Author: dave

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Ed Hart for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Thunder Bay, Ontario, Canada comes the story of bozo Nathan Massey for whom it seems looks are everything. Police officers noticed our bozo driving erratically and tried to pull him over. He kept going before pulling into a shopping center parking lot, where he slammed into several shopping carts. He then leapt from his vehicle and fled on foot. Don’t know if he caught a glimpse of himself in a window and didn’t like what he saw, but he headed straight for a hair salon where he requested a haircut. He’ll have to settle for the standard issue jailhouse cut for a while. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Kelso, Washington, where bozo Gerald Moore got into a standoff with police officers in front of his house. He was in enough trouble, but when officers entered the place, the saw a large notice that our bozo had posted just inside the front door. It said, "Do not open door and let anyone in. Stolen stuff visible." He wasn’t kidding. Police found stolen antiques, furniture, jewelry, credit cards and 19 guns inside. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Joey Schwartzman for sending in today’s report. From Interlachen, Florida comes the story of bozo Patricia Kenney who became a little nervous when the cops pulled her over for speeding. As she stood beside the car, she stuffed her hands into her pockets. And her troubles really began when she pulled her hands out, and a rock of crack cocaine was stuck to her sweaty palm. Busted!!!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Chattanooga, Tennessee, where bozo John Hastings was pulled over by the cops for a broken taillight. As the officers were approaching the car, our bozo jumped from the vehicle and ran into the nearby woods. The officers’ calls to our bozo went unanswered, so one of them shouted that since he hadn’t surrendered, they were going to turn their police dog loose. Of course, they had no dog, but the other officer could do a good imitation, so he started barking. Must have been a vicious- sounding bark, because after only a minute or so, bozo stood up and said, "I’m here! Call off the dog." He’s very embarrassed and very arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Martin County, Florida, where bozo Michael Massey was pulled over by the cops on suspicion of drunk driving. The officer’s suspicions were confirmed when he saw the open bottle of rum in the seat next to our bozo. He was writing out the citation when our bozo came up with an offer that sealed his fate and secured his position in the Bozo Hall of Fame. Reaching into the glove compartment, our bozo pulled out a stack of Dunkin’ Donuts coupons and said, "You can have these if you’ll just let me park the car and walk home." He let him park the car all right, so he could haul him off to the county jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Canada where bozo Richard Carter was stopped at a Saskatchewan border crossing. A customs agent noticed our bozo acting nervously. And when he took a closer look at his shirt, he noticed several moving bulges underneath his clothing. Upon further inspection, it was discovered that our bozo was attempting to smuggle four pigeons across the border by hiding them under his shirt. But, it was the reason that he offered to the officers for having the birds under there that sent him to the Bozo Hall of Fame. He told them he only had the birds under his shirt because they were cold.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Stockholm, Sweden, and it proves the old adage that if you’re a bozo and at first you don’t succeed, don’t try again. Our bozos had a plan to break into an electronics store by drilling through the wall from a neighboring suite of offices. On their first attempt, instead of boring into the electronic store, they drilled into a newspaper office housed in the same building. So, they moved over a few feet and drilled again. This time they bored into an optician’s office (maybe they should have stolen some glasses while they were there). Undeterred, they tried a third time and broke into an empty office. On their fourth try, they hit pay dirt, the electronics store. Unfortunately, they also set off the burglar alarm. They’re under arrest.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminals for today violated Bozo Rule Number 3431: Before stealing something, it’s a good idea to know the area’s geography. From the International File in Bridgewater, Nova Scotia, Canada comes the story of three teenagers who stole a boat and took it for a little joy ride. After beaching the craft, they decided to set it afire. Which would have been OK, except for one little thing. Our bozos didn’t realize they had come ashore on an island. An uninhabited island with no other way to get off it, except for the now burned out boat. Our bozos had to first be rescued before they could be arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Berlin, Germany where an unidentified bozo was pulled over on suspicion of drunk driving. He gave the officer his name, which was run through police records. While looking over them, the officer noticed our bozo was supposed to have a glass eye. When he shined his flashlight in our bozo’s "glass" eye, it responded to the light. Oops. He then tried to tell the cops that he used to have a glass eye, but didn’t any longer. Didn’t work. They uncovered his true identity and discovered he had lost his license. Busted!

