Author: dave

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Joey Schwartzman for sending in today’s report. From Columbus, Ohio comes the story of bozo Stan Higgins who picked the lock on one of the vans at an appliance repair company, hoping to steal the valuable tools inside. Being extra careful not to be seen, once inside, he closed the door of the van behind him. This would have been OK except for one thing: this van was equipped with a child safety lock that kept anyone from being able to open the doors from the inside. Our bozo found himself trapped in the back of the van, as a heavy steel cage prevented him from getting to the front seat. And that’s where company employees found him when they arrived for work the next day. He was freed and arrested.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Randy Shereda for sending in today’s report. From Clinton Township, Michigan comes the story of an unidentified bozo who who cut in front of a line of motorists waiting for discounted gas, in a promotion sponsored by local prosecutors. Cutting in line was bad enough, but he wasn’t even interested in the cheap gas. It was a snack he was in dire need of. He was arrested after officers on duty at the event found a stash of marijuana in his car.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Kirk Hellweg for sending in today’s report. From Clearwater, Florida comes the story of bozo Richard Cousins who had some stolen motorcycle parts he wanted to sell. So, he took some pictures of them and posted them on e-bay, which would have been a good idea except for one thing. His bare feet showed up in some of the shots. And his toes were tattooed with the letters "WHITE TRASH". When the rightful owner of the stolen parts spotted them on line, he called the cops. Police searched jail records and were able to identify our one and only bozo by his toe tattoos. As one officer said, he’s "tiptoeing" back to jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File, Internal Affairs Division. From Trier, Germany, comes the story of a 52 year old police commissioner who had obviously never learned the finer points of pulling off a crime. Our bozo cop stormed into a bank, wearing a mask and brandishing a gun. He got away with a little cash but not before employees got the description and license plate number of his getaway vehicle. Police were able to trace the car to our bozo’s girlfriend, who told them she had loaned the car to him for the week. He’ll be looking at things from the other side of the bars for a while.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Rockaway, New Jersey, where the cops were holding their fourth annual police expo. And one exhibit in particular attracted our teenage bozo. It was a display of popular street drugs. Lots of them. Too many for our bozo to resist. He was collared by the cops as he tried to break into the display case, right there in the police exhibit. He’s under arrest…and those drugs that looked so good to him…they were fake.

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Puchong, Malaysia, where three bozos tried to hold up a cell phone store. While one of them asked the manager to take a look at his broken phone, another one pulled a knife and demanded cash. The manager was having none of it and fled as soon as he saw the knife. Our bozos then grabbed up several cell phones and headed for the door. At that very moment, the manager returned with a baseball bat, conking one of our bozos on the head. They beat a hasty retreat to their getaway vehicle, a motorcycle, with the manager in hot pursuit. The driver only made it a short distance before losing control and crashing the bike. By this time, passers by had arrived and they held our bozos down until the police got there. And those cell phones they stole…they were fake display models.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Ogden Dunes, Indiana where bozo John McInturff had just been released from jail and was in the mood to celebrate. As he and his family were riding home on a commuter train, our bozo found himself ready for a beer. And not wanting to wait until he could get to a liquor store, he decided to simply swipe one from a fellow passenger. Maybe he should have asked politely first as the other gentleman did not take kindly to having his beer stolen and soon an argument erupted, which resulted in the cops being called. Our bozo will have to put off his celebration for awhile. He’s back behind bars.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Sao Paulo, Brazil where an unidentified bozo found himself in a jam after a robbery attempt at an electronics store went bad. Holding several hostages, and surrounded by the cops, our bozo wasn’t sure what to do. So, he asked the cops for one phone call…to talk to his lawyer, right? Wrong. He called his Mommy to ask her for advice. She told him to release the hostages and surrender, which he did.

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Ruichang, China, where a group of bozos came up with a truly Bozoesque plan to rob a gambling hall. Their idea: Knock out the gamblers with cyanide gas and steal their money. Maybe they forgot that they might need gas masks for themselves. Two of our bozos died from the gas; the other three were rendered unconscious. The survivors have been charged with attempted robbery.

