Author: dave

Bozo criminal for today comes from Elizabethton, Tennessee, where someone called the cops after seeing bozo Velma Norris slumped over the wheel of her car in a grocery store parking lot. Before the police could arrive, our bozo left and pulled into a space at the Sonic Drive-In next door, where she again slumped forward over the steering wheel. When an officer arrived and walked up to the vehicle, our bozo woke up and tried to give the officer $20 for the meal she thought she had just ordered at Sonic. After repeatedly trying to convince her she was not a Sonic waitress, the officer finally gave up and placed our bozo under arrest for DUI.

A couple of sure signs the holidays aren’t far off: Decorations are up in the stores, and we have our first report of a bozo stuck in a chimney. From Topeka, Kansas, comes the story of bozo Jose Rios who attempted to burglarize a tobacco shop by entering Santa-style through the chimney. He quickly learned it’s not as easy as Santa makes it look when he became stuck. After about four hours he was able to maneuver himself into a position where he could reach his cell phone, which he used to call his daughter, who notified the police. Cops first rescued, and then arrested him.

Bozo criminal for today comes from our hometown of Tyler, Texas, where police officers responded to a 911 call where the person on the other end of the line said he had just committed a murder. When the officers arrived on what they thought would be the crime scene, they found only our bozo, a little scratched up but otherwise OK. He told them that he had been assaulted earlier in the day and decided to make up the murder story in order to get them to respond faster. Bad idea. He’s been arrested and charged with making a false report.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Louisville, Kentucky, where bozo Craig Dixon was under house arrest for a parole violation. Officers checking on him discovered a tube of aluminum foil burnt on one end and a teaspoon with burns and possible drug residue. It was when he was confronted with this evidence that our bozo came up with the Bozo Excuse of the Month. He told the cops that Jesus Christ was the owner of the items and that, in his opinion, He was trying to set him up for the crime. Our bozo has been charged with drug possession. Police say Jesus is not expected to be called to testify.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Swansea, Wales, where the cops were looking for bozo Matthew Morton, who was wanted on burglary charges. The local newspaper helped out by running a photo of him. It seems it was not a particularly flattering shot, so unflattering, in fact, that it prompted our bozo to send the paper a better shot of himself, this one taken standing in front of a police vehicle. Probably not the best idea. The cops say it was such a good photo that now everyone in town will know what he looks like. They expect to make an arrest shortly.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 0098767: After committing a crime, it’s usually a good idea to keep a low profile. From St. Paul, Minnesota, comes the story of bozo Frazier Tucker who robbed a bank, getting away with about $600. Instead of heading home, he headed straight to a golf course about a mile away. Officers noticed a van matching the getaway vehicle’s description in the golf course parking lot and when they found our bozo, they discovered the loot inside a zippered pocket in his golf bag. He’s under arrest.

Halloween falling on a Saturday this year obviously gave our bozos a reason to celebrate and here’s another example. From Decatur, Alabama, comes the story of bozo Robert Payne who was pulled over by the cops on Halloween night after they noticed him driving erratically. He stumbled out of the driver’s seat and shouted to the officer "I just stole this truck." A quick check of records proved he wasn’t kidding. He’s been charged with theft and DUI.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Simi Valley, California where our unidentified bozo installed a small video camera in the restroom of the Christian book store where he worked. He was arrested after one of the customers spotted the camera and informed her husband who called the cops. The police might not have been able to prove who installed the camera except for one small thing. Our bozo had the recorder going when he positioned it in the stall. Yep, he basically busted himself.

Another example of someone having too much fun on Halloween this morning. Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in this one from Oxford, Ohio. Bozo James Moss was pulled over by the cops on suspicion of drunken driving. And while he was indeed intoxicated, it was his Halloween costume that landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame. He was dressed as…a Breathalyzer. He failed his own test.

