Author: dave

Bozo criminal for today comes from Forrest City, Arkansas, where bozo Richard Parks received a $650 fine and four days in jail for driving with a suspended license. Thinking the sentence was a little harsh, our bozo tried to take matters into his own hands. No, he didn’t make an appeal before the judge and jury. Instead, he took a pen and scratched through the "four day jail sentence" part of his paperwork before turning the notice listing his sentence into the clerk’s office. Didn’t work. He’s now had tampering with a public record added to his rap sheet.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Randy Shereda for sending in today’s report. From Leavenworth, Kansas, comes the story of bozo Bill Wilkinson who had big plans for breaking into an ATM machine. He first stole the heavy equipment he needed to do the job, a big skid loader. He then used the machine to pry the ATM loose from the concrete slab it was attached to. Then, in an attempt to break open the ATM, he drove the skid loader to the edge of a 50-foot embankment, intending to drop it over the ledge. Perhaps he should have taken a few more skid loader driving lessons before attempting this job. The ATM, loader and bozo all went plummeting off the embankment, trapping him inside. After a quick trip to the hospital, he was placed under arrest.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from Congers, New York, where bozo Joey Rogers was arrested for bank robbery. Our bozo held up the Provident Savings and Loan Bank with a little help from his girlfriend who worked there and was the teller he robbed. The FBI took the bank employees to police headquarters for questioning and when it was time for her to leave, guess who she called to come pick her up. Our bozo, wearing the same clothes and driving the getaway car. He was immediately recognized by several other bank employees and arrested on the spot.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Raleigh, North Carolina, where bozo Fred Ellis attempted to steal a woman’s car in a grocery store parking lot. Other shoppers noticed what was happening and came to her rescue, including one gentleman who had just purchased his frozen Thanksgiving turkey. And it was a big bird, too. He used said bird to bash our bozo over the head, knocking him to the ground. After being treated for head injuries, he was placed under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Plainfield, Illinois, where bozo burglar Brett Sawyer needs to refer to the standard crook operations manual before he tries another break-in. Our bozo broke through the back door of a residence late the other evening, awakening the homeowner. When she came face to face with him, instead of fleeing, he tried to convince her not to panic, telling her to stay right where she was and remain calm. She ignored him and ran next door to call the cops. This gave him the perfect opportunity to flee, right? Nope. Or perhaps he used the time to ransack the house before making his getaway? No way. Instead, out bozo made himself at home, settling into the La-Z-Boy in the living room. And that’s where the cops found him, sound asleep. They woke him up and took him to jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Kalamazoo, Michigan, where bozo Richard Helms broke into a residence and stole the owner’s purse and a couple of other items. Investigating officers found a beer can inside the house that our bozo had apparently left behind. And since it wasn’t a common brand, they decided to check a nearby convenience store to see if anyone had purchased any of the stuff lately. Sure enough, the clerk remembered the beer and was able to identify our bozo, who the cops found, along with the stolen items, at his apartment nearby. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Barre, Vermont, where bozo Robert Paine was arrested by the cops and charged with theft. While being interrogated at the sheriff’s office, our bozo spotted a picture on the wall that he took a fancy to. And when he thought no one was looking, he snatched it. Bad idea. Someone was looking and now he has another theft charge added to his rap sheet.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Bishopville, South Carolina, comes the story of bozo Johnny Larson who walked into a convenience store, pulled a knife and demanded money and cigarettes. He took his loot, jumped into the car, and attempted his getaway. We say attempted because he didn’t get very far before his car broke down. He then called a cab and asked to be taken to a nearby town. Since the cabbie didn’t know how to get there, he decided to stop and ask for directions. And he stopped at the very convenience store our bozo had robbed, just as the police were arriving to investigate. Someone inside recognized him and our bozo was placed under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lawrence, Massachusetts, where we have our first ever report of a Bozo Carnapping. Bozo Jesse Marcus stole a 2000 Pontiac Grand Am and then told the owner he had his car and would return it to him for $250. The owner called the cops who advised him to meet our bozo at the appointed time at a local convenience store. Sure enough, our bozo drove up in the stolen car and was promptly placed under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 22256: It’s usually better to eat before, rather than during your crime. From Lynchberg, Virginia, comes the story of bozo Bernard Wilson who broke into a residence and stole jewelry, tools, and several appliances. During the course of the break-in he also worked up quite an appetite, which led to his unfortunate decision to raid the refrigerator in the middle of his heist. He enjoyed some fried chicken and a bottle of orange juice before gathering up his loot and fleeing. He might have gotten away with the whole thing except for that chicken. Police were able to identify and track him down from the greasy fingerprints he left behind.

