Thanks to Bozo News Hawk David Alford for sending in today’s report. From Colorado Springs, Colorado comes the story of bozo Ashanti Barker who shoplifted a flat screen TV from an electronics store. Realizing that the security guard had spotted him, our bozo asked for a ten second head start before he called the police. Maybe he should have asked for a ten minute head start instead. He only made it to the McDonald’s a block away before the cops caught up with him.
Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who spotted this one. From Hilltown, Pennsylvania comes the story of bozo Ronald Powell who was having a bad evening. First, he was arrested on drunken driving charges. Then, he was released to a friend who was supposed to drive him home. On the way, he got into an argument with his friend who then put him out of the car. Our bozo walked to a nearby house, knocked on the door, awakened the residents and asked them if they needed any work done on their driveway. When they declined his offer, he then broke into their camper, where he spent the night. The next morning he awoke a little confused. Not knowing exactly where he was, he called the police for assistance. When they arrived and discovered what was going on, he was charged with criminal trespass, public drunkenness and criminal mischief.
Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks for bringing this one to our attention. From Baltimore, Maryland comes the story of bozo Gregory Adams who obviously believes possession is nine tenths of the law. Our bozo stole a car at gunpoint and drove it around town for two weeks before the owner of the car spotted it and called the police. Officers found the car parked on the street and had it towed to the district station. And what did our bozo do when he discovered the car was missing? He called the cops to report "his" car had been stolen. He’s under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Phoenix, Arizona where bozo Reggie Talbot and two of his bozo friends walked into a convenience store and grabbed about $700 worth of cigarettes and a couple of cell phones before beating a hasty retreat. So far, so good, except for the fact that they made no attempt to cover their faces, so the clerk had no trouble identifying them. This was after they gave their real name and address when they tried to get the stolen cell phone activated. Busted!
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from South Portland, Maine. Bozo Chamrone Curtis decided to hold up a branch of the Norway Savings Bank. He carefully wrote out his holdup note and inserted it into the pneumatic tube system in the drive thru. Not the best way to pull off a hold up. When the teller sent back an empty tube, our bozo simply pulled away. But not before the bank employees got a description of his vehicle and the license plate number. He’s under arrest.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Joey Schwartzman for sending in today’s report from Fargo, North Dakota, where our bozo apparently got some green leaf confused with the ol’ long green. Bozo Tony Small called the local pizza shop and ordered up a large pie. When the driver arrived, our bozo told him he had no cash, but could offer up some marijuana as payment. When the driver told him it was cash only, our bozo punched him in the face and took the pie. Guess he didn’t think about the driver having a cell phone in the car. Since our bozo had already eaten the pizza when the cops arrived, he’s been charged with theft as well as assault.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in St. Catharines, Ontario, Canada where bozo Paul Cartwright was looking to upgrade his mode of transportation. When he spotted a nice looking vehicle, he pulled into the parking lot and parked nearby. He then crept out of his vehicle and very cautiously approached the car he wanted. Kneeling down by the driver’s side door, he tried to gain entry into the vehicle. Bad choice of cars. The car he had targeted to steal was an unmarked police vehicle, with two officers inside. He’s under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Greenwood, Indiana where William Porter thought he was on to something. He stole an ATM card and walked up to a teller machine wearing his motorcycle helmet to keep from being seen by security cameras. When it worked the first day, he tried it again on the next day and the day after that. What he didn’t realize was a guy wearing a motorcycle helmet and using the same ATM three days in a row would attract attention. Bank employees called the cops who staked out the ATM and arrested our bozo when he tried again on the fourth day in a row.
Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Louis, Missouri where bozo Walter McKenzie was at the county courthouse, being arraigned on a misdemeanor charge. When he left his arraignment the bozo urge struck him, and it was just too strong to resist. Instead of leaving the courthouse and heading home, he instead went up six floors to the courthouse cafe and grabbed $260 from the cash register. The cafe owner gave chase down three hallways and back through the cafe to an elevator. At this point the cafe owner told our bozo, "I’m too fat to do this again, and so are you. Go sit down." It sounded like sage advice to our bozo. He was quickly arrested.
There’s really no criminal intent in today’s story but there was simply no way we were going to pass this one up. Our bozo story for today comes from Clovis, New Mexico where a report of a possible weapon at the middle school caused authorities to lock down the school, close nearby streets and place armed officers on the rooftops. It all came about after there was a report of a student entering the school carrying a long object wrapped in foil and covered by a t-shirt. While the police were conducting a search for the "weapon" one of the students came forward. He told the officers that he had been working on a class project where the assignment was to create a commercial for a product. His commercial was for a restaurant that specialized in making extra large burritos. And that’s the "weapon" that caused the lockdown. A thirty inch burrito filled with steak, guacamole, lettuce, salsa and jalapenos. The only thing this was a threat to was your diet!
