Bozo criminals for today come from Cartersville, Alabama, where a father and son bozo team burglarized a house. They rummaged around for awhile and left with car keys, medication, about $200 in cash and $100 in jewelry. Well, at least dad left. His 19-year-old son, frightened when the homeowner awoke, hid under a bed, where he promptly fell asleep. He was discovered, still sleeping soundly, a short time later and placed under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Little Rock, Arkansas, where bozo Robert Perkins broke into a residence and tried to rob the homeowner at gunpoint but fled when the man told him he had no cash. One small problem…in his haste to get away, our bozo left his wallet behind. He called the man a short time later, identified himself, explained what had happened, and asked the man to please drop the wallet off at a nearby service station. Unfortunately, the police were there at the time, interviewing the victim. They met him at the service station and placed him under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Bremen, Germany, where our unidentified bozo was kicked off a train for not having a ticket. To show his displeasure, our bozo dropped his pants and attempted to moon all the passengers as the train passed by. Unfortunately, he positioned himself a little too close to the tracks and the moving train snagged his trousers and drug him and his bare backside along the tracks for about 200 yards. Somehow, our bozo managed to keep himself from falling under the wheels and suffered only minor cuts and bruises. He’s under arrest.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Justin Jackson for sending in today’s report. From South Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, comes the story of bozo Matt Mitchell who was ejected from a Phillies game for "unruly behavior." Instead of leaving the park, however, he headed for the stadium office where he filled out a job application. As he started to leave, he grabbed a manila envelope off the reception desk. He must have thought he hit the jackpot, as the envelope contained three World Series rings that were to be given to Phillies employees. He didn’t get to enjoy them very long, however. Cops simply went to the address on his job application and placed him under arrest.
We’re not exactly sure who should qualify as the bozo for today, the truck driver, the cop who wrote him the ticket or the Canadian lawmakers who came up with the idea in the first place. From Toronto, Canada, comes the story of an unidentified truck driver who was pulled over after an officer noticed him smoking a cigarette in his truck. Citing a new law that prohibits smoking in the workplace, the officer wrote him up, claiming that his truck was his office. The trucker paid the $290 ticket but plans to appeal.
Bozo criminal for today from New York City made a couple of basic mistakes. First, he robbed a church, twice, getting away with $20,000 in food, supplies and computers. Police were able to get a DNA match from the crime scene, and wanted posters were put up at the church. Guess our bozo wasn’t aware of that when he made his second mistake. He returned to the church and was first in line for a food giveaway last Saturday. Church workers immediately recognized our bozo from the wanted posters, and he was placed under arrest.
Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Swansea, Wales, where two bozos picked out a couple of ladies that they thought would be easy targets for a mugging. We don’t know if our bozos’ vision was blurred by the excessive amount of alcohol they had consumed or if the ladies’ costumes were just really good…either way the bozos didn’t notice that the ladies were, ahem, men. Big burly men. Professional cage fighters that were dressed in costume for a stag party. A couple of punches from the "ladies" quickly ended our bozos’ attempted mugging.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Elmwood, Ohio, where bozo Robert Presswood broke into an office by kicking down the door. He then rummaged around, taking several items worth about $1000 before wiping his fingerprints off the doorknob and leaving. So far, so good, right? Well, not exactly. The office he had broken into was the office of the Chief of Police inside the city police station. Video cameras caught his every move and he was quickly placed under arrest.
There have been numerous stories in the news recently about the lack of effort many schools now put into teaching their students proper penmanship. It would seem that trend has now trickled down to our bozos. From Hillsboro, Oregon, comes the story of bozo Stephanie Matthews who walked into a bank and handed the teller a note apparently demanding cash. We say apparently, because our bozos handwriting was so poor the clerk couldn’t read it. When she handed the note back to her, our bozo then went to a nearby counter to rewrite the note. While she was working on it, the clerk hit a silent alarm, the cops were summoned and our bozo was placed under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from The Woodlands, Texas, where bozo Arthur Sorrels was going door to door looking for work and passing out his business cards. For reasons known only to the bozo mind, at one of the houses, after he had handed the homeowner a card, he forced his way inside and threatened the woman. She screamed and struggled, frightening off our bozo. The police had no trouble tracking him down, however…they just had to call the number on our bozo’s business card. He’s under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Middletown, New York, where bozo Antonio Correa answered the door at his residence. Standing outside was a police officer who was responding to a report of a domestic disturbance at that address. We don’t know whether there was a domestic problem at the house because our bozo caused a much bigger problem for himself when he answered the door…with a marijuana cigarette tucked behind his ear. Inside the officer also found other paraphernalia. He’s busted.
