Author: dave

Bozo criminal for today comes from New York City where bozo Daniel Carnes filed a police brutality charge against the New York cops, claiming they roughed him up and smashed his head against a wall. His case made it all the way to trial before the police played their ace card. Everything in the station house is videotaped, including this alleged assault. The tape showed him banging his own head against the wall, even while officers tried to stop him. And the tape also caught him saying, "I want to knock myself out and blame it on you guys!" Case closed.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Joey Schwartzman for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Berlin, Germany comes the story of an unidentified bozo who stole the in-car navigation system from an auto. Now, the big question…what to do with it? Our bozo decided to post it for sale on an internet auction site. Probably not the best idea. The owner spotted it up for sale and called the cops, who went to our bozo’s house posing as potential buyers before arresting him.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Christchurch, New Zealand, where an unidentified bozo signed up as a new recruit at the Royal Police Academy, hoping for a career in law enforcement. Unfortunately for him, a standard fingerprinting exercise is part of the training procedure. And, when our bozo’s fingerprints were run, what should show up but…the fact that he was wanted on an outstanding assault warrant. He won’t get to finish his training as he’s now in lock-up.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen snow for sending in today’s report from the International File in Pieterburen, The Netherlands. A man returned from work to find a strange car, with two children inside, parked outside his house. When the man asked the kids where their father was, one of them replied, "He’s robbing the house." The man rushed inside to find Dad and a woman rummaging through his things. They quickly ran out and drove off with the kids. Police have a good description and the license plate number and expect to make an arrest shortly.

(Best of Bozo) Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Jim Dickson of Tyler, Texas who passed along today’s report. From Myrtle Beach, South Carolina comes the story of Bozo Howard Davis who wanted to open up a little restaurant of his own. Unfortunately he didn’t have enough cash to buy the equipment to furnish his place. So he did what any bozo would do– he stole the stuff he needed from a restaurant down the street. And how was he caught? One of the items he stole was a refrigerator, which had pictures of the owner’s grandkids stuck to the door. He made it easy for the police to identify when he didn’t bother to remove the pictures.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Devon, England where bozo Jethro Smalley broke into a farmhouse and gathered up several items. It was his choice of getaway vehicle that landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame. He loaded his booty into a wheelbarrow and, in a driving rainstorm, began pushing it down the road. The farmer, returning home, saw him and, after seeing his home had been broken into, turned around to go talk to him. But before he could even confront him, our bozo asked him for a ride to the nearest town. Having seen and heard enough, the farmer called the cops, who told him they were busy with another case and would get to him when they had time. It took them two hours to arrive, during which time our bozo had managed to push the wheelbarrow five miles, with the farmer slowly following behind in his car. He and his wheelbarrow have been taken into custody.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Geneva, Switzerland, where an unidentified bozo broke into a shopping center after hours and grabbed several bags full of DVDs, watches and food. He then tried to make his getaway by forcing his way through the center’s automatic sliding doors. Didn’t work. He got his head and one foot through before the doors slammed shut, leaving him hopelessly trapped. Passers by heard his calls and saw a bozo with his head and one foot sticking out of a sliding door and quickly figured out what was going on. They managed to pry the doors open just enough to force him back inside, where he had to wait until the police arrived.

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Ormskirk, England where a couple of bozos stole a washing machine from outside an appliance shop. Their first problem arose when the deed was captured on security cameras. The second problem…how to get this thing home. And perhaps they didn’t come up with the best solution. They wheeled the washing machine through town, in broad daylight, down to the local train station. They were arrested as they tried to get it loaded onto the train to Liverpool.

Once again we find that having a sense of humor is great, but it can be dangerous to your freedom if you’re a bozo. From Conway, New Hampshire, comes the story of bozo John Tucker who walked into the local Wal-Mart wearing an orange prison jumpsuit and handcuffs. He asked an employee in the hardware department where he could find a hacksaw. The frightened employee stalled him while another employee called the cops. Our bozo explained to the officer that he hadn’t escaped from anywhere and the whole thing was a prank. The officer failed to find the humor in the situation. Our bozo was charged with disorderly conduct.

