Author: dave

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in El Salvador where a couple of bozos broke into a home and stole several items including the owner’s prized parrot. Our bozos hadn’t gotten very far before they were pulled over by the police for a routine check. As the cops were checking the car out, the excited bird in the back seat began saying something it had heard a few minutes before, "Robbery! Robbery!" This aroused the suspicions of the officers who checked the car and found other stolen items. Busted by a bird!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Columbia, South Carolina where bozo Booker Brown pulled off a successful bank robbery despite the fact that he was wearing a little black dress with red flowers, a red straw hat and a black mustache as his disguise. He must have liked the look, because he didn’t bother to remove either the hat or the dress after he made his getaway. An officer spotted a funny looking guy in a red hat with a dress and mustache and decided to do a quick license plate check. Yep, the car was stolen. Hope he changed outfits before going to jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Jacksonville, Florida where bozo Delshawn Porter had enjoyed a nice coffee at Starbucks. As he strolled out, he told the waitress, "I left your tip on the counter." When the waitress went by to pick it up, she was surprised to notice that the "tip" was a small amount of unwrapped marijuana. His mistake was returning the very next day for another latte. This time a security guard recognized him and called the cops. Our bozo was less than thrilled with the situation and in the ensuing scuffle, his pack of rolling papers and 17 grams of marijuana fell out of his pocket. He’ll have to enjoy jailhouse java for a while.

Bozo criminals for today come from Kingdom City, Missouri where drug dealing bozos Michael Sutter and Joseph South were carrying almost $150,000 worth of methamphetamine in their car. They weren’t worried about the cops finding it as they had developed the perfect bozo plan for getting rid of their drug stash. The meth was attached to a hobby style rocket in the trunk of the car. An elaborate web of ropes and pulleys was to lift the rocket into launch position when the trunk was opened. The rocket could then be ignited from inside the car using the dashboard cigarette lighter, sending the meth far away from the prying eyes of the cops. Perhaps their plan needed a little work. The meth and the rocket remained in the trunk. Our bozos remain in jail.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Brenda Helgerson for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Berlin, Germany comes the story of an unidentified bozo who broke into a residence and stole several items, including a digital camera. Apparently proud of himself, our bozo took several photos of himself at the crime scene before becoming frustrated with the new technology and leaving it behind. Investigating officers found the camera and recognized our bozo from several prior offenses. He’s now posing for his mug shot.

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Oslo, Norway where our bozos believed they had come up with the perfect crime. They would break into an ambulance boat, which they knew contained a large amount of drugs and also some cash. They would then escape in a rowboat, leaving no trail for the cops to follow. Things went awry from the get-go. First, they tripped the ambulance’s burglar alarm, which alerted the ambulance crew members who arrived just in time to see our bozos trying to make their getaway in their rowboat. We say "trying" because it apparently never occurred to them that to use the boat as a getaway vehicle, at least one of them would need to be experienced at rowing a boat. Not having a clue as to what to do, our bozos actually ended up rowing in opposite directions. They were quickly apprehended.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Long Island, New York comes the story of a group of bozos who organized a scavenger hunt. Items on the list included lawn ornaments, golf course flags, birdbaths, playground swings and finally, a police car license plate. Of course, that’s the one that got two of bozos in trouble when they were spotted lurking near the Suffolk County Police Garage. After this bozo pair was arrested, they squealed on their other eight friends who were also playing the game. The grand prize for our players…a trip to jail!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report, our first ever incident of drunk driving inside a grocery store. Police were called to a supermarket in Devils Lake, North Dakota after receiving reports of a reckless driver. When they arrived, they found our bozo Clifford Martin aboard a motorized shopping cart inside the store. He reportedly had been terrorizing shoppers by driving the cart extremely fast and attempting to run down customers. He was arrested and, we assume, his shopping cart license was revoked.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Romania where an unidentified bozo went bananas after the police were called when he refused to leave a bar at closing time. He finally agreed to go home, swearing and threatening the policemen as he left. After briefly chasing the patrol car, he turned up a short time later at the police station, armed with…a bunch of bananas. He was arrested after he pelted the windows and doors of the station house with the fruit. Guess it’s a good thing he didn’t use coconuts.

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who sent in this one from Smyrna, Georgia, where a couple of bozos broke into a sporting goods store and stole several guns, including an AR-15 rifle and a shotgun. Unfortunately for our bozos, the break-in was captured by store security cameras. And even more unfortunately, our bozos returned to the scene of the crime the next day to try to buy some accessories for the stolen guns, including an ammunition clip for the AR-15. And still more unfortunately, they were even wearing the same clothes they had worn during the break-in the night before. The manager recognized them from the surveillance tape and called the cops.

