Author: dave

Bozo criminal for today learned the hard way something most of us already know: Don’t tell your hairdresser something you don’t want the whole world to know. From Salem, Oregon, comes the story of bozo William Brown who went into an old building to smoke some marijuana and then set fire to the place, burning it to the ground. Police had no leads until our bozo bragged to his hairdresser that he had set the blaze. The hairdresser called the cops and our bozo was placed under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 00989: Sometimes it’s best to just keep quiet. From Sandy, Utah, comes the story of Bozo Justin Howard who was caught in the act of burglarizing a home by the owner. He was loading items into his car when the man spotted him, and asked, "What are you doing?" It was then our bozo gave the truthful answer, "I’m burglarizing your home." The resident got the car’s license plate number, dialed 911 and old Honest Abe was placed under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today was foiled by a dangerous combination…M&Ms and porn. Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report from Hamilton, Montana. Bozo Stephan Cooley broke into the offices of the local newspaper and made himself at home, browsing porn on the newspaper’s computers and enjoying a big bag of M&Ms he found in one of the desk drawers. He also found time to shoot off a fire extinguisher and log on to his MySpace and Facebook pages before heading back to his sister’s apartment, which is right next door to the newspaper. And to make it even easier for the cops, he took the M&Ms with him when he left, leaving a convenient trail for the cops right up to her front door. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today should have perhaps consulted the Bozo Training Manual before attempting his crime. From Trenton, New Jersey, comes the story of bozo Anthony West whose first mistake was selecting the police headquarters to rob. He did succeed in getting past an unmanned security camera and grabbed a police radio, a computer monitor and an attache case before fleeing. His second mistake was his choice of places to try to sell his stolen loot. The neighborhood Taco Bell. Yep, he walked through the drive thru lane hawking his goods. A suspicious customer grabbed the radio, noticed it was police property and called the cops. He’s busted!

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who pointed out this one to us. From Ocoee, Florida, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who broke into a number of cars stealing anything of value he found inside. His luck ran out when he stumbled upon an unmarked police vehicle. He grabbed a Taser, a baton, two pair of handcuffs, a magazine for a police pistol and several other items. His problems began when he decided to play with his loot. First, he accidentally discharged the Taser, shocking himself. Then, while fiddling with the handcuffs, he locked them on himself. He was arrested when he called the cops to ask for assistance in removing the cuffs.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bruce Bain for sending in today’s report. From Clay City, Kentucky comes the story of bozo Robert Anders who robbed a convenience store, getting away with 17 cartons of cigarettes. In an effort to catch the crook, the store posted a reward for information leading to his arrest. Guess the cash reward was just too much for our bozo to resist. He returned to the store with a carton of the stolen cigarettes and an article of clothing that was worn by the thief, and asked for his reward. He got a different kind of reward than the one he was expecting. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today learned the hard way that some time honored old pranks may no longer be acceptable. From Greeley, Colorado, comes the story of bozo Andrew Duncan who was partying along with several of his college buddies. When the party got a little too loud, one of the neighbors called the cops to complain. The party broke up, but only so that the guys could plan their revenge. At 4:30 AM someone rang the man’s doorbell and when he answered, he found his newspaper ablaze on the front porch. Thinking they might have something else planned, the man kept an eye on his front yard. Sure enough, a few minutes later he saw our bozo and several of his friends using a flashlight to pick up dog poop and place it in a paper bag. And just as they were about to light the bag and place it on his front porch, the homeowner sprang into action. He tackled our bozo and held him down until the cops arrived. He was booked for investigation of attempted first-degree arson, reckless endangerment, criminal mischief and possession of alcohol by a minor.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Madison, Wisconsin, where bozo William Roberts spotted an ambulance at a ski area and, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, thought it would be a good vehicle to steal. A number of mistakes were made here. First, the emergency medical technicians were in the back treating a patient at the time. And, second, the emergency brake was on when he tried to drive away. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today obviously didn’t follow her mother’s instructions to "speak up." From Memphis, Tennessee, comes the story of an unidentified would-be bank robber who walked into a credit union and said something to the teller. The teller couldn’t understand her because she was mumbling and asked her to repeat her request. She did, but the teller still couldn’t hear her. Our bozo then reached into her purse, pulled out a holdup note, threw it at the teller and ran from the building. A few hours later she showed up at another credit union. Once again, the teller couldn’t understand her and after several repeated mumbling requests, our bozo once again reached into her purse and handed over a note. This time, she also pulled a gun. When the teller turned and walked away, she ran from the building, tripped and fell, dropped her gun and stumbled into her getaway car. Police are looking for her.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report. From Riverton, Wyoming, comes the story of bozo Michael Hennigan who grabbed a bottle of booze and a package of cough drops from the shelves of a local grocery store and quickly ran out without paying. Knowing that store employees might have seen him, he ducked into a nearby building to hide and perhaps to enjoy a quick drink. Which might have been a good idea except for one thing. That building, right next door to the grocery store…was the local police station. He realized his error and tried to flee, but was immediately apprehended.

