Author: dave

Bozo criminal for today comes from East Naples, Florida where bozo Joann Olson was having a bad hair day. Responding to an alarm, the police found her inside the neighborhood hair salon, clad in a housecoat, pajamas, slippers and yellow dishwashing gloves. She told the cops that she had broken into the salon because they gave her a bad haircut and she was going to steal enough money from them to get her hair fixed. And to add insult to injury, after she was arrested her husband told the cops she had broken into the wrong hair salon. Wait ’til she sees the haircut she’ll get in prison.

Bozo criminal for today from Columbus, Nebraska, learned the hard way that "Let’s Make a Deal" only works when you’re Monty Hall. Bozo Juan Lara walked into a convenience store and tried to purchase cigarettes, a lighter and a cigar only to discover that he had no cash. He then reached into his pocket and whipped out a baggie of marijuana and offered to trade the pot for the merchandise. No deal, the clerk replied. Our bozo told him he would be back with the cash shortly. He left the store and buried the pot in a snowdrift within plain sight of the clerk, who called the cops. Our bozo was pacing back in forth in front of the store, trying to figure out a way to come up with the cash when the cops arrived. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today from Dodge County, Wisconsin, made it easy on the cops. Bozo Pam Davis was driving her husband home from a local bar when he pointed out to her that she also might be a little too drunk to drive. And that’s when she decided to call 911 to tell them of her situation. She also told the dispatcher her name, type of vehicle, location and estimated time of arrival home. She made it home safely only to be arrested by police officers who were waiting for her. And there may be one other bozo at work here…the dispatcher who didn’t tell her to immediately pull over.

Bozo criminal for today perhaps should have taken the bus. From Roseberg, Oregon, comes the story of bozo car thief Ernesto Pool, who had a bad day. First, he stole a pickup from the Chevrolet lot, only going a short distance before a tire blew. He jumped out of the truck and into a Subaru he found parked in a nearby driveway. He had that car for about 15 minutes before the engine overheated, causing it to catch fire. A passerby rushed over with a fire extinguisher, leaving his own car unattended. Our bozo jumped into this car and sped away, not getting very far before he ran over some spike strips placed in his path by the cops. This caused him to skid off the road where the cops found him and placed him under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Port St. Lucie, Florida where bozo college student Joseph Burris was in a big hurry to turn in a term paper. He wheeled into the parking lot, dodged his way through several parked cars and almost ran over one person. He was then arrested. What we forgot to mention is that, instead of turning into the community college parking lot, he turned into the local police department parking lot. Those cars he almost hit were police cruisers. And the person he almost ran over was a police sergeant. He’s been charged with drunk driving. No word on what grade he got on his term paper.

Bozo criminal for today comes from New York City, where bozo Jose Lopez shoplifted a pendant and a large ring from a jewelry booth at Bryant Park. Our bozo must have really liked the items, because he was wearing both pieces when he stopped by the booth again the very next day. The clerk recognized the hot merchandise and alerted security who arrested our fashionable bozo as he made his way to a nearby restaurant.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Justin, Texas, where bozo Rusty Travis had just been set free on criminal trespass charges. It just so happened that he was walking by a police patrol car at the exact instant the officer used his keyless remote to unlock the doors. Noticing that the keys were in the ignition of the cruiser, he did what any fun loving bozo would do. He jumped in, right in front of the officer, and took off on a joy ride. Not the best idea. He’s back under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Roanoke, Virginia, where bozo Mitchell Warner broke into a uniform and linen business. He did a little damage while inside and left without taking much of anything of value. Unfortunately, he left something very valuable behind. He had used his drivers license to jimmy the lock open and somehow the license got stuck in the door jam. He left it behind when he left. The cops found it and used it to quickly find and arrest our bozo.

Bozo criminals for today come from Shirley, New York, where our bozos held up the local Dairy Barn just before lunchtime and escaped on foot. Officers quickly arrived and began looking for them. They soon spotted a pair that matched the description and one of them had something else that convinced the cops they had the right guys. He was walking down the street with cash sticking out of his pockets. Busted!

