Author: dave

Bozo criminal for today comes from New York City where at least Bozo Robert Bradley’s heart was in the right place. Our bozo was a guard for an armored car company and he held up another company employee as she was leaving a bank with a cash delivery, getting away with $330,000. He didn’t get very far, however, as he was concerned about his co-worker and sent her a text message after the heist asking if she was OK. Bad idea the cops used that and the six pictures taken by surveillance cameras to identify and arrest our bozo.

Bozo criminal for today comes from our Bozos Never Learn file. From Mukwonago, Wisconsin, comes the story of bozo Paul Carpenter who was running a little low on gas. And, with the cost of fuel these days, he thought rather than buying any, he’d just siphon what he needed from a nearby van. It was late, there wasn’t much light and he couldn’t tell how much gas he had in the container. So, he did what any bozo would do. He used his lighter to check. After being treated for burns, he was arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Inyokern, California, where bozo Donald Drake stole about $8000 in cash from a local restaurant. Police had no leads until he showed up in court to pay a fine…in cash…using those stolen bills. Which wouldn’t have been a problem except that the money he stole had been used as decorations on the restaurant’s wall and there was a tradition where the customers would write the name of the restaurant on the bills before pinning them to the wall. The clerk immediately recognized them and our bozo was placed under arrest.

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, where it looks like the high cost of gasoline is causing everyone, even our bozos, to try to conserve. Two bozos hijacked a security van with $1.3 million inside. So far, so good. It was when they tried to transfer the money into their gas saving compact car that they ran into trouble. There simply wasn’t enough room in there and they had to leave behind almost $800,000. Police recovered the cash and hopefully will arrest our bozos before they buy a bigger car and try again.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Lincoln, Nebraska, comes the story of bozo Wesley Lamar who called the cops to report that someone was trying to break into his apartment. When the police arrived, they discovered the person trying to get in was the manager who said it was supposed to be a vacant apartment. Upon further investigation, the cops discovered that our bozo had somehow managed to change the locks on the place and was staying there rent free. Not surprisingly, they also found him in possession of three pounds of marijuana. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Dave Benoit for sending in today’s report from Boscawen, New Hampshire. Bozo Hollie Carpenter was a wanted woman after walking away from a halfway house. Instead of keeping a low profile, she decided to provide moral support to a friend who was also wanted by the cops. She accompanied her friend to jail when she turned herself in. Good friend…bad idea. The cop behind the desk recognized our bozo and she was also placed under arrest.

Bozo criminals for today once again prove that modern technology and bozos just don’t mix. From Washington, Pennsylvania comes the story of bozos Steven Lange and Michael Norris who were charged with stealing two monkeys from a Wild World of Animals park. Bozo Michael pleaded guilty and was sentenced to two years in jail. Bozo Steven failed to show up for his court date and was considered to be a fugitive. The cops didn’t have any trouble tracking him down, however. They just entered his name on the MySpace website and found all his information, including his phone number and home address. He’s under arrest.

Bozo Criminal for today from the International File in Norf, Germany, proves that sometimes even the best disguise can’t hide everything. Wearing a ski mask, bozo Sandra Morse pulled off a successful bank robbery, getting away with around $24,000 in cash. However, the urge to return to the scene of the crime was just too much for her and only a few weeks later she was back in the same bank branch. Only this time she was quickly identified by a bank employee who called the cops. And since she had worn a ski mask the last time she was in the bank, it wasn’t her face that gave her away. It seems our bozo has an "unusually large backside and powerful thighs." In fact, the employee said he’d never seen anything quite like it and there was no doubt in his mind it was her. The cops found a ski mask and a handgun in her jacket pocket and placed her under arrest.

