Bozo criminal for today comes from our Bad Santa File. From Sparta, Wisconsin, comes the story of one of Santa’s helpers who shall remain unidentified. Our bozo pulled up to a playground and stumbled out of his car, in his full Santa outfit. After hugging several of the children, he asked them if they knew where he could find his reindeer. Police were called and "Santa" was arrested for public intoxication.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Cape Girardeau, Missouri, where the cops were called to a Sonic Drive-In after receiving reports of someone on the premises after hours. When they arrived, they found bozo Dennie Boyles, a shift manager at the restaurant, in the kitchen. This in itself might not have been a problem, but what he was cooking certainly was. Our bozo was preparing a batch of methamphetamine in the kitchen. Guess he took the restaurant’s slogan, "Service with the Speed of Sound" a little too literally. He’s under arrest.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Dave Benoit for sending in today’s report from Milford, Massachusetts. Police were called to the home of 21 year-old Scott Brown after his parents reported he was causing a disturbance. After talking to our bozo, the officers decided to send him in for a psychiatric evaluation. Only one problem, he wasn’t wearing shoes. So, he asked one of the officers to please get his sneakers from his closet. When he went to the closet, the officer found a lot more than sneakers. Inside, 37 marijuana plants valued at $50,000. Oops. He’s busted!
Bozo criminal for today comes from our Naughty, not Nice file in Portage, Indiana. Police officers on patrol around 1 am pulled up to a Christmas tree lot after hearing motor noise coming from the area. They spotted our bozo, riding his bicycle equipped with a small homemade motor and no lights. That in itself isn’t a crime. What caused the problem was what they saw balanced on the handlebars of the bike. A large Christmas tree. He told the cops he had bought the tree at the lot. When they told him the lot was closed for the night, he said he had bought it at the bar down the street. And that’s when the officers noticed the price tag was still on the tree. He’s busted.
Bozo criminal for today violated seldom used Bozo Rule Number 99875: Family resemblance will only get you so far. From Franklin, New Jersey, comes the story of bozo Thomas Morris who put on his mother’s pink blouse, black coat and neck scarf, applied a liberal amount of makeup and lipstick and headed down to the local bank. He pulled up at the drive-thru window and, speaking in a high pitched voice, tried to withdraw money from his mother’s account. He even handed over his mother’s drivers license in an attempt to prove his identity. Apparently his disguise wasn’t as good as he had hoped, as suspicious tellers called the cops. He was still waiting, and still wearing his outfit, when the police arrived.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bob Hammond for sending in today’s report. While we can’t call her a criminal, there’s not doubt 13-year-old Stacey Wheeler qualifies as a bozo. And at this holiday season we feel an obligation to present this story as a public service. It’s been very cold in Spokane Valley, Washington recently. And on one particularly cold morning, our bozo felt the need to put an old urban legend to the test. She touched her tongue to a metal flagpole. And, yes, Virginia, it stuck. And when she couldn’t get it unstuck, her friend called 911. The fire department came by and poured warm water on the pole, freeing the frozen tongue. They sent her home, and hopefully also cautioned her to be careful with BB guns.
Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 009843: It’s a good idea to check the hours of operation before attempting a robbery. From Tallmadge Township, Michigan comes the story of bozo Charles Hampton who tried to break into a towing and auto repair shop around 8 o’clock Friday evening. It is important to note that Tallmadge Township has received a significant amount of snow in recent days and the towing service crew has been rather busy. So busy, in fact, that a number of employees were still in the building when our bozo attempted his break-in. Oops. Employees chased our bozo down and held him until the cops arrived…and then returned to work.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, where bozo Reggie Barker snatched a woman’s purse, getting away with cash and a number of personal items. Among those items was the lady’s cell phone, which our bozo later used to take a picture of himself holding a large handgun pointed toward his head. He probably was just fooling around and didn’t realize the phone was set up to automatically send any pictures taken with it to the woman’s home computer. Oops. Police used the self-made mug shot to ID and arrest our bozo.
Today we have our first "naughty and nice" story of the holiday season. From Morrow, Georgia, comes the story of 45-year-old William Carpenter who dressed himself in an elf suit and got in line to see Santa Claus at the local mall. Perhaps wanting to make sure Santa took his Christmas wish list seriously, he told the jolly old man that he was carrying dynamite in his bag. Fortunately, Santa now carries a cell phone, which he used to call the cops. No dynamite was found. Our elf is under arrest.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bob Hammond for sending in today’s report which proves that being a bozo does not prevent you from having discriminating taste. From Troutdale, Oregon, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who walked up to the pharmacy of an Albertson’s store, threatened the pharmacist with a gun and demanded 80mg tablets of Oxycontin. The pharmacist handed over $1100 worth of the generic version of the drug, oxycodone. Our bozo took one look at the generic and handed it back, saying he only wanted the real thing. Obviously deciding that the store did not come up to his standards, he walked out empty handed.