Valentine’s Day is not far away and we have to assume our bozo was planning a romantic massage for two…or maybe two dozen. From Springfield, Massachusetts comes the story of bozo Chamil Valderamma who stopped by the local Bath and Body works in the mall and picked up a few bottles of body lotion. Actually, more than just a few. Seventy-five, to be exact. And he also failed to pay for them. He just stuffed them into his pants. As you might imagine, 75 bottles of lotion in your pants makes it kind of hard to get around. Employees noticed his rather strange gait and called mall security and he was quickly apprehended. Police officers said our bozo could not bend over to get into the police cruiser until some of the bottles were removed.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report. Our bozo for today comes from Chesterfield, Missouri, where Alan Barker was a top salesman at a car dealership that featured exotic sports cars. And, of course, the main selling points of these vehicles are their speed and handling characteristics. And that’s what got our bozo into trouble. He videotaped himself driving a Lamborghini, a Maserati and a Porsche on the Interstate, being sure to show images of the speedometers registering up to 130 MPH. He then posted those videos on YouTube. The police got wind of it and, needless to say, didn’t appreciate his sales efforts. He’s been charged with speeding and reckless driving and faces possible jail time.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Greg Peet for sending in today’s report. We have searched our legal library and can’t find a crime to charge this gentleman with, but there’s not doubt he is a bozo. From Independence Township, Michigan, comes the story of an unidentified 62-year-old man who is known around town for doing "outrageous things." He took an automobile muffler, filled it with gasoline and gunpowder, strapped it on his back, after climbing aboard a sled, lit it. His attempt at making a rocket launcher failed miserably when it exploded, leaving him with burns over 18 percent of his body. Doctors say he’ll recover. And hopefully he won’t watch any more Wile E. Coyote cartoons.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report. From Hanover Township, Pennsylvania, comes the story of bozo Francis Cooke who was upset with the service he had received from his local bank. So he complained to the bank manager, right? Wrong. Maybe sent an angry letter to the bank’s main office? Nope. Just closed his account and went someplace else with his business? No way. Instead, he called the local TV station and invited them to videotape him as he robbed the bank. The TV station decided they didn’t need this video for their Live at Five segment and instead informed the cops of our bozo’s lame brained plan. He’s been charged with making terroristic threats.

Bozo criminal for today comes from San Diego, California, where bozo Reggie Pope called the cops to report that he had been assaulted. When the police arrived, they found that he had indeed been involved in a scuffle, and then they discovered the rest of the story. It seems our bozo had tried to mug an 83 year old woman and a bystander and jumped in and punched him out. Our bozo was so upset that he called 911 to report the incident. Bad idea. He’s been charged with elder abuse and robbery.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Clearwater, Florida. Bozo Nancy Walker called 911 complaining of exhaustion. When fire department paramedics arrived she explained that she wasn’t really "exhausted". She was just "tired" of her husband. Turns out that’s not a valid reason to call 911. She’s been charged with 911 abuse.

Bozo criminal for today comes from our Things Are Not Always What They Seem Department. From Medford, Oregon comes the story of a bozo who broke the window of a pharmacy late Saturday night and grabbed all the prescriptions from the "O" section. Police believe he was after the narcotic oxycodone. Unfortunately, prescriptions orders are sorted alphabetically by the customers last names, not the name of the drug. Oops.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Joplin, Missouri, where bozo Paul Harper broke into a car and stole a purse containing a number of items, including a two-carat diamond ring. After waiting a few hours, our bozo took the ring to a local jewelry store and said he wanted to sell it. The cops had already sent a description of the stolen ring to local merchants and the jeweler recognized it. He stalled the man and called the cops. When the police arrived, our bozo swallowed the ring and then denied ever having it. Unfortunately, trying to swallow a two-carat diamond ring is like trying to swallow one of those horse-pill vitamins without a glass of water, a tough job. While he was denying the crime, he started to cough and out popped the ring, right in front of the cops. He’s busted.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. Police in Orlando Florida, were looking for a stolen vehicle when they spotted a 1998 Dodge Durango matching the description parked in front of