Author: dave

Bozo criminals for today come from De Soto, Missouri where three bozos wanted some beer really bad, but were a little short of cash. So, they came up with the ultimate Bozo Distraction. One of our bozos donned a mask and stripped naked. He walked into a convenience store and began doing a hula dance in front of the clerk, hoping to distract him while his accomplice stole a case of beer. They then rushed back to their getaway car where our third bozo was waiting. Must not have been a very impressive hula as the clerk was able to keep his wits about him and call the cops after a customer got their license plate number. Our bozos have been charged with theft and indecent exposure.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Eugene, Oregon where police vice squad officers had raided an apartment and were questioning the tenant when our bozo stopped by. He walked up to one of the officers who was wearing a badge and asked him if he could hook him up with some drugs. The officer told him he couldn’t help him. Not wanting to take no for an answer, our bozo asked the same question of another officer who wasn’t quite so obliging. He checked our bozo out, found him to be in possession of marijuana and placed him under arrest.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminals for today come from the International File. From Manchester, England comes the story of bozo Roland Tweed and five of his bozo cohorts who held up a department store. One of our bozo’s duties was to be the official photographer of the crime. He snapped pictures of the group before, during and after the break-in. The gang got away clean and might still be free today if not for that film, which our bozo dropped off for developing at the one hour photo shop in the very department store they had robbed. The person developing the film realized what the pictures were and called the cops.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from Milwaukee, Wisconsin where bozo Mark Alexander was accused of stealing a bright red Mercedes Benz. After being charged, our bozo came before the judge with a rather unique idea for making his $5,000 bail. Could he use the stolen car as collateral? Nope. He was sent back to his cell.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from West Haven, Connecticut where bozo Kenneth James walked into a convenience store and offered the clerk a dollar bill for a pack of gum. When the clerk opened the drawer, our bozo grabbed about $40 in cash and fled. After a while, our bozo began to feel some remorse and walked back into the store and said to the clerk, "Did I pay for the gum?" Unfortunately for our bozo, he returned at about the same time that the cops arrived to investigate the robbery. He was quickly arrested.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 7887: It’s usually a good idea to eat before you commit a crime. From El Cerrito, California comes the story of bozo Royce Richards who carjacked a vehicle, forcing the owner to drive to a bank to withdraw money from an ATM before kicking him out of the car. The owner immediately called the cops and our bozo immediately headed out to get something to eat. The police were on the lookout for the vehicle and spotted it in the drive thru lane at the local Jack in the Box. Our bozo was so intent on getting his order that he didn’t even notice the police cruiser in line behind him. He was arrested before he could enjoy his burger.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from Newark, New Jersey where bozo Ronnie Hamer was pulled over by the cops for speeding. As the officer was asking our bozo a few routine questions, the bozo became more and more nervous, finally reaching into the glove compartment for a smoke. As he pulled out the cigarette pack, what should fall from the pack and into plain view of the officer but a marijuana cigarette. The car was searched and $32,000 worth of drug money and several pounds of marijuana were found. Maybe next time our bozo should try using the patch.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Modesto, California where bozo Joshua Moreno had been placed under a restraining order by his wife. Now bozo Joshua wanted this order lifted, so he did what any bozo would do … he went before the judge to make the request. Pretending to be his wife. In a dress, high heels, red lipstick, long black wig and speaking in a high-pitched falsetto voice. Maybe it was his five o’clock shadow that gave him away. The judge was not fooled and had our bozo arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Marietta, Georgia where bozo Garrett Livingston robbed a bank and fled. He then immediately tried to blend in by walking across the street and joining a function that was going on at a church. That was his first mistake. His second was walking around with money falling out of his pants and t-shirt. And his third and fatal mistake was attending a church function that was also attended by two former New York cops who quickly figured out what was going on and held on to our bozo until backup arrived.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Joey Schwartzman for sending in today’s report from Smyrna, Tennessee. Bozo Matthew Robinson had been a very busy thief, stealing DVD players, Ipods, a couple of air compressors, a power washer, power tools, a scooter, leaf blower, fishing equipment, a Nintendo game and a bible from seven residences in the area. And he had all this loot in his pickup truck when he pulled into the Sonic Drive In parking lot and fell asleep. The manager thought something might be amiss and called the cops who came by and arrested our bozo.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Mainz, Germany where an unidentified bozo walked into a bank and demanded cash. The teller refused, perhaps because of the weapons our bozo used to threaten him with. A water pistol and a potato peeler. After a brief standoff, our bozo left empty handed. He was arrested by the cops five minutes later, as he wandered down a nearby street, still wearing his ski mask.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Wyalusing, Pennsylvania where an unidentified bozo tried to hold up the French fry stand at the annual carnival. Our bozo grabbed the cash drawer and was preparing to make his getaway when the French fry cook saw what was going on and hurled a large basket of fries in his direction. The combination of grease and hot fries caused our bozo to slip down. Bystanders were able to keep the slippery thief down until the police arrived.

