Author: dave

There’s really no criminal intent in today’s story but there was simply no way we were going to pass this one up. Our bozo story for today comes from Clovis, New Mexico where a report of a possible weapon at the middle school caused authorities to lock down the school, close nearby streets and place armed officers on the rooftops. It all came about after there was a report of a student entering the school carrying a long object wrapped in foil and covered by a t-shirt. While the police were conducting a search for the "weapon" one of the students came forward. He told the officers that he had been working on a class project where the assignment was to create a commercial for a product. His commercial was for a restaurant that specialized in making extra large burritos. And that’s the "weapon" that caused the lockdown. A thirty inch burrito filled with steak, guacamole, lettuce, salsa and jalapenos. The only thing this was a threat to was your diet!

Bozo criminal for today proves that things may be a lot worse out there than we realized. From Boston, Massachusetts comes the story of bozo Michael Mason who walked into the Nashua Street Jail and told the officers behind the desk that he was a wanted man, that there was an outstanding warrant against him and would they please be so kind as to arrest him. When the officer checked the records, no warrant could immediately be found. Not to be deterred, our bozo simply sat down, lit a cigarette and told the officer he would wait. Before long, the warrant was found and our bozo’s wish was granted. That Boston jailhouse chow must be really tasty.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Latrobe, Pennsylvania where bozo Bradley Haynes just can’t seem to understand that it’s not a good idea to leave your name and phone number at the scene of the crime. Our bozo left that information earlier this month when he applied for a job and took the company’s cash box when he left. The cops confronted our bozo and he returned the money only to head over to the local hospital where he again applied for a job, stealing the wallets of several employees while he was there. The cops called our bozo again and again he returned the money. But this time the police were taking no chances…he’s under arrest for theft.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fresno, California where bozo Charles Hancock staked out a car to rob. Thinking there were valuable items in the trunk, our bozo got it open, crawled inside and checked out the contents. His problems began when he tried to climb out. He reached up, grabbed the trunk lid, and as he went to heave himself out, pulled the lid down and locked himself inside. A security guard called the cops when he heard banging sounds coming from the trunk. After being treated for minor cuts and bruises, our bozo was arrested.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Angela Brown for sending in today’s report. From Richland, Washington comes the story of Julie Alexander who was having a bad hair day. A really bad hair day. So bad that she drove to the salon she had used for years and waited for her stylist to show up. When she arrived, she pulled a gun on her and demanded cash, we assume as a sort of refund for the bad ‘do. After she got her cash, she then fired a couple of rounds into the rear window of her stylist’s car. Police arrested her a few minutes later, at another salon where she was getting a new style. Guess she’ll have to get used to the "jailhouse cut" now.

Another one from the "When you gotta go, you gotta go" file. From Santa Clara, California comes the story of bozo Frank Simmons who had been driving around all afternoon, drinking beer with one of his buddies. And right now they needed to find a restroom, and quick. But on this stretch of highway there were no convenience stores or service stations in sight. Suddenly they spotted a large bus. Thinking it was a Greyhound, our bozos began following it, hoping the driver would lead them to the depot where they could use its facilities. It looked like they were in luck as the bus slowed down and pulled into a large compound with the bozos in hot pursuit. But this place didn’t look much like a bus station. It had a tall fence around it and a security gate in front. Our bozos had followed a department of corrections bus transporting prisoners into the Elmwood Correctional Facility. Our bozo was arrested for DWI.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Manassas, Virginia where bozo Wayne Snider had big plans for holding up an armored car as it made its pickup at a local bowling alley. He went up to the driver, flashed a gun at him and said, "Give it up." The startled driver handed our bozo a large sack and he ran away. He’d only gone a short way before he discovered his terrible mistake. Instead of holding up the armored car he had robbed a laundry truck as it made its pickup at the bowling alley. And that sack contained not cash but a bunch of dirty mop heads.