Bozo criminals for today come from Fremont, California where Timothy Watson and Andrew Gomez applied for a job. While in the office for the interview, one of our bozos snatched another office worker’s credit card. They then proceeded to go on a little shopping spree, using the card to charge boxer shorts and gift cards at Target and frappuccinos at Starbucks. Investigating officers came up with a plan…call our bozos and tell them they were needed back in the office for a follow-up interview. They were arrested when they arrived.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Serbia where one part of the traditional Serbian wedding calls for the groom to shoot an apple, supposedly to bring good luck to the happy couple. The weapon of choice is usually a pistol or rifle. Since neither was available, our bozo chose a shotgun. Bad idea. Fifteen wedding guests were hurt by ricocheting pellets. Even though none of the guests was seriously injured, police were called and our bozo groom spent the first night of his honeymoon in jail.

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks for sending in today’s report. From Las Vegas, Nevada comes the story of bozo Alejandro Gomez who walked into a pizza parlor, ordered a pizza and asked for a job application. He started filling it out and when he felt the moment was right, he lifted his shirt to show a gun and told the cashier to hand over the cash. The clerk gave our bozo about $200 but before he could even put it into a slot machine, he was under arrest. Two big problems…First, a witness got the make and license plate number of his getaway vehicle. And second, remember that job application he filled out? Yep, he put his real name, address and phone number on it.

Thanks to Cynthia Kindler-Thomas for sending in today’s report. From Suffolk, Virginia comes the story of three bozos who would be free men today if only their mothers had taught them to clean their plates. Our bozo gang walked into a local McDonald’s with the intention of robbing it. Since the place was rather busy, they ordered themselves several burgers and enjoyed their meal while waiting for the crowd to thin out. They then robbed the place and made their getaway. Unfortunately, they left behind an important piece of evidence. Their DNA on the leftover portions of the burgers. They’ve been arrested.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Rob Holahan for sending in today’s report. From Winona, Minnesota comes the story of bozo Thomas Mays whose bank robbery skills need a little work. Our bozo walked up to the teller at the local bank and handed her a hold-up note. Well, it wasn’t exactly a hold-up note, it was more like a hold-up threat. The note told the teller to give him $1000 or he would return to the bank with a weapon. And then he signed his real name at the bottom of the note. When the teller refused, bank employees watched him walk across the street to a convenience store. And that’s where the cops found him, drinking beer and scratching lottery tickets.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Renata Hawks for sending in today’s report. From Fayetteville, North Carolina comes the story of bozo Cornelius Scott who was spending a lot of time tending his grandmother’s garden. He told Granny he was growing tomatoes but actually he was cultivating a marijuana crop, about 25 large plants right there in the back yard. Things were going well until the neighbors next door decided to hold a yard sale. An off duty sheriff’s deputy was checking out the sale when he noticed the big pot plants next door. When he informed Granny that those weren’t tomatoes, she let him in to investigate and our bozo was busted.

Bozo criminal for today may give the producers of the movie "Beauty Shop" an idea for a sequel. From Shreveport, Louisiana comes the story of bozo Jared Green who walked into Blalock’s Beauty College brandishing a weapon and demanding money. As he made his way through the salon, Diane Mitchell and her students sprang into action. Diane stuck her leg out and tripped our bozo. Someone then yelled "Get that sucker," and before you knew it 20 students, nearly all women, swarmed all over him. He was battered with curling irons, chairs, a wooden table leg and well manicured fists. He’ll be booked into City Jail once he is released from the hospital. The owner of Blalock’s Beauty College summed it up when she said, "They just whooped the hell out of him."

Bozo criminal for today comes from Glens Falls, New York where bozo Jason McGuffey was convicted on a breaking and entering charge. Part of his sentence required him to wear an electronic tracking bracelet on his ankle. Don’t know if it clashed with his wardrobe or what but our bozo decided he would remove it. By burning it off with lighter fluid. Bad idea. Witnesses spotted our bozo engulfed in flames on his front porch. When the cops arrived they found smoldering clothes in the yard and our bozo inside in extreme pain. When he gets out of the hospital, he’ll be fitted with another bracelet, hopefully a fireproof one.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Kansas City, Missouri where bozo Darryl Hopson got into an altercation with a couple of women at a store. As the discussion got more and more heated, our bozo reached into his back pocket to retrieve his gun. He never quite got it out, however, as it went off just as he grabbed for it, in the process shooting him in the rear end. Police are investigating while our sore bozo recuperates.

The Force was definitely not with our bozos for today from Liberty, Indiana. When someone called the cops to report a UFO spotted over Highway 27, the police arrived and found no little green men, just a car full of bozos who were behaving strangely. A quick check of the license plates showed them to be stolen. Inside the car was found cocaine, marijuana and other drug paraphernalia. Unless their cell has a window, they won’t be seeing any UFO’s for a while.