Bozo criminals for today come from Two Rivers, Wisconsin where two teenage Bozos were trying to steal some gas from a riding lawn mower. It was dark and things weren’t going so well, so you can guess what they did. They lit a torch and held it close to the gas tank. Too close. After the explosion, our bozos were treated for burns and arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Laohekou, China where an unidentified woman and her dog had gone into the local bank to withdraw some money. Like all banks everywhere, it took a little longer than expected and her poor dog had an accident right there in the lobby. The woman politely asked for some paper to clean up the mess, which she did. While the teller was still working on getting her money, she stepped outside to dispose of the neatly wrapped package. And that was when our bozo thief roared up on his motorcycle, grabbing Fido’s present and vanishing into traffic. Police are not sure exactly what they’ll charge him with should they catch him.

Our bozo criminal for today apparently thought the concept of "Satisfaction guaranteed or your money back" had spread to the drug world. From Atlanta, Georgia comes the story of bozo Juanita Jackson who called the cops to report that she was unhappy with the crack cocaine she had purchased and wanted help in getting her money back. Always looking to serve, the cops showed up at her residence and she asked them to take a look at the dope. After determining that it was indeed cocaine, they placed her under arrest for possession.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Ashland, Kentucky where bozo Kasey Koonce believed that duct tape was good for just about anything, even as a mask for a burglary. He wrapped his head in duct tape, leaving a slit for his eyes and nose and walked into a liquor store, demanding money. Unfortunately, the duct tape didn’t turn out to be frightening to the clerk, who waved a bat that he had also wrapped in duct tape at our bozo, sending him scurrying into the parking lot where another employee held him down until the cops arrived. Maybe the duct tape did succeed in cutting off the oxygen to our bozo’s brain. Even though the cops took pictures of him before and after the tape was removed, at last report he’s insisting they’ve got the wrong man.

Bozo criminals for today come from Fairfield, Maine where a couple of teenage bozos tried to rob a tattoo parlor. Knowing the shop had a burglar alarm, they tried to disarm it by using a trick they had seen on an old episode of Charlie’s Angels. They sprayed hairspray into the room, hoping to reveal the path of the laser beam. Instead, the spray triggered the alarm. Oops. The cops quickly arrived and placed our wannabe angels under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Albany, New York where bozo Justin Alexander walked into a convenience store armed with a shotgun. After demanding cash, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, he placed the shotgun on the counter. The quick thinking clerk grabbed it and turned it on our bozo, who quickly fled the store. Then, in another brilliant move, he came back into the store to try to get the gun back from the clerk. During the scuffle, it went off, not injuring anyone, and this time our bozo left for good. But not before a truck driver wrote down his license plate number. He’s now under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Hudson, Michigan where an unidentified bozo obviously forgot to go over his Bozo Check List before leaving the house. Our bozo put on a hooded sweat shirt, dark glasses and gloves and walked into a bank. He handed the teller a note demanding cash. So far so good. She then asked him if he had a bag to put the money into. Oops!!! Forgot! Our bozo was so flustered by his oversight that he fled empty handed.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Kent, England where bozo Terence Carter thought he had pulled off the perfect crime. He had just successfully gotten himself a bag of cash from the local bank and was about to make his getaway. In a final fit of bravado, he turned back to the teller, pointed his finger at her and said, "You had better not lock me in!" She didn’t, and he was able to run out of the building. Unfortunately, when he pointed his finger at her, he left one perfect fingerprint on the security glass. The cops were able to identify him by this print and he is now serving 9 1/2 years for bank robbery.