Author: dave

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mireille Longtin for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Adelaide, Australia comes the story of bozo Charles Hardy who called the cops to report thieves breaking into his house to steal his marijuana. Yep, that’s what he told them. Officers arrived to find a pot robbery in progress. Four men were arrested for trying to steal the plants, which were being grown in two rooms of our bozo’s home. Or maybe what used to be his home. He’s taken up residence now in jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the Junior Division. In Salem, New Hampshire, several high school students rigged a computer to print fake report cards to take home to their parents. Guess they must have been pretty proud of themselves, too, as many of them raised failing grades all the way up to A’s. They were tripped up when several proud parents called the principal to ask why their children weren’t on the honor roll.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Binghampton, New York where bozo Joshua Harrington pulled something right out of an old Three Stooges episode. He grabbed a bottle of rum off the shelf of a local liquor store and dashed out the door, running head first into a utility pole. He’s listed in fair condition with a head injury. The owner of the liquor store took pity on him and declined to press charges.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Greg Denman for sending in today’s report. From Lufkin, Texas comes the story of three bozos who stopped at the local Wal Mart and asked if the large Styrofoam display of the Pillsbury Doughboy was for sale. The clerk on duty told them they would have to come back the next morning to ask the store manager. Apparently they just couldn’t wait as a few minutes later they were seen taking the display out a side door to a waiting pickup truck. The story doesn’t end there, however, as a few weeks later police were called to a loud music complaint at an apartment. And there, in the middle of the living room, was the Doughboy. As the officers tried to move him, Poppin’ Fresh’s head fell off. Underneath the head were written the words "Wal Mart" and the signatures of our three bozos. Written next to their names was a description of their job in the heist. One said, "thief", another "driver" and the third "scout." Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lumberton, Texas where bozo Lloyd Collins kept calling the 911 number, insisting that police come over and arrest his fugitive cat. That’s right. His fugitive cat. He told the 911 operator that the cat had numerous outstanding warrants and should be locked up. The dispatcher warned him to stop calling but he persisted and finally deputies were sent to our bozo’s home. When they arrived, he repeated his story that his cat had outstanding warrants and should be arrested, inviting them in to look for the feline. And he said they should also take a look around for roaches since he had a lot of them. Don’t know about the roaches, but the officers did find drug paraphernalia. Our bozo’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Aurora, Illinois comes the story of three bozos who broke into a residence. Something went wrong during their crime and our bozos began firing their weapons. Don’t know what their intended targets were but somehow our bozos all ended up getting shot…in the foot, leg, arm and, uhm, backside. They limped to the home of a nearby friend who called the cops after taking them to the hospital. They’re under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Arsh Dhadwal for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Berlin, Germany comes the story of an unidentified bozo who showed up at the police station asking the cops to check and see if he was on their "wanted" list. While they were taking a look another officer noticed something sticking out of our bozo’s ear. Upon further investigation that something was determined to be a packet of heroin. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Sydney, Australia where bozo Gregory Wall dressed as Santa Claus and held up a bank. His plan went like this: After pulling the stickup he would run to a nearby horse trailer, dump the Santa suit and make his getaway on his bicycle. Fine. Except for one thing. In his haste, he forgot to change pants. And a man in Santa Claus pants riding a bicycle does attract some attention. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil where two bozos tunneled out of jail. That part of their escape was well planned. It was when they found themselves outside that things started to go wrong. Their tunnel emerged just outside the prison gates and our bozos popped out and immediately began trying to hail a cab. As you might imagine, this did attract the attention of several of the prison guards. They’re back inside, hopefully in a cell with a concrete floor.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 1777: Before committing your crime, cover any identifiable features. From Long Beach, Mississippi comes the story of bozo Samuel Morton who was convicted of armed robbery after a witness identified him by a tattoo on his neck. The tattoo was of a gun with the words "not guilty" under it. Maybe he can have the "not" removed.