Author: dave

Bozo criminal for today comes from San Diego, California, where the cops were dispatched to a Wells Fargo Bank branch at 3:30 AM on a report of a break-in. They found a broken window near the drive-thru. Taking a quick look around inside, it appeared everything was normal. Until they walked into the break room. There they found our bozo enjoying a tasty meal of Hot Pockets. He offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week, telling the officers he only broke in to use the bank’s microwave. When asked if the Hot Pockets were worth it, he replied, “Hell, Yeah!” He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Sacramento County, California. It seems our bozo was cruising around on Memorial Day when he lost control of his vehicle and crashed into a pond. Dispatch received a call from him around 1:30 am and when the cops arrived they found our bozo and his vehicle “well submerged” in the pond. He explained to the officers that he had spent about an hour trying to get his car unstuck before calling the cops. And just why does this merit inclusion in the Bozo Report? The “pond” he was submerged in was a liquid manure storage pond at a dairy farm. Ugh. He’s been charged with DUI. That car will need a LOT of those little Christmas trees to get that stink out.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Kitty Hawk, North Carolina, where the cops noticed our bozo acting strangely in a public park. A quick check of his person found methamphetamine, marijuana and some unidentified pills in the pocket of his jeans. Before they could arrest him, he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. While he did not deny he was in possession of the drugs, he did deny ownership of the pants. Yep, he said, “Those are not my pants.” The officers offered their sympathy, but advised our bozo that you should always check the pockets before putting on someone else’s jeans. He’s busted!

If anyone has any doubt that things have gotten weird during the pandemic, please consider today’s report from Forest Park, Illinois. A business owner called the cops when she received a suspicious package which she could not identify. Fearing that the package might contain a bomb, officers opened the package in a safe area. Well, it did contain an explosive device of sorts, but not the kind to do any damage. Inside was a tubular shaped object with a spring inside. Upon removal of the top, it revealed itself to be a glitter bomb, ejecting multi colored pieces of glitter. And not just regular glitter, either. These pieces of glitter were in the shape of little tiny penises. Anyone with any information as to who sent the love bomb is asked to call the cops.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Powell, Tennessee, where bozo Jalen Cook wanted a bottle of water. So he headed down to the convenience store to pick one up. Nothing unusual about that, right? Did we mention he walked into the store totally naked? And that he walked out without paying? But he wasn’t done. For reasons known only to the Bozo Mind, he returned to the store and began knocking items off the shelf. He then grabbed sausages off the grill and began throwing them at the cashier. The cops were called and our bozo was stunned and placed under arrest. He’s charged with assault with a meaty weapon.

This morning we have another example of a bozo foiled by modern technology. Our bozo for today, from Barstow, California, had his eye on a shiny new Tesla automobile. Seizing the opportunity, our bozo grabbed the door and yelled at the driver to get out. The owner obliged and our bozo drove off. Successful crime, right? Wrong. Apparently the Tesla has a mobile app that allows you to disable the vehicle and lock the doors remotely. And, being a bozo, he couldn’t find the manual unlock buttons inside the car. He was still trying to free himself from the vehicle when the cops arrived. Busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Louisa, Virginia, where our bozos were faced with a quandary. What with face masks being in short supply today, what do you cover your face with when you try to hold up a convenience store? They came up with what may be the ultimate bozo solution. They hollowed out some watermelons, cut holes for their eyes and placed them over their heads. Surprisingly, the melons stayed in place long enough for them to make their getaway but security camera footage caught a good picture of their getaway vehicle. They’re under arrest.

Bozo criminals for today from Ypsilanti, Michigan, are a classic case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. The cops received a call of four masked men causing a disturbance at the local Sunoco convenience store. Since there had been an armed robbery at the store a couple of days before, the cops assumed it might be the same guys back for more. When the cops arrived, the four men, who may have simply been wearing masks to protect themselves from the coronavirus, fled. The cops gave chase and when they caught up with our bozos, it was determined that they were not the suspected robbers. BUT, a concealed weapon was found on one of them and a quick check found another to be in possession of drugs and another to have an outstanding warrant. Oops. They’re busted!

We here at the Bozo Report are fully aware that these have been very stressful times. And all this stress has led some folks who might not ordinarily do such things to come over to the Bozo side. Such is the case today from the International File in Frome, Somerset, England. Our bozo, who is only identified as “Dave” had a rather momentous birthday approaching. And, during the Covid-19 lockdown, how do you celebrate? Well, if you’re “Dave” you strip off all your clothes and go for a naked bicycle ride through the neighborhood. Taking all things into consideration, the cops decided to let him off with a warning. Happy Birthday, Dave!