Bozo criminals for today come from Kansas City, Missouri, where three bozos decided to steal an ATM machine. They somehow managed to load the heavy device onto a trailer that was hitched to their pickup truck, but transporting it was another matter entirely, as the police discovered when they responded to the alarm set off by our bozos. A short distance down the road, they found an overturned pickup truck and trailer and, lying nearby, the still intact ATM machine. It seems in their haste to getaway, they lost control of the truck and its cargo. Cops used the license tag on the truck to track down and arrest our bozos.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bob Hammond for sending in today’s report from Iowa City, Iowa. Bozo Mark Brown was pulled over by the cops for driving with his headlights off. It didn’t take the cops long to determine our bozo was intoxicated and after he failed the Breathalyzer test, he was loaded into the squad car. And that’s when he made the officer an offer that landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame. He told the cop that if he would let him go, he would get him a couple of free sandwiches. Maybe he should have offered donuts. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Wichita, Kansas, where bozo Thomas Hall was carrying a gun in his pocket when it discharged, shooting him in the leg. Then, when he tried to take it out, it went off again, hitting him in the leg a second time. He went to the hospital where he was immediately taken into surgery. When the hospital released him the cops placed him under arrest. It seems he is a convicted felon and is prohibited by law from carrying a firearm. Guess you could say he shot himself in the foot as well as in the leg.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Boston, Massachusetts, where bozo Anthony Perry had a dispute with a neighbor who he claimed owed him money. It was his rather unusual approach to gaining restitution that insured his place in the Bozo Hall of Fame. He went to his neighbor’s house, grabbed the man’s goat, and rode away on his bicycle while holding the goat. Needless to say, this attracted the attention of the cops who pulled him and the goat over and charged him with larceny.

Bozo criminal for today forgot Bozo Rule Number 88765: The old saying, "If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again" doesn’t apply in the bozo world. From Hampton, Virginia comes the story of bozo Eric Moore who had stolen a Honda Accord from a dealership back in August. The cops recovered the car and a surveillance photo of our bozo was posted at the dealership. The car had only been on the lot for one day when one of the employees noticed a very familiar face nosing around the Honda. Yep, it was our bozo who returned to the scene of the crime, apparently planning to steal the car again. All he succeeded in doing this time was getting himself arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Copenhagen, Denmark, where our unidentified bozo was on trial for bank robbery when he escaped during a lunch recess. After escaping, he went into hiding, right? Wrong. Maybe he adopted a new look and identity? Nah. Fled the country? Nope. Went back to his old employer and asked for his job back? Yep, that’s what he did. He didn’t get his job back but he is back under arrest.

Bozo criminals for today come from Salina, Kansas, where police officers conducted a raid at a local trailer park, serving a warrant for suspected possession of illegal drugs to the resident at lot number 18. As the police announced their presence at the trailer on lot 18, the folks in the neighboring trailer, lot 17, apparently thought it was their house that was being raided and they started throwing packets of drugs and paraphernalia out the back door in plain view of one of the officers. Turns out the occupants of the trailer on lot 18 weren’t at home, so the cops just moved over one trailer and placed the bozos on lot 17 under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Salt Lake City, Utah, where bozo Ruth Foster isn’t technically a criminal, but the explanation she gave to the cop who pulled her over for speeding certainly landed her in the Bozo Hall of Fame. As the officer was talking to her about why she was driving over the speed limit, he noticed that the woman had a small portable vacuum on the dashboard. When he asked her why, she said her son had told her that she needed to buy a Dustbuster for her car to warn her about speed traps. We think maybe he meant Fuzzbuster…

Bozo criminal for today comes from Albuquerque, New Mexico, where bozo Thomas Harper was pulled over by the cops for driving erratically. That in itself is not news. It was the excuse he gave for his poor driving that sent him directly to the Bozo Hall of Fame. He told the police officer he swerved because his passenger spilled his beer. He’s been charged with drunken driving.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in London, England, where bozo Robert Peterson tried to break into a residence by climbing through a window. As he snaked his way inside, somehow one of his shoelaces got tangled up in the window latch and he soon found himself hanging upside down, halfway inside the house and halfway out. The more he struggled, the more tangled up the shoelace became and the tighter it held the shoe on his foot. And that’s how the hoemowner found him when he returned home. He’s now under arrest.

Bozo criminals for today from Oldsmar, Florida once again prove the adage that bozos and modern technology are a dangerous combination. Police report that three bozos forced a man into their car and ordered him to drive to the residence of someone the man knew and they had a dispute with. On the way there, our number one bozo, the one with the gun, received a text message on his cell phone. Not wanting to let it go unanswered, he laid the gun down on the car seat and began texting. Bad idea. The hostage grabbed the gun, shot him, escaped, and called 911.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Arlington, Texas, where bozo Dexter Whitaker perhaps needs to go back to thief academy. Our bozo passed a note to a teller at a local bank demanding cash. The note was written on the back of one of his personal checks, his first mistake. In spite of this boo-boo, our bozo got away with an undisclosed amount of cash. Well, he didn’t exactly get away. When he got to his car, he discovered he had left the keys inside the bank. And when he tried to go back inside to retrieve them, he discovered the teller had locked the doors. Oops. Police found him hiding in a trash bin about a block from the bank.