(Best of Bozo)Bozo criminal for today comes from Hood River, Oregon where bozo Lee Nance was arrested on suspicion of public indecency when the cops found him running around a parking lot in the nude. It was the reason he gave for being naked that won him the Bozo Excuse of the Month award. He told the police he was merely working on his tan because he was on a church softball team and was afraid that if he didn’t have a good base tan he would get sunburned. Sorry, we don’t think they have tanning beds in jail, either.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from Santa Cruz, California where the cops were investigating the robbery of a residence. They suspected a youngster was the culprit since, besides taking money and a watch, a skateboard and some baseball cards were stolen. Their suspicions were confirmed when they discovered a very important piece of evidence our bozo left behind. His homework, complete with his name at the top.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Dallas, Texas where bozo Vashon Rhymes stole an inner city passenger bus from the Greyhound terminal downtown. It seems our bozo knew how to drive the bus but unfortunately he didn’t know how to release the parking brake and the back of the bus caught fire not too far down the road. Police arrested our bozo when he left his smoldering bus to go into a nearby Waffle House to call for help.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the Intergalactic File. From Toronto, Canada comes the story of bozo Rene Joly, who brought a lawsuit against the Canadian Minister of Defense, Citibank, and several doctors, dentists, hospitals and drug store chains, claiming they are all part of a plot by the United States Government to murder him. Because he’s from Mars. He says he was cloned from Martian genetic material recovered by NASA in the ’60’s. He can’t prove it, though, because records of DNA tests performed on him have been falsified, or so he claims. The judge dismissed his case by saying that since our bozo was not human, he had no status before the court, which is exclusively for earthlings.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from Seymour, Indiana where bozo Casey Carpenter stopped into the local florist, placed an order for his girlfriend, filled out a card and gave the clerk his girlfriend’s address. As the clerk went to the register, our bozo told her, "While you’re at it, give me the rest of your money." He got about $150 and fled. Investigating officers went to the girlfriend’s house, and while questioning her, who should show up but our bozo. He quickly confessed and was arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Pawtucket, Rhode Island where bozo Kenneth Barnhart planned on robbing an apartment. Needing a lookout to stand guard he took his brother along and positioned him outside the apartment. A neighbor noticed the suspicious activity, called the cops and then went outside to wait for the police to arrive. When they got there, our bozo lookout was standing next to the neighbor, mistaking him for his brother who was still ransacking the apartment. One thing we forgot to point out, the man our bozo crook had used to be his lookout, his brother, is legally blind. They’re both under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Spearfish, South Dakota where 17 year old bozo Randy Hill stole a car. A while later our bozo stopped off at a restaurant in his stolen vehicle to get something to eat. While inside, he noticed a couple of police officers walking in. Thinking the jig was up, our bozo threw himself spread eagled on the floor in front of the cops and said, "Please don’t shoot me. The car is in the parking lot." The officers, who had simply stopped in for a cup of coffee were more than happy to arrest him.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from Big Spring, Texas where bozo Kirk Moore reported his car stolen to the police. A short time later the police spotted the vehicle in question and pulled the driver over. As fate would have it, our bozo, the one who reported the car stolen, was in the area and pulled up to claim the car as his. The officer on the scene ran a check on the vehicle’s license plates and, guess what, it turns out the car was stolen by our bozo before it was stolen from him. That’s right, he reported a stolen car as stolen. And to add to his problems, he was wanted on a parole violation. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Bristol, England where bozo Nigel Firth had a hankering for a lobster dinner. And since he didn’t have the cash for the expensive crustaceans, he simply shoplifted a couple of them. By stuffing them down his pants and sprinting for the exit. Not a good idea. The lobsters were none too happy with their situation, so they did what lobsters do to defend themselves. They used their powerful claws to clamp down on whatever was available. Emergency medical technicians had to be called to pry the lobsters loose. Doctors say our bozo will recover but can give up hopes of ever becoming a papa. Thinking he had gone through enough pain, the supermarket manager declined to prosecute.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Rivoli, Italy where bozo Eduard Lacque jumped into a car and forced the driver to hand over his cash. He then ordered the victim at gunpoint to drive him to his hometown. And since it was going to be a rather long trip, our bozo settled back into his seat, made himself comfortable and was soon sound asleep. Taking note of the situation, the victim instead drove to the nearest police station, where the cops woke up and arrested our bozo.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today provides us with our Bozo Excuse of the Month. From Wellington, New Zealand comes the story of bozo Peter Sanders who was arrested for dangerous driving after he switched his headlights off and swerved to the wrong side of the road. When a police officer asked him why he did that, he replied that he was an amateur astronomer, searching the sky for a black hole, and he could see better with his headlights off. His attorney said he hadn’t been taking his medication.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminals for today come from Huntsville, Texas where three very bored bozos noticed a large smoothing machine had been left in the apartment parking lot overnight by the crew that was resurfacing the lot. Thinking it might be fun to take it for a drive, our bozos fired it up at 1:45 in the morning at took it for a little spin. And to record the event for posterity, one bozo videotaped the whole thing. Of course this caused quit a bit of racket and the neighbors called the cops, but by the time the officers arrived the machine had been parked and our bozos had returned safely to their apartment. They might have gotten away with it except that they left their apartment door open and were watching the videotape and laughing and whooping it up as the officers happened to pass by.

(Best of Bozo)Bozo criminal for today comes from Newburgh, New York where bozo Wayne Hamilton fled from the cops during a drug raid. He was rather fleet of foot and was putting some distance between himself and the police when he decided the best thing for him to do would be to find a safe place to hide. So he ducked into the foyer of a large building. The place he found was safe, all right, but not the best place to hide. He had stumbled into the foyer of the city’s northeast community police station. He’s been arrested.