Bozo criminals for today learned the hard way that honesty is not always the best policy. From San Francisco, California comes the story of a group of four bozos who were pulled over by the cops on a routine traffic stop. When the officer asked them where they were going, one of them responded that they were on their way to rob a bank. And he wasn’t lying. A quick check of the officer’s computer found that their description matched that of a group of robbers who were suspected of holding up a number of area banks over the last few months. They’re under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Fashion Rule #36789: Your jail wardrobe may not be the best choice for wearing on the outside. From Redlands, California comes the story of bozo Joseph Adams who was released from a California prison after serving time for theft. He had only been out for a few days when frightened residents called the cops after seeing him standing on a street corner wearing a jail issue windbreaker with the words "CDC prisoner" on the back. Thinking they had an escaped con on their hands, the cops rushed over to investigate. Turns out our bozo was supposed to have turned in the jacket upon release. Police arrested him for being in possession of stolen property and for parole violations.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Knoxville, Tennessee comes the story of bozo Aaron Lancaster who was sentenced to six months in jail in a drive by shooting incident. It was the letter he sent to the folks back home that got his sentence raised to eight years. Our bozo wrote to a friend asking him to take over his marijuana dealing business while he was away. He forgot that the authorities routinely screen outgoing mail.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Joey Schwartzman for sending in today’s report. From Middletown, Ohio comes the story of bozo couple Richard and Stephanie Newman who just had to have one of those new big screen panel TVs. And, being tapped out on their credit cards, they decided to steal one from the local electronics store. They loaded it into the back of their vehicle and took off. One problem, however, the 55 inch screen was too big to fit in the back seat of their small car and they were spotted by the cops going down the road with the back door half open and the TV hanging out. That’ll attract a little attention. They’ve been charged with theft.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Randy Shereda for sending in today’s report. From Las Vegas, Nevada comes the story of bozo Freddy Diego who broke into the home of a U.S. Federal magistrate and stole his car. He left behind a half consumed can of Coke, with an excellent set of fingerprints on it, in the garage. And, before he ditched the car, he left another thumb print on the rear view mirror. But, what really sealed his fate was what he left in the trunk. His backpack and some photos of himself with his girlfriend. Police had all the evidence they needed to make the arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Milwaukee, Wisconsin. You could say bozo Charles Henrickson was having a bad day. First, he entered a large sports complex and tried to rob a woman in her office. When he discovered she had no money, he tried to mug a man but his wallet turned out to be empty also. Thinking this was not the place to be, he tried to flee but got lost and couldn’t find the exit. When the police arrived, he complained of chest pains. (It’s the big one, Elizabeth!) Police helped him find the exit and took him to jail.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report. From Hayward, California comes the story of another bozo caught in a chimney. But this one has a slightly different twist. Bozo Michael Estes says he locked himself out of his house, so he decided to climb back in through the chimney. And thinking it would be easier if he were naked, he stripped off all his clothes first. Didn’t help, he got stuck anyway. Police answered his calls for help and after several minutes were able to pull our naked and dirty bozo out. It was after they removed him that they noticed he was, shall we say, a little out of it. He’s been charged with being under the influence of drugs.

Bozo criminals for today come from Nashua, New Hampshire where a group of teenage bozos were having a high old time firing paintballs at passing cars. Their fun came to a screeching halt when they unloaded on an unmarked police cruiser. Oops. They’re under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today found out the hard way that there are some things that you just can’t take back. From Williston, North Dakota comes the story of bozo Ryan Wilson who walked into a bank wearing a ski mask and demanded money. Then, for some reason, he changed his mind and pulled off the mask, telling the frightened teller, "Just kidding." He then withdrew some money from his checking account and left. Unfortunately, it’s not that simple. He’s been charged with attempted robbery and faces five years in prison if convicted.

A man goes into a bar every Friday and orders three beers. After a few weeks, the bartender’s curiosity gets the best of him and he asks, "Why do you always order three beers?" The man replies, "One is for me and the others are for my two brothers." This goes on for several months until finally one Friday the man comes in and only orders two beers. The bartender says, "What happened? Why are you only ordering two beers?" The man says, "My wife made me join the Baptist church and I’ve had to give up drinking!"

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Joey Schwartzman for sending in today’s report from Los Angeles, California. Bozo Tekle Zoller was arrested and charged with counterfeiting. And it wasn’t that his bills were poor quality, in fact, they were actually quite good. It was his choice of bill to counterfeit that attracted attention. He printed up 250 billion dollar bills. Yep, that’s billion with a "B". Try cashing those at your neighborhood Seven Eleven.