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fitchburg, Massachusetts where bozos Octavio Salas and Jose Carrera had stashed about $100,000 worth of cocaine in their car. And they were in a big hurry to get at it. You see, they’d hidden the dope inside the car’s gas tank and they just didn’t want to take time to drain the tank before going after it with a power saw. Sparks from the saw ignited the gas fumes, burning up the cocaine and scorching our bozos. They’ve recovered and are now in jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania where bozo Mike Malcolm passed a hold up note to a teller at the local bank. She gave him some cash and he made a quick getaway. And he was captured just as quickly. The hold up note was written on the back of one of his personal checks, and on the front, of course, was his complete name, address and phone number. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. What’s that old story about not counting your chickens until they’re hatched? How about this rule for bozos–don’t count your money until you get home? From Lewiston, Maine comes the story of bozos Daniel Shaw and Brian King who held up a convenience store and made a quick getaway. Police were getting ready to go to work on the case when they received word of an accident outside of town. Investigators discovered the getaway car crashed into a tree with our dazed bozos still inside and money scattered everywhere. Police believe they were counting their take while traveling at a high rate of speed when the accident occurred. They were treated for cuts and bruises before being arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Olpe, Germany where an unidentified bozo tried to shoplift 177 packs of cigarettes…by stuffing them down his pants. Hope it was the soft pack and not the box-that could have been painful! He tried to sneak out with the help of three accomplices who formed a protective shield by holding newspapers in front of his bulging trousers. Witnesses said this drew almost as much attention to him as his "funny walk." He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today is from the Domestic Dispute file. From Liberal, Kansas comes the story of bozo Anessa May Harris who admitted to making several bomb threats against a local bank. Her confession came after officers put together that the threats came every time her husband went into the bank to check the balance in her checking account. She had made numerous overdrafts on the account and every time her husband would go down to check it out, she would call in a bomb threat to keep him from finding out. She’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Santa Rosa, California where perhaps bozo Gabriel Ortega was thinking about Christmas when he spotted a cute teddy bear. And the more he thought about it the more he just had to have that bear. And even the seven foot high glass barrier couldn’t keep our bozo away. He scaled it with ease and snatched the $10 bear and stuffed it into his pocket. Now this whole incident would have gone down as a simple shoplifting except for one thing. The bear was one of several that were used as fund raisers for local youth activities. Activities sponsored by the police department. And the display case that he stole the bear from was inside the police station. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Eddie Forgey for sending in today’s report. From the "out of the mouths of babes" file in Orlando Florida comes the story of bozo Navera Norris’s baby who accidentally hit the 911 emergency button on the telephone. The dispatcher who took the call heard only gibberish and baby sounds and immediately called back. That’s when our bozo answered, assuring the operator that everything was fine. Guess she didn’t know it was policy to check out all 911 calls and when a deputy sheriff came calling our bozo immediately opened the door and invited him in. The first thing he noticed once he was inside was a pile of marijuana, several bags of cocaine and mounds of cash on the coffee table. About $70,000 in cash and $20,000 worth of cocaine. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Belo Horizonte, Brazil where three unidentified bozos robbed a house and got away with a stereo, a TV and a couple of mobile phones. When they ran into difficulty selling their stolen merchandise, they did what any bozo would do. They returned to the house, knocked on the door and asked if the owners would be so kind as to give them receipts for the goods they had stolen. Bad idea. They’re under arrest.

Bozo criminals for today come from Greenville, South Carolina where two bozo homeowners got a little too involved in their fall yard cleanup. A police officer was called Sunday morning after one bozo blew his leaves into his neighbor’s lawn. The other bozo retaliated by blowing the leaves back into bozo number one’s yard. They blew the leaves back and forth for a while then started blowing air directly into each other’s face. It escalated from there when bozo number two head butted bozo number one several times. Bozo number one then retreated into his house, only to be challenged by number two to "come out and fight like a man." And that’s just what he did, emerging from his house with a hammer. The cops got things settled down before either bozo did serious bodily harm to the other.

With the holiday season upon us, we realize that it’s important to look your very best, but our bozo for this morning may have taken that a little too far. From Detroit, Michigan comes the story of bozo LaShawn Moore who walked into a nail salon, had her nails done and, after they dried, robbed the owner and three customers at gunpoint. She then rushed out to her car where her two young children waited, unaware of what she had done. Unfortunately someone in the shop recognized her and gave the police her name. She should’ve had enough cash to pay for her own nail job, as police say that before being arrested she’d committed six robberies in a 48 hour period.