Longtime bozo fans may remember a similar story from the US a couple of years back, but apparently our bozo friends didn’t learn from the previous bozo’s mistake. From Harworth in England’s East Midlands comes today’s story. Officers went to a residence with a warrant and two bozos quickly fled into the nearby woods. As they were conducting a search, one of the officers heard a familiar sound. Someone letting one rip in a nearby bush. Yep, he just couldn’t hold that fart in one second longer. The cop, with a nose for such things, tracked him down and quickly placed him under arrest. His less gassy accomplice was found later hiding behind a fireplace.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Oakland County, Michigan, where the cops were called to a report of an unusual vehicle driving down Milford Road late at night. What they found definitely wasn’t what they expected. Our bozo was cruising down the road in a Caterpillar front end loader. Since there wasn’t any construction going on at that time of night, our bozo was immediately pulled over. Apparently he had stolen it from a worksite nearby. He offered no explanation for his actions. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Modesto, California, in the California wine country. Webcam footage from a Cherokee Freight Lines tanker truck shows our bozo pull in front of the big rig, with his hazard flashers on, directing the driver to pull over. The trucker stops, thinking he has a mechanical problem. And that’s when things got weird. Really weird. Bozo Gabriel Montez, clad only in his underwear, jumps out of his car and runs to the back of the truck, disappearing from the driver’s view. The trucker decides the best thing to do is get out of there so he pulls back onto the freeway. With the truck now back up to speed, our bozo reappears, climbing on the side of the truck. Hanging on for dear life, our bozo positions himself near the bottom of the tanker and opens up a valve. Suddenly, the trucks cargo of red wine begins flowing out and our bozo sticks his face into the stream and gulps down as much as possible. The driver called the cops and our now drunken bozo was placed under arrest but not before the truck lost about 1000 gallons of red wine, most of it ending up on the highway. Cheers!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Atlanta, Georgia, where our bozo was involved in a traffic accident. Must have been a slow news day in Atlanta, as the local TV station sent a crew over to cover the wreck. While the photographer was setting up his camera, our bozo decided it might be a good time to get outta there. She jumped in the news van, which was still running, and drove away. Unfortunately for her, the TV reporter was still inside and she let the cops know what was going on and they joined in the chase. Our bozo went two for two this day as she hadn’t gone very far in the stolen van before she crashed it also. Fortunately, no one was injured. She’s been charged with kidnapping with other charges to follow.

Once again we present someone that is not a criminal but is truly 100 percent Bozo. As is the case in America, many news anchors around the world are doing their newscasts from home rather than the TV studio. And this was the case in Spain with bozo news anchor Alfonso Merlos who was doing a segment when a semi-nude woman was clearly seen in the background of the shot. Oops. And our bozo was known to have a celebrity girlfriend and this definitely wasn’t her. Double oops. He has since apologized. Gives an entirely new meaning to the term “raw footage.”

Bozo criminal for today comes from Jefferson County, Colorado, where bozo David Pierce pulled up to the drive-thru at his neighborhood bank. He dropped his deposit in the tube and sent it to the teller. Unfortunately for him, he included two bags of cocaine along with the cash he was depositing. The teller quickly called the cops who found more drugs in his car. Busted! No withdrawals allowed on this account.

The Bozo Criminal Report has been compiling some of the Bozo Excuses for violating stay at home orders during the covid-19 outbreak. Today’s report came from one of the first countries to go on lockdown during the crisis, Italy. Police there stopped our bozo for violating curfew and that’s when he offered up the Bozo Coronavirus Excuse of the week. He told the cops that he had run out of wine at home and was trying to find someplace, anyplace, that was selling wine. When told that only stores deemed essential could be open, he stated that he thought wine WAS essential. We would agree.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Palm Coast, Florida. The cops were conducting an investigation into illegal drug trafficking in the area when they arrived at our bozo’s residence. Before they knocked on the front door, they noticed the welcome mat wasn’t so welcoming. It said, “Come Back With A Warrant.” Always being good at following directions, that’s just what the cops did. When they returned, they found fentanyl and other drug paraphernalia inside. Busted!

After being on Covid-19 hiatus we return with a story that doesn’t involve criminal activity, but seems appropriate for the times. Our bozo for today, one Daniel Reardon, is an astrophysicist in Australia. Like many of us, he became bored in isolation so he decided to try to invent something that might prove helpful during the epidemic. He came up with the idea of a device that would keep you from unnecessarily touching your face by setting off an alarm when your hands neared your face. Seems like a good plan. First, he came up with a magnetic bracelet that would trigger an alarm when it encountered another magnetic field. Now, where do you place the other magnets? How about up your nose? Sure. Give it a try. He placed two magnets inside his nostrils and two others on the outside. So far, so good. Things went downhill when he removed the magnets from the outside of his nostril. Click! The two inside his nostrils stuck together. Stuck so tightly that he couldn’t remove them. When he tried to place another magnet on the outside of his nostril to try to pull the other magnet back, he lost his grip and the magnet clipped onto the other one inside his nose. He now found himself with two magnets stuck in one nostril and on in the other. Next step, a trip to the hospital where doctors were able to remove the magnets without further problems. Mr. Rocket Scientist says he’s through with magnets for a while.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Grand Ridge, Florida, where a deputy stopped to help our bozo whose car had broken down on the side of the road. The observant officer noticed a strong smell of marijuana emanating from our bozo and a quick search turned up a marijuana cigarette…in her bra. This discovery led to a search of the car which turned up half a pound of crystal methamphetamine, additional quantities of marijuana packaged for sale, scales, and US currency. BUSTed! Charged with trafficking in a controlled substance and possession of marijuana with intent to distribute.