Bozo criminal for today gets our first annual Homer Simpson Award for Bozo Dad of the Year. From Savannah, Georgia comes the story of bozo Michael Lynch who was celebrating his daughter’s 13th birthday when he thought it would be really funny to write out a hold-up note and then have his daughter give it to a bank teller. For some reason the teller didn’t see the humor in the note. She set off an alarm and very quickly dad and the girls were surrounded by police and FBI. Dad’s been charged with attempted robbery.

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Timoteo, Brazil where a gang of bozo prisoners pulled a stunt right out of a Three Stooges movie. Our bozos had a master plan for tunneling out of jail but must have forgotten to convert their measurements from the metric system to feet and inches. When they emerged from the tunnel, they found they were 11 inches short of the prison wall. Oops. They also found guards waiting to escort them back to their cells.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Alice Springs, Austria where police were summoned to the report of a break-in at a local furniture store. Investigating officers found the glass front door smashed but once inside couldn’t find anyone. They were getting ready to leave when an officer heard a sound…a sound of someone snoring coming from the carpet racks. And that’s where they found our bozo, obviously tired out from the hard work of breaking in. He’s sleeping it off in jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Gray, Maine, where bozo Michael Green returned home to find his house had been broken into. Thinking the burglar might still be inside, our bozo immediately called the cops. Investigating officers were unable to find the burglar, but they did find a large indoor marijuana growing operation, with about 125 high quality plants. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Jane McCormick for sending in today’s report. Our bozos for today, from Pownal, Maine, prove once again the importance of a proper getaway vehicle. Police officers were called at 4 AM to a report of a burglary at a local grocery. When the officers arrived they noticed a slow moving vehicle in the distance. Upon further inspection, it was found to be a golf cart, loaded down with beer, cigarettes and two bozos. They’re under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today proves once again what we’ve said many times…bozos and technology just don’t mix. Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in this one from the International File in Rosario, Argentina. Three bozos stole some fertilizer from Petrobras Energy. While they were there one of them spotted a cell phone, one with a built in camera. And, as you know, it’s a genetic thing; bozos just can’t resist taking pictures of themselves in action. Only one problem, this phone had been set up so that any pictures taken were automatically posted on a personal webpage. The cops were able to identify and track down our bozos simply by visiting the website.

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks for sending in today’s report, which is similar to one we had last week, but takes it to another level. From the International File in Wellington, New Zealand comes the story of a group of bozos who were frustrated by the high price of gasoline. Not wanting to fork over the money for a tank of gas, our bozos simply siphoned some from another vehicle into the tank of their car. Of course, siphoning directly into your tank makes it hard to tell exactly how much you have. And when their car wouldn’t start, they did what any bozo would do. They checked the level in the fuel pipe by using their cigarette lighter. Our bozos escaped injury but didn’t escape being arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Alameda, California where bozo Jason Caldwell was being chased by the cops after they spotted him driving erratically. Knowing that he needed to get rid of some evidence before the cops pulled him over, our bozo rolled down the window and tossed out a paper bag. When the police checked the bag, they discovered it contained only fast food trash. When one of the officers noticed a similar bag inside the vehicle, he checked it and found it contained three ounces of methamphetamine. Yep, he had thrown out the wrong bag. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Fort Smith, Arkansas comes the story of clumsy bozo Joseph McGinnis who cut his arm while trying to break into a car. Apparently he couldn’t stand the sight of his own blood because instead of fleeing he ran to the nearest house to ask for help. Inside was the owner of the car he had just attempted to break into. Instead of calling an ambulance he called the cops.

The ever climbing price of gasoline led to the downfall of today’s bozos from Nappanee, Indiana. Our bozos were running low on fuel and, not wanting to pay the high price, decided to siphon some out a construction company fuel storage tank. They got what they thought was gas and sped away. But they didn’t get very far before their car started sputtering and finally ground to a halt. They hadn’t noticed that was diesel in that tank, not regular gasoline. They’ve been charged with theft.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report. Our bozo violated Bozo Rule Number 13,445: If you don’t have a getaway vehicle lined up for your heist, don’t call your mommy. From Villa Rica, Georgia comes the story of bozo Kevin Tull who broke into a residence and stole some credit cards, a checkbook and some jewelry. Then, when it came time to make his getaway, he used the victim’s phone to call his mother to come pick him up. The cops were able to use the redial button on the phone to track down mom and arrest our bozo.