Bozo Criminal for today comes from York, Pennsylvania, where bozo Joseph Green entered the local bank early one morning and announced that this was a robbery. Since they had just opened, the teller’s cash drawers had not yet been filled and, as he went from one teller to another, all he found was empty drawers. Frustrated, he stormed out of the building and shouted back to the employees that he was going to file a complaint with bank management about the lack of cash and poor customer service. He won’t get a chance to do that. A drive-thru customer noticed something strange going on inside and called the cops who arrested our bozo a few blocks away.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Johnson City, Tennessee, where bozo David Ferguson approached a student at East Tennessee State University, told her he had a gun and demanded she turn over the keys to her car. When she did, he placed the dog he had been carrying on the ground, jumped into the car and drove off. Unfortunately for him, the dog he left behind was a friendly little fellow who was more than happy to let the cops pick him up and check out his collar, which contained not only the dog’s name, but also the phone number of our bozo’s father. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Portsmouth, New Hampshire, where the cops had set up a license and registration and sobriety checkpoint. Bozo Charles Morgan drove up to the checkpoint, handed his identification to the officer and then peeled out, almost running over another officer in the process. His getaway plan didn’t work too well, however. With his name and address in hand, the cops had no trouble tracking him down and charging him with reckless driving and possession of marijuana.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Spokane Valley, Washington, comes the story of bozo Mike Haines who tried to break into a liquor store using a rock. When he couldn’t shatter the glass, he went to a nearby hardware store and purchased a hammer for $10.99. He then went back to the liquor store, broke the window with the hammer and stole an $8.99 bottle of wine. He’d already lost money on the deal before he was nabbed by the cops and charged with burglary.

Bozo Criminal for today comes from Mount Lebanon, Pennsylvania, where bozo Nick Lucas mugged an elderly woman, snatching her purse. During the scuffle, our bozo dropped his cell phone, which police found at the scene of the crime. And on that cell phone was a text message he had sent to one of his friends just before the crime. The message said, "I’m ready to grab some old lady’s purse." He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Davenport, Iowa, where bozo Philip West contacted the cops to complain that he had been ripped off. When detectives arrived at his residence to investigate the report, they were surprised to find out the exact nature of his complaint. He told the cops that he had given two men $10 for a baggie of "grass". His complaint was that the baggie contained real grass and not marijuana as he had expected. He demanded that they be arrested. Instead, the cops placed him under arrest for conspiracy in the attempted purchase of an illegal substance.

Bozo criminal for today comes form Boston, Massachusetts, where bozo Robert Alexander spent several months in jail on robbery charges. It was after he got out that he did something that landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame. He filed a lawsuit seeking $4000 a month in compensation for each month he was jailed. He claimed that being locked up prevented him from being gainfully employed. And since he was a career criminal, he must have been suing for those burglaries he was unable to commit while in jail. The judge denied his claim.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Bialystokland, Poland, where bozo Darius Kowalski had been out drinking with friends. At the end of the night, he was not sure if he was over the limit or not. And since he couldn’t find a policeman nearby, he did what seemed to him to be the logical thing. He drove to the police station, went inside and asked for a breath test. Unfortunately for him, he flunked. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Adelaide, Australia, comes the story of an unidentified 16 year old bozo who broke a window and forced his way into a building. He had only just stepped inside when he found himself surrounded by police officers. Yep, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, he had broken into the back entrance of the local police station. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from San Anselmo, California, where bozo Ron Kirkpatrick was due in court on auto theft charges. He made a number of mistakes this day. First, he brought his Yorkshire Terriers along with him and left them in the SUV while he was in court. This attracted the attention of several bystanders who, fearing for the dogs’ safety, contacted the cops. When they ran a check on the Lexus SUV’s license plate, they discovered it was stolen. Yep, our bozo, on trial for car theft, had driven a stolen car to court. You can add animal cruelty and another auto theft charge to his rap sheet. And that case he was on trial for…he was convicted of that, too.