Author: dave

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk "Kevin in Knoxville" who sent in today’s report. From Muncie, Indiana comes the story of bozo James Alexander who decided to hold up a restaurant. Unfortunately, he speaks only English and the folks at the Mexican restaurant he tried to rob spoke only Spanish. Or at least that’s what they pretended. While one worker kept saying "No comprende", another sneaked into the back and called the cops. They were still having a "failure to communicate" when the cops arrived.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Eric Tuggle for sending in today’s report from Louisville, Kentucky. It seems bozo Derrick Walker was on the run from the cops and was wanted on a manslaughter charge. The police were on his trail and visited a house where they thought he might be hiding. Our bozo wasn’t there, but he had left behind a list he had been keeping. On the list were two columns; on the left side were the addresses where he had been hiding. On the other side he had written: "The stop I got left…41 Riverpark." Yep, that’s where he was found, hiding under the staircase of his father’s girlfriend’s house. He can add another address to that list. And it’ll be the last one he’ll be needing for a while.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Minden, Nevada where bozo Steven Simpson was on the run from the cops after holding up a bank. Knowing they were tracking him with a K-9 unit, our bozo picked perhaps the worst possible hiding place. He took refuge in the dog house in his back yard. Of course the dogs found him and the cops arrested him.

We want to say hi today to all the loyal Bozo News Hawks of the AOL Confidential Chat Group who check out our stories every day! Hope they enjoy this one from the International File in Canberra, Australia, where bozo Anthony Douglas was fed up with a helicopter that he believed was hovering over his home. He was so fed up that he called the cops and told them if it didn’t leave, he would shoot it down with a home-made bazooka loaded with tomatoes. The police arrived to investigate and found no bazooka and no tomatoes but arrested our bozo anyway for making terroristic threats.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Marion, Indiana where bozo Johnny McIntyre stole 19 packages of meat from a local market. When an officer tried to stop our bozo as he fled in his car, he sped away, tossing out steaks and roasts as he went. Police simply followed the meat trail to a nearby apartment where he was quickly captured.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the Roane County Jail in Tennessee where bozo Thomas Martin broke out. He had only been out for a short time when he was captured trying to break back in, with all the goodies he had acquired while outside: clothes, liquor, prescription pills, crack cocaine…and four McDonald’s hamburgers. We’re not sure whether he had a Big Mac Attack himself or he had picked up the stuff to try to sell to the other inmates. He’s been moved to a more secure cell.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Joey Schwartzman for sending in today’s story. From Memphis, Tennessee comes the story of bozo Jessica Brandt who made several mistakes. Number one, she mistook a large block of cheese that she saw inside a home as a block of cocaine. Number two, in an effort to acquire the cheese/coke she hired a hit man to break into the home, take the drugs and kill the residents. Number three, the hit man she hired was an undercover cop. She’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in East Lothian, Scotland, where an unidentified bozo was just sure that the bulging bag sitting on the doorstep of a home was full of valuables. Boy, was he wrong. The bag was full of a week’s worth of dirty diapers awaiting pickup by the local diaper service. At this time neither the diapers nor our bozo have been found, but just opening the bag may have been punishment enough.