Bozo Criminal for today comes from the International File in Warsaw, Poland. Our unidentified bozo was without a watch and the clock in his car wasn’t working, and he really needed to know the time. So, he did what seemed to be the logical thing. He stopped and asked a police officer what time it was. One big problem. He was obviously intoxicated and the officer immediately told him he was under arrest for drunk driving. Our bozo tried to speed off but unfortunately the first turn he made was directly into the police impound lot, where the automatic gate closed behind him, locking him inside. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Apple Valley, Minnesota, where bozo Edward Hall called the cops to report a burglary at his home, but was hesitant to tell them what, if anything, had been stolen. The investigating officer noticed that the bedroom had been ransacked and a locked closet had been broken into. He thought it was a little suspicious that our bozo kept insisting that he couldn’t tell if anything had been stolen from the closet. Then the officer noticed scraps of paper on the closet floor that contained names, dates and weights of drug transactions. Knowing that he was busted, our bozo confessed that what had been stolen, that he didn’t want to talk about, was his marijuana stash. But, he told the officer, he only sold to his friends. He’s been charged with drug dealing.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Russ Fox for sending in today’s report. From Miami, Florida comes the story of a couple of bozo gang bangers who were so confident of their toughness that they posted a video on You Tube bragging about their exploits, showing off their guns and challenging the cops to come after them, if they dared. They dared. Our bozos are under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Ossining, New York, where bozo Blake Land broke into a minimart at around 3:30 AM. A neighbor heard a crashing sound inside the store and called the cops, who arrived and caught our bozo in the act. He made a run for it and tried to hide between several nearby buildings. This might have been a good idea except that the nearby buildings were part of the famous Sing Sing Prison. Oops. A guard nabbed him and he was placed under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report. From Savannah, Georgia comes the story of a bozo from the Junior Division. An unidentified 12-year-old approached a 10-year-old Girl Scout and asked to buy some cookies. She then snatched the scout’s zip top bag, containing $28 in cookie money, and rode away on her bicycle. Her getaway was something less than clean, however, as she had placed her real name and address on the cookie order form she filled out. She now faces juvenile charges of robbery. And that’s the way the cookie crumbles.

Bozo criminal for today gets bonus points for creativity of disguise, but loses points for stupidity, as usual. From York, Pennsylvania, comes the story of bozo Robert Long who slathered drywall compound all over his face to disguise himself when he robbed the local credit union. He got away with over $7000 in cash but his failure to also put drywall compound on his front license plate did him in. Someone noticed the Rusty Wallace NASCAR plate on the front of the getaway car and tipped off the cops as to our bozo’s identity. Police found him at his residence, with smears of drywall compound still on his clothes.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Grand Rapids, Michigan, where bozo Paul Thompson pulled a bozo variation on the old story of shooting yourself in the foot. Our bozo went into a store and grabbed some knives. Store security spotted him and in his attempt to get away he slipped and fell, stabbing himself in the abdomen with one of the knives. Police took him to the hospital to get stitched up before taking him to jail.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in and helping us to "clean up" today’s report. From Raleigh, North Carolina comes the story of bozo Jose Corona who was drunk when he crashed his car into the front yard of a residence. He stepped out of the car and fled the scene. Unfortunately for him, the homeowner’s two big dogs, shall we say, "visit" the front yard often. And when our bozo stepped out, he stepped right into it. Police were able to follow the stinky trail directly to our bozo, where they found his shoes covered in "evidence." He’s been charged with drunk driving.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Pretoria, South Africa, where bozo John Rafferty walked into the police station and filed a complaint that a gang that had accosted him at gunpoint had stolen his cell phone. The detective took down all the pertinent information and, when our bozo had finished giving his statement, he decided to dial the phone number. The phone began ringing inside our bozo’s pocket. Oops. He’s been charged with making a false statement.

Bozo criminals for today from New York City must be big fans of the movie "Weekend at Bernie’s." When our two bozos discovered that a neighbor of theirs had died alone in his apartment, they hatched the Bozo Scheme of the Month. They placed the dead body into an office chair and wheeled it down the sidewalk, with both of them trying to keep the corpse propped up so it wouldn’t flop from side to side. When they arrived at a check-cashing store, they left the body outside and told the clerk inside they wanted to cash his $355 Social Security check. The clerk, who knew the deceased, asked them where the man was and told them they would have to bring him inside to cash the check. While this was going on, a crowd had gathered around the obviously dead body sitting in an office chair on the sidewalk. And in that group, a police detective who was having lunch next door. They’re under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Wigan, England, where bozo Stephan Wall was scheduled to appear in court and, as he was passing through security, pulled a lump of cannabis resin out of his pocket. He told the guard what it was and asked him what he should do with it. The guard told him that, since it was an illegal substance, he would have to leave it outside the court. And, to make it easier to identify later, the guard asked our bozo to please sign a receipt confirming the cannabis was his, which he gladly did. He’s busted.