Bozo criminal for today forgot a basic non-Bozo rule: Size does matter. From New York City, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who came up to a woman at a stop light, flashed a knife, and demanded that she get out of her car. When she got out, our would-be carjacker took one look inside her compact Volkswagen and thought better of his crime. Deciding there was no way his six-foot plus frame would fit in the small car, he simply turned and ran away. Police are investigating.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Jim Richards for sending in today’s report. From Knoxville, Tennessee, comes the story of bozo Vincent Sims who stole several shoes from the local "Shoe Show" store. And it was his footwear, or lack of it, that got him arrested. Store employees noticed our bozo wandering around the parking lot, barefoot, carrying the shoes in his hands and in his pockets. It seems our bozo didn’t realize that the store’s display shoes are all right-footed ones, with the left ones kept in the back of the store. Shoes, shoes everywhere and none to wear! He’s busted.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from the International File in Muelheim an der Ruhr, Germany, where our bozo was having a bad day. First, he tried to rob a hotel only to be chased away by security guards. He then tried to rob a second hotel and again was sent fleeing by guards. He then attempted to break into the local tax office, but gave up when he couldn’t force the door open. Next, he spotted an armored car from a local bank, which he rammed with his vehicle. Unfortunately, the accident did more damage than he anticipated and he found himself trapped in his own car. When the police arrived, he simply turned himself in.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Pete Carran for sending in today’s report from Juneau, Alaska, where bozo Timothy Morton went to the Alaska State Trooper’s office to obtain a copy of his criminal background. An officer gave him the information and then watched as our bozo got into his car and started to drive away. He didn’t get out of the parking lot, however. While getting his records, the officer noticed our bozo had a suspended drivers license. Oops. He was also charged with not having insurance.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Brownsville, Texas, where bozo Anthony Cavazos may have been trying to pick up a little extra money for Christmas. It was what he was selling that was the problem. Marijuana. And how he was selling it. Door-to-door. His little money raising endeavor came to an end when he knocked on the door of an off-duty police officer. Oops. He’s under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today may have gotten into the holiday spirits a little too early. Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Dave Benoit for sending in today’s report from Boston, Massachusetts. Police were called to a residence on a report of an assault. The woman there told the cops that her boyfriend was upset with her for talking with her mother on the phone for too long. So, he did what any bozo would do this time of the year. He threw a frozen turkey at her. Police found the bird in question on the front porch with apparent damage to the packaging. She was treated for minor injuries and released. He’s under arrest. No word on the condition of the turkey.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Redding, California, where police were searching for a man wearing khaki pants and a San Francisco 49ers sweatshirt in connection with an armed robbery. Bozo Russell Sorrels was listening to the report on his police scanner and decided it might be fun to dress up like the fugitive and see if anyone would notice him. Bad idea. Police spotted him walking around the neighborhood and placed him under arrest. After determining that he was not the fugitive, they simply changed the charges against him…to obstructing and delaying a police officer. Busted!
Bozo criminal for today comes from Seattle, Washington, where police were called to a report of an assault. When they arrived, they heard a man screaming for help. What they found surprised even the cops. A man dressed in black, impaled on a 5-foot tall fence. It was after the officers carefully removed him that he gave them the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told them he was a ninja and had misjudged his jump when trying to clear the fence. Officers believe "alcohol played a role" in the incident.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report from Ambridge, Pennsylvania. An unidentified bozo and his girlfriend were trying to steal valuable copper pipes from inside a vacant apartment building. Unfortunately for them, they failed to check to see if the water had been turned off in the building before trying to cut into the pipes. Police responding to an alarm found a water pipe spewing water and our two soaked bozos standing in the alley behind the building. Busted!
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Don Reese for sending in today’s report from Tampa, Florida. Bozo Joshua Brown called 911 early Wednesday morning. Perhaps he had seen a crime in progress? Nope. Maybe he had been injured in an accident? Uh, no. Maybe he needed to report some sort of an emergency? Well, maybe. He asked the operator what she was wearing and then followed up by asking her if she had a nice behind. And after a bit of heavy breathing, he asked if she’d come over and pay him a little visit. Since she was busy, she sent some police officers to visit him. Probably wasn’t the type of visit he was hoping for. He’s under arrest.