From Chicago, Illinois comes our first ever story of assault with a tasty weapon. Bozo Brian Lane attempted to hold up a bar with a ham sandwich which he had molded into the shape of a gun. When no one would take him seriously, our bozo attempted to flee, only to trip on the way out of the bar. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Des Moines, Iowa. Bozo Stewart Jamieson just didn’t know when to shut up. Noticing a man checking license plates on cars in the neighborhood, our bozo walked up and asked "What’s up?" The man checking the plates was an undercover cop on a drug investigation and he simply responded back, "What’s up?" To which our bozo replied, "What’s up?" The cop answered back again, "What’s up?" Having heard enough, our bozo said, "I’ll show you what’s up," went inside his house and came out with a .38 caliber handgun. Not a good idea. The cop showed him his badge and placed him under arrest after finding him to be in possession of crack cocaine.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Joey Schwartzman for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Moscow, Russia comes the story of an unidentified bozo who forgot Bozo Rule Number 5476: There’s usually a reason a car is in the repair shop. Our bozo stole a nice looking Nissan from a garage and was really enjoying its acceleration when he noticed something. It had no brakes. He sailed through a couple of traffic lights before crashing into another car just a few hundred yards from the garage. Police helped him from the wreckage before hauling him off to jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Danville, California where bozo Peter Carson stole a car and headed for the freeway, and, since the car was equipped with one of those Fastrak devices, he was able to cruise right thought the toll booths without stopping. Guess he didn’t realize the owner of the car could log onto the internet and see the exact time he went through each toll booth. She simply turned that info over to the cops who quickly tracked down and arrested our joy riding bozo.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Gloucester, England, where bozo Charles Brunson snatched a woman’s handbag. As he turned to run away, he ran smack into a wall, knocking himself unconscious. Police first revived and then arrested our bozo.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in the Swiss Alps, where new cameras designed to catch speeders have been installed, and they’re being met with the same warm response over there that they’ve received here. One bozo, who just couldn’t face the fact that the camera had caught him speeding again, went after it with a pick ax, smashing it free from its mountings. He then loaded the camera into his car and drove up a mountain where he through it off a cliff. And, that’s when his luck ran out. Police officers noticed him when he tossed it over and arrested him, charging him with destruction of public property…and speeding.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Pakistan where our bozo, identified only as Zubair, escaped from prison after it was badly damaged in an earthquake. He then made his way back to his hometown, where he laid low and kept quiet, right? Wrong. Keep in mind we’re dealing with a bozo escapee here. Instead of keeping a low profile, he composed a song and dance describing how he escaped from prison. He then performed the little number for anyone willing to listen. Unfortunately, a police officer was in the audience for one of his performances. He’s back under arrest.

We have a very appropriate bozo for you on this Thanksgiving Day. From Fergus Falls, Minnesota comes the story of an unidentified bozo who attempted to burglarize the Speedway restaurant. Unfortunately, he tripped an alarm which notified the police. Looking for a place to hide, our bozo first took refuge in the ceiling, but it fell through. Then, he tried to hide in the most appropriate place for a turkey on Thanksgiving, in the large restaurant oven. Arresting officers removed him when he was only half-baked.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Salt Lake City, Utah, where bozo Bryan Ezell went to the local bank and filled out a loan application. When he returned the next day and found his loan had been denied, he pulled a shotgun and robbed the clerk. The cops had a good idea who he was, since he had filled out the loan application with all his personal information. But he made it even easier when he returned to the bank a third time and asked for the same teller he had robbed the day before. This time employees recognized him and called the cops before he had time to ask for another loan.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File high above Brisbane, Australia. Bozo Helene Sanger was struggling to quit smoking and, since she also had a fear of flying, she probably picked a bad time to go on a plane trip. After trying to calm her nerves with several drinks, our bozo just couldn’t take it any longer. She just had to have a smoke. So, she walked to one of the rear doors of the plane where she tried to crack it open just a little bit so she could light up. Fortunately, flight attendants were able to stop her before she got it open. Police were waiting for her when the plane landed. And, as for our bozo, she doesn’t remember a thing, and claims she must have been sleepwalking.

All of here at the Bozo Criminal Report are glad to see that things are getting back to normal in Louisiana. Bozo Criminal for today comes from Thibodaux, Louisiana, where bozo Sharita Wilkins ordered a meal at the local Malt-n-Burger. When her food arrived, our bozo was dismayed to discover that her onion rings were cold. And when the attendant refused to replace the rings, she did what any bozo would do in such a situation. She called 911 to report the problem. Bad idea. She was arrested and charged with misuse of the 911 system.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Salt Lake City, Utah, where bozo Bryan Ellis took a car from a dealership for a test drive. Literally took it, as in he didn’t return. Problem number one: He left his driver’s license at the dealership. Problem number two: He headed straight over to a check cashing business, which he robbed. The same check cashing business where he had taken out a loan the day before. The employee recognized him and called the cops. He’s under arrest for both robbery and auto theft.