Bozo criminals for today come from Scituate, Rhode Island, where a couple of bozos apparently celebrated Halloween a little early by egging a couple of houses. Investigating officers noticed our bozos had left behind four egg cartons at the scene of the crime. They then contacted the egg producers and, using the UPC codes on the cartons, were able to pinpoint the exact store that had sold the eggs. Then, checking the store’s computers, they were able to determine the approximate time the eggs had been purchased. Surveillance videos were then checked, and, wouldn’t you know it, the face of one of our eggers was caught on camera. The photos were then circulated around the local high school and our bozos were recognized and charged with vandalism.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bob Hammond for sending in today’s report. From Portland, Oregon, comes the story of bozo Michael Coates who at least gets credit for being truthful. Our bozo was playing video poker when he reached into the purse of the woman seated next to him and snatched her wallet. After a brief scuffle, he ran out the door where he was quickly apprehended by the cops. It was the reason he gave for committing the crime that landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame. He told the police that he did the deed out of "stupidity." No argument there.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 57474: Make sure your disguise is removable. From Carroll, Iowa, comes the story of two unidentified bozos who attempted to break into an apartment before being frightened off by the manager. In describing them to the cops, the manager said that had a dark substance applied to their faces. A short time later, the cops pulled over a car matching the description of the getaway vehicle and inside were our two bozos, with their faces still painted black. And why hadn’t they removed their "disguises"? Because they had used permanent markers to darken their faces. Oops. They’re under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada where our bozo made a number of mistakes. First, it’s probably not the best idea to go for a drive while wearing a clown suit. And it’s certainly a bad idea to drive on the wrong side of the road. And finally, it’s definitely bad when you crash into another vehicle. And that’s just what happened to bozo Richard Parker. One more thing, that vehicle he crashed into? It was a police cruiser, with its emergency lights turned on in an effort to warn our bozo he was going the wrong way. He wasn’t injured in the crash, but he was charged with DUI.

Bozo criminals for today come from Paterson, New Jersey, where three bozos broke into a residence and demanded money from the homeowner. They quickly discovered they had broken into the wrong house when the homeowner fought back, stabbing one of our bozos with a pair of scissors. Seeing the error of their ways, our bozos fled with only a piggy bank containing $2 in change. But it was what they left behind that would cause them problems. Their car keys. Police found the keys and used the car’s alarm to locate the vehicle in a nearby parking lot. The information on the registration led them to one bozo’s home, where they found our three bozos sitting in a taxi in front of the house. They’re under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Randy Shereda for sending in today’s report from Las Vegas, Nevada. A deputy city marshal was investigating a report of an injured man in downtown Las Vegas when he noticed his squad car was missing. He was checking the alley to see if someone had moved it when he noticed a police car approaching with its emergency lights on. And behind the wheel of the vehicle was none other than our bozo, who had taken the marshal’s car for a spin and then returned to the scene of the crime. It was what he asked the officer when he arrived that placed him into the Bozo Hall of Fame. He said, "I’m here. Do you need back-up?" The officer needed no help in placing him under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 84844: To be a successful bozo, you’ve gotta be able to multitask. From Monroe County, Pennsylvania comes the story of an unidentified bozo, armed with a handgun, who burst into the local McDonalds and demanded cash. The manager emptied the safe and handed the money to our bozo, who then placed the gun on the counter so he could count his cash. Bad idea. The manager grabbed the weapon and hit our bozo over the head with it. He made a hasty exit, leaving the money behind.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Richard Boyle for sending in today’s story. From Cleveland, Ohio, comes the story of bozo Donald Grier who was upset that his new iPhone was not working. He was so mad that he stormed into the local Apple store, placed his iPhone on the counter and began shouting at employees. But he didn’t stop there. He then pulled out a gun and threatened to shoot the phone, to put both it and himself out of their misery. Employees were able to keep him distracted for a few minutes until the police arrived. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 112354: It’s best not to stop off for a quick bit of thievery when you’re on the way to the police station. From the International File in Berlin, Germany, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who was due at the police station to be questioned about a recent robbery. As he was heading in, he made a quick stop and held up a supermarket. As luck would have it, he was at the station house when the officers who had been called to the supermarket robbery returned, with a detailed description of the thief. They noticed our bozo in the reception area, recognized him and placed him under arrest.

One thing is for sure, our bozo for today won’t be appearing on Top Chef anytime soon. From Boca Raton, Florida, comes the story of bozo chef Mark Correa who was a little stressed out during the lunchtime rush the other day when customers kept ordering the Caprese salad, a popular item made of fresh mozzarella and tomatoes topped with olive oil and basil. So, he did what any chef would do, he told the servers the item was sold out, right? Wrong. Instead, he took the bozo approach. He reached into his chef’s jacket, pulled out a handgun and told the waitress, "I swear to God, I’ll shoot you in the forehead if you bring me one more order of that salad." The police didn’t think he was kidding. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lebanon, Pennsylvania, where bozo Cesar Gomez walked out of a convenience store restroom intently examining the band of his ball cap, which he held in his hand. A police officer who happened to be in the store at the time walked up to our bozo, removed something from his forehead and said, "Is this what you’re looking for?" It seems our bozo had hidden a baggie of marijuana in the band of his cap and when he had removed the cap, the baggie of pot had stuck to his forehead. Oops. He’s under arrest.