Bozo Criminal for today comes from Framingham, Massachusetts, where bozo Edwin Morse was getting a little behind on his bills. So, he did what any bozo would do…he broke into his estranged wife’s home so he could use her computer to pay his debts. Bad idea. Not only is he now responsible for the more than $250 worth of damage that was done to the home’s door and window, but he’s also been charged with breaking and entering and malicious mischief.
Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 99909: A kid on a tricycle always has the right of way. From Stamford, Connecticut comes the story of bozo in-line skater Chris Kelley who confronted a 4 year-old on a tricycle because the kid was on a bicycle path. When the child’s father came to his son’s defense, our bozo skater threatened the man, skating at him and tossing his helmet and water bottle in his direction. Bad idea. The cops were called and the verdict was issued: The path is for everyone, not just skaters. He’s facing assault charges.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Surgoinsville, Tennessee where several local churches had been burglarized in recent weeks. An officer noticed a suspicious vehicle near a church and pulled over our two teenage bozos, who were later charged with 26 church break-ins. It was when the officer noticed beer in their vehicle that they came up with the Bozo Excuse of the Week. They told him the beer didn’t belong to them. They went on to say that they had found the beer along the side of the road and were going to pour it out. Excuse denied.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Duluth, Minnesota, where an unidentified bozo burst into a convenience store, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk handed over a small amount of money and then our bozo ordered her to turn over the lottery tickets that he saw in a bag behind the register. The clerk complied and our bozo fled. Unfortunately for him, the bag of lottery tickets he asked for were old ones that had been discarded because they weren’t winners. Oops. Police are looking for him.
Once again this morning we take a break from our usual litany of bozo criminals and check a little bozo activity going on with our friends on the right side of the law. From San Joaquin County, California, comes the story of the sheriff’s department and their plans to purchase a half a million-dollar vehicle to coordinate emergency responses in natural disasters and in pursuit of criminals. The big rig was purchased and custom built in Ohio and driven to California where it was to be put into service. Only one problem…apparently no one in the sheriff’s department bothered to check California highway department statutes that prohibit such a heavy vehicle being driven on state roadways. Oops. Cost estimate to make it street legal in California: $19,000.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Belleville, Illinois, where bozo Donald Autry was rummaging around in a garage when the homeowner surprised him. He fled the scene, taking a chainsaw with him. Investigating officers checking the area came upon a hitchhiker…carrying a chainsaw. (Anyone who would pick up a hitchhiker carrying a chain saw is a bozo of a whole other sort.) Our bozo surrendered to the officers and asked if they were going to take him home. They did. To his new home in the county jail.
Bozo criminal for today proves Bozo Rule Number 832226: Forgive and forget doesn’t apply in the Bozo World. From Boston, Massachusetts, comes the story of bozo Juan Carrera who got into an argument with an employee at a gas station and threatened him with a knife. Our bozo fled the scene but returned twenty minutes later to apologize. The employee was in no mood for reconciliation and called the cops when he saw him pull up. He was arrested and charged with assault.
We have no criminals in today’s report, but there are at least a couple of bozos. In Montrose, Michigan, a school lunch lady noticed a couple of men putting on ski masks prior to entering the school. Fearing the worst, she reported what she saw to authorities and the school was sent into lockdown, with 180 students evacuated into the gym. Upon further investigation, it was discovered the masked marauders were actually the city police chief and one of his deputies who were at the school to take part in a mock robbery for the school’s forensic science class. The chief says from now on, he’ll change into his thief outfit after he’s inside the school.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Richmond, Indiana, where bozo Michael Lawson wanted to get a permit to carry a handgun. So he went down to the police station to fill out the application. While he was working on the paperwork, one of the officers noticed a familiar odor wafting from our bozo. The scent of marijuana. The officer patted him down and discovered the weed. He also discovered he had brought along something else…a concealed handgun. Oops. He’s been charged with drug possession and carrying a handgun without a license. The officer was kind enough to refund the $50 application fee for the handgun before placing him under arrest.