done. The cops simply went to the address on the loan application and arrested our bozos.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fargo, North Dakota where it must be getting rather boring these days. Bozo Erick Powers decided that it might be fun to walk into the local convenience store with a bandanna over his face. Bad idea. The worried store clerk called 911 and our bozo had a lot of ‘splaining to do. He’s been charged with disorderly conduct.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 3487: If you’re going to use a stolen passport, check the background of the owner of the passport first. Our unidentified bozo bought a stolen passport on the black market in Russia, hoping to use it to flee the country. Things didn’t exactly work out like he had planned. As he tried to cross over into Latvia, border guards surrounded him and took him away, charging him with murder. Yep, the guy on the stolen passport was a wanted murderer. Our bozo finally explained what was going on but was still charged with presenting a false ID to officials.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Miami, Florida where perhaps bozo Daniel Gordon should have gotten himself into a little better shape before embarking on a life of crime. Our bozo successfully held up a bank and then decided to press his luck by walking to another bank nearby and holding it up, also. This bank robbing stuff must be hard work because he had to stop and rest his tired feet only a few yards from the second bank. When the cops found him resting there they asked him why he had held up the banks. And that’s when he gave them our Bozo Excuse of the Month. He told the officers he was ugly and smelled bad and no one would give him a job. Stinky is now resting his feet behind bars.

Bozo criminal for today comes from College Station, Texas, where bozo Natalie Copeland held up the Bank of America. While Natalie was waiting for the teller to get her money, she made the mistake of mentioning to another bank employee that there was a used car dealer in town with a car she had been eyeing for the last couple of months. After she left with her money, the bank employee told the cops what she had said. The police checked and, yep, our bozo had just left the lot with her new car, after coming up with a cash down payment. The cops went to the address on our bozo’s credit application and arrested her.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Russia comes the story of a crook who was on the run and was going to try to sneak across the Ukrainian-Slovak border. Our bozo stole a passport and then had himself made up to look like the person in the picture, right down to having a large pair of artificial ears made. And wouldn’t you know it, just as our bozo was passing through customs, the glue on the fake ears came off, and the ears began to slowly slide down his head. After being arrested, our bozo blamed all his problems on the fact that he had used cheap Russian glue instead of a better Western one. Guess Elmer’s is hard to come by over there.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Ontario, New York where bozo Breanne Price was called for jury duty. As she was passing through security at the courthouse, deputies spotted something suspicious in her bag. Upon further investigation, it was determined that she had brought a baggie of marijuana and a suspicious white powder to court. Well, jury duty does get boring. We have good news and bad news. She’s off jury duty but she now has another date of her own in court.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bonita Springs, Florida where bozo James Casey was upset with his noisy neighbors. So upset, in fact, that he drove himself to the sheriff’s office to report a disturbance. Which would have been fine except that he drove himself to the sheriff’s office in a stolen car. One that he had carjacked a few days earlier and one that the police were looking for. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Waterbury, Connecticut where two unidentified bozos wanted to buy a house. It’s what they wanted to use as a downpayment that got them into trouble. They offered the seller a pound of cocaine, plus $20,000 in cash. The seller called the cops. Our bozos now have a new residence–in jail.