Author: dave

Bozo criminals for today come from Benicia, California, where two bozos had big plans to hold up the local credit union. They donned ski masks and rushed into the First Pacific Credit Union around noon. With handguns drawn, our bozos ordered the employees to lie down on the floor and then instructed one of them to hand over all the money. And that’s when things started to go downhill. You see, there was no money to be had. Our bozos had chosen to rob what’s known as a "cashless credit union" where all money is deposited directly into a vault that is inaccessible to credit union employees. Oops…

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Suffolk, Virginia comes the story of bozo David Lee Nations who walked into a bank along with an accomplice and demanded money from a teller. He grabbed the loot and then ran outside to his getaway car. It was then that he realized that his partner had the keys to the car. Oops. And his partner was still inside the bank. Double oops. He rushed back to the bank to find the doors now locked. Triple oops. He’s under arrest. His accomplice, who got locked in the bank, is cooperating with the police and has not been charged.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report. From Smithfield, Ohio comes the story of bozo Michael Carlton who violated the Number One Rule for guys (and bozos) everywhere: Never, ever stop and ask for directions. Our bozo had stolen a car and was having trouble finding his way out of town, so he stopped at a house to ask for directions. The homeowner was glad to help and, as our bozo was pulling away, he noticed the car he was driving looked awfully familiar. In fact, he was so sure it was his daughter’s car, he called the cops. Yep, our bozo had stopped to ask for directions at the home of the father of the car’s owner. He’s been charged with theft.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Ed Hart for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Slough, England comes the story of a gang of bozo criminals who heard through the ol’ crook grapevine that a Ford transit van that would be passing through town was loaded with money. Lots of money, $130,000,000 in fact. They snatched the van as its driver was making a delivery. And the story they had heard was true, the van was full of money. Unfortunately, it was Monopoly money that was to be used in a promotion of a new version of the game.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Mill Valley, California where bozo Steven Cox tried to mail a half pound package of marijuana. It was wrapped up nicely and might have made it to its destination except for one thing. Our bozo forgot to put an address on the package. He did, however, remember to write on his own return address. Officials opened the package to see if the mailing label was inside, and that’s when they discovered the pot. He’s been arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Stevens Point, Wisconsin where an unidentified bozo broke into a residence and stole a camera from a purse. Unfortunately for him, he left behind a little calling card. His probation and parole card, which had a date and time for his next appointment with the parole officer. That’s been changed. His next appointment is in jail.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Diane Kahler for sending in today’s report. From Des Moines, Iowa comes the story of bozo Kimberly Dixon who had a bunch of outstanding traffic tickets. Thinking there was no way she was going to be able to pay them all, she did what any bozo would do. She faked her own death. A letter was sent to the courthouse containing a phony obituary stating that our bozo had died in a car accident. She was tripped up the when the "dead person driving" was pulled over for another speeding violation.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk David Alford for sending in today’s report. From Brunswick, Ohio comes the story of bozo Jason Mitchell who had just spent some time behind bars on a disorderly conduct charge. Upon being released, he found no one waiting to pick him up. So, he did what any bozo would do. He stole a pickup truck from the police station parking lot. Bad idea. Police arrested him at his home, where he was loading the truck with stuff to take to California. He’s back in jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Augustine, Florida where bozo Ralph Gonzales was showing off the On-Star system on his new Cadillac Escalade. Unfortunately, the volume was set too low for him to hear the On-Star operator answer. And if there is no response, it is On-Star’s policy to contact authorities. When the cops came by to check on our bozo, they discovered a package of cocaine on the vehicle’s center console. Busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Ed Hart for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Thunder Bay, Ontario, Canada comes the story of bozo Nathan Massey for whom it seems looks are everything. Police officers noticed our bozo driving erratically and tried to pull him over. He kept going before pulling into a shopping center parking lot, where he slammed into several shopping carts. He then leapt from his vehicle and fled on foot. Don’t know if he caught a glimpse of himself in a window and didn’t like what he saw, but he headed straight for a hair salon where he requested a haircut. He’ll have to settle for the standard issue jailhouse cut for a while. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Kelso, Washington, where bozo Gerald Moore got into a standoff with police officers in front of his house. He was in enough trouble, but when officers entered the place, the saw a large notice that our bozo had posted just inside the front door. It said, "Do not open door and let anyone in. Stolen stuff visible." He wasn’t kidding. Police found stolen antiques, furniture, jewelry, credit cards and 19 guns inside. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Joey Schwartzman for sending in today’s report. From Interlachen, Florida comes the story of bozo Patricia Kenney who became a little nervous when the cops pulled her over for speeding. As she stood beside the car, she stuffed her hands into her pockets. And her troubles really began when she pulled her hands out, and a rock of crack cocaine was stuck to her sweaty palm. Busted!!!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Chattanooga, Tennessee, where bozo John Hastings was pulled over by the cops for a broken taillight. As the officers were approaching the car, our bozo jumped from the vehicle and ran into the nearby woods. The officers’ calls to our bozo went unanswered, so one of them shouted that since he hadn’t surrendered, they were going to turn their police dog loose. Of course, they had no dog, but the other officer could do a good imitation, so he started barking. Must have been a vicious- sounding bark, because after only a minute or so, bozo stood up and said, "I’m here! Call off the dog." He’s very embarrassed and very arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Martin County, Florida, where bozo Michael Massey was pulled over by the cops on suspicion of drunk driving. The officer’s suspicions were confirmed when he saw the open bottle of rum in the seat next to our bozo. He was writing out the citation when our bozo came up with an offer that sealed his fate and secured his position in the Bozo Hall of Fame. Reaching into the glove compartment, our bozo pulled out a stack of Dunkin’ Donuts coupons and said, "You can have these if you’ll just let me park the car and walk home." He let him park the car all right, so he could haul him off to the county jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Canada where bozo Richard Carter was stopped at a Saskatchewan border crossing. A customs agent noticed our bozo acting nervously. And when he took a closer look at his shirt, he noticed several moving bulges underneath his clothing. Upon further inspection, it was discovered that our bozo was attempting to smuggle four pigeons across the border by hiding them under his shirt. But, it was the reason that he offered to the officers for having the birds under there that sent him to the Bozo Hall of Fame. He told them he only had the birds under his shirt because they were cold.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Stockholm, Sweden, and it proves the old adage that if you’re a bozo and at first you don’t succeed, don’t try again. Our bozos had a plan to break into an electronics store by drilling through the wall from a neighboring suite of offices. On their first attempt, instead of boring into the electronic store, they drilled into a newspaper office housed in the same building. So, they moved over a few feet and drilled again. This time they bored into an optician’s office (maybe they should have stolen some glasses while they were there). Undeterred, they tried a third time and broke into an empty office. On their fourth try, they hit pay dirt, the electronics store. Unfortunately, they also set off the burglar alarm. They’re under arrest.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminals for today violated Bozo Rule Number 3431: Before stealing something, it’s a good idea to know the area’s geography. From the International File in Bridgewater, Nova Scotia, Canada comes the story of three teenagers who stole a boat and took it for a little joy ride. After beaching the craft, they decided to set it afire. Which would have been OK, except for one little thing. Our bozos didn’t realize they had come ashore on an island. An uninhabited island with no other way to get off it, except for the now burned out boat. Our bozos had to first be rescued before they could be arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Berlin, Germany where an unidentified bozo was pulled over on suspicion of drunk driving. He gave the officer his name, which was run through police records. While looking over them, the officer noticed our bozo was supposed to have a glass eye. When he shined his flashlight in our bozo’s "glass" eye, it responded to the light. Oops. He then tried to tell the cops that he used to have a glass eye, but didn’t any longer. Didn’t work. They uncovered his true identity and discovered he had lost his license. Busted!

Thanks to all the Bozo News Hawks at radio station KINY in Juneau, Alaska for sending in today’s report. Bozo Travis Leonard was arrested by the Juneau cops for drunk driving. After he had been processed, his girlfriend showed up in a cab to pick him up. Poor judgment on her part. One of the officers recognized her as being wanted on a couple of outstanding warrants. She was arrested and escorted to jail. No word if our bozo took the same cab home.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the Olympic Division in Torino, Italy. An unidentified bozo pickpocket snatched the wallet of 24 year old Gina Kingsbury while she was shopping in downtown Torino during the games. Several people noticed what he was doing and when he took off with her wallet, Gina followed in hot pursuit. It didn’t take her long to catch him and when she grabbed him, he obviously knew she meant business and quickly handed over the wallet. Did we fail to mention Gina is a forward on the gold medal winning Canadian women’s hockey team…and is known for her penalty killing and forechecking abilities?