Thanks to all the Bozo News Hawks at radio station KINY in Juneau, Alaska for sending in today’s report. Bozo Travis Leonard was arrested by the Juneau cops for drunk driving. After he had been processed, his girlfriend showed up in a cab to pick him up. Poor judgment on her part. One of the officers recognized her as being wanted on a couple of outstanding warrants. She was arrested and escorted to jail. No word if our bozo took the same cab home.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the Olympic Division in Torino, Italy. An unidentified bozo pickpocket snatched the wallet of 24 year old Gina Kingsbury while she was shopping in downtown Torino during the games. Several people noticed what he was doing and when he took off with her wallet, Gina followed in hot pursuit. It didn’t take her long to catch him and when she grabbed him, he obviously knew she meant business and quickly handed over the wallet. Did we fail to mention Gina is a forward on the gold medal winning Canadian women’s hockey team…and is known for her penalty killing and forechecking abilities?

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Bochum, Germany, where an unidentified bozo hailed a cab, rode around, and then jumped out without paying. He might have gotten away with it except he still needed a ride home. So, he did what any bozo would do…he called another cab. And who should be dispatched but the same driver he had stiffed before. The cabbie recognized him and called the cops, who arrested our still waiting bozo.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Emily Sowter for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Sydney, Australia comes the story of bozo Robert Carson who managed to escape from jail by losing a lot of weight and slipping through the bars of his cell. He must have lost some brain cells in addition to those fat cells while on his diet, as, shortly after his escape, he was captured while on a shopping trip with his girlfriend. It was his attempt at a disguise that did him in. He’s naturally blonde and he used a black marker to draw on a fake mustache. Needless to say, this getup attracted a lot of attention, and someone soon recognized him and called the cops. He’s back in jail, hopefully one with bars that are closer together.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Joey Schwartzman for sending in today’s report. Our bozo for today violated Bozo Rule Number 23567, which is specifically for forgers: Use spellchecker. From Van Buren, Arkansas comes the story of bozo Julie Roman who tried to pass a forged payroll check at the local convenience store. The clerk became suspicious when she noticed that the name of the business was misspelled on the check. She called the cops who caught up with our bozo and found 30 other forged, and misspelled, checks in her car. She’s under arrest.

We are only now getting word of a couple of bozos in Sheridan, Colorado who had big plans to celebrate the Super Bowl. After the game was over, they planned to set off their own pyrotechnics display by lighting some balloons filled with an explosive gas. They never got to enjoy their big plan. After filling a large balloon with acetylene gas, they drove over to where the big party was being held. As they were driving, the balloon rolled back and forth across the back seat, building up a static electricity charge. Eventually the charge sparked, setting off an explosion that broke the windows of the car and pushed the roof up about a foot. Our bozos miraculously weren’t seriously injured. They’ve been charged (no pun intended) with felony possession of an explosive device.

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who alerted us to this one from Orlando, Florida. Michael Griffin is 100 per cent bozo, and must also be a little nearsighted. He walked up to a car at a gas station and asked the man inside if he wanted to buy some cocaine. When the man inside the car was a bit hesitant, he asked him again. This time the man agreed. Our bozo handed over a bag of rock cocaine and the man then arrested him. What we didn’t tell you was that the man in the car was a police officer in full uniform and the car was a standard issue black and white cruiser. Oops.

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks for alerting us to this one from Fargo, North Dakota. Bozo Grace Simon was in need of some marijuana. Really in need of some marijuana. She needed it so bad, in fact, that she called the police dispatcher to ask him if he knew where she could buy some pot. The dispatcher politely told her that the drug was illegal, but that they did have some stored in a locker at the station house. She was arrested after she showed up at the station house with $3 to buy her pot.

Bozo criminal for today comes from West Bend, Wisconsin where an unidentified bozo broke into a residence and made himself at home. He brewed some coffee, cooked a meal, took a shower, picked out a change of clothes, watched TV and checked his e-mail before leaving. It was that last item that sealed his fate. He left his Yahoo account open after checking his personal e-mail, making it easy for the cops to track him down.

Our bozo for today is not exactly a criminal but she is definitely a bozo. From Cordova, Tennessee comes the story of an unidentified flight attendant for Northwest Airlines. During a stopover in Milwaukee, she found what she thought was an ideal gift for her son at an army surplus store and she stuffed it into her carry-on bag. Screeners were understandably alarmed when they identified the "gift" in her bag…a real but inactive hand grenade. Disorderly conduct charges and a hefty fine are pending.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Olympia, Washington where bozo Lance Griffin broke out of the minimum security prison where he was serving time for theft. Guess he hadn’t done his homework, as he had no sooner escaped than he found himself sliding down a steep embankment behind the jail. He then got stuck and, with the temperatures in the low 30’s, he was forced to call for help when he heard officers searching for him. And, worst of all, he only had 10 days left on his sentence when he broke out. He’s now had three more months tacked on…at a more secure prison.