Bozo criminal for today proves that things may be a lot worse out there than we realized. From Boston, Massachusetts comes the story of bozo Michael Mason who walked into the Nashua Street Jail and told the officers behind the desk that he was a wanted man, that there was an outstanding warrant against him and would they please be so kind as to arrest him. When the officer checked the records, no warrant could immediately be found. Not to be deterred, our bozo simply sat down, lit a cigarette and told the officer he would wait. Before long, the warrant was found and our bozo’s wish was granted. That Boston jailhouse chow must be really tasty.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Latrobe, Pennsylvania where bozo Bradley Haynes just can’t seem to understand that it’s not a good idea to leave your name and phone number at the scene of the crime. Our bozo left that information earlier this month when he applied for a job and took the company’s cash box when he left. The cops confronted our bozo and he returned the money only to head over to the local hospital where he again applied for a job, stealing the wallets of several employees while he was there. The cops called our bozo again and again he returned the money. But this time the police were taking no chances…he’s under arrest for theft.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Fresno, California where bozo Charles Hancock staked out a car to rob. Thinking there were valuable items in the trunk, our bozo got it open, crawled inside and checked out the contents. His problems began when he tried to climb out. He reached up, grabbed the trunk lid, and as he went to heave himself out, pulled the lid down and locked himself inside. A security guard called the cops when he heard banging sounds coming from the trunk. After being treated for minor cuts and bruises, our bozo was arrested.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Angela Brown for sending in today’s report. From Richland, Washington comes the story of Julie Alexander who was having a bad hair day. A really bad hair day. So bad that she drove to the salon she had used for years and waited for her stylist to show up. When she arrived, she pulled a gun on her and demanded cash, we assume as a sort of refund for the bad ‘do. After she got her cash, she then fired a couple of rounds into the rear window of her stylist’s car. Police arrested her a few minutes later, at another salon where she was getting a new style. Guess she’ll have to get used to the "jailhouse cut" now.
Another one from the "When you gotta go, you gotta go" file. From Santa Clara, California comes the story of bozo Frank Simmons who had been driving around all afternoon, drinking beer with one of his buddies. And right now they needed to find a restroom, and quick. But on this stretch of highway there were no convenience stores or service stations in sight. Suddenly they spotted a large bus. Thinking it was a Greyhound, our bozos began following it, hoping the driver would lead them to the depot where they could use its facilities. It looked like they were in luck as the bus slowed down and pulled into a large compound with the bozos in hot pursuit. But this place didn’t look much like a bus station. It had a tall fence around it and a security gate in front. Our bozos had followed a department of corrections bus transporting prisoners into the Elmwood Correctional Facility. Our bozo was arrested for DWI.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Manassas, Virginia where bozo Wayne Snider had big plans for holding up an armored car as it made its pickup at a local bowling alley. He went up to the driver, flashed a gun at him and said, "Give it up." The startled driver handed our bozo a large sack and he ran away. He’d only gone a short way before he discovered his terrible mistake. Instead of holding up the armored car he had robbed a laundry truck as it made its pickup at the bowling alley. And that sack contained not cash but a bunch of dirty mop heads.
(Best of Bozo)Bozo criminal for today comes from Hood River, Oregon where bozo Lee Nance was arrested on suspicion of public indecency when the cops found him running around a parking lot in the nude. It was the reason he gave for being naked that won him the Bozo Excuse of the Month award. He told the police he was merely working on his tan because he was on a church softball team and was afraid that if he didn’t have a good base tan he would get sunburned. Sorry, we don’t think they have tanning beds in jail, either.
(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from Santa Cruz, California where the cops were investigating the robbery of a residence. They suspected a youngster was the culprit since, besides taking money and a watch, a skateboard and some baseball cards were stolen. Their suspicions were confirmed when they discovered a very important piece of evidence our bozo left behind. His homework, complete with his name at the top.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Dallas, Texas where bozo Vashon Rhymes stole an inner city passenger bus from the Greyhound terminal downtown. It seems our bozo knew how to drive the bus but unfortunately he didn’t know how to release the parking brake and the back of the bus caught fire not too far down the road. Police arrested our bozo when he left his smoldering bus to go into a nearby Waffle House to call for help.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the Intergalactic File. From Toronto, Canada comes the story of bozo Rene Joly, who brought a lawsuit against the Canadian Minister of Defense, Citibank, and several doctors, dentists, hospitals and drug store chains, claiming they are all part of a plot by the United States Government to murder him. Because he’s from Mars. He says he was cloned from Martian genetic material recovered by NASA in the ’60’s. He can’t prove it, though, because records of DNA tests performed on him have been falsified, or so he claims. The judge dismissed his case by saying that since our bozo was not human, he had no status before the court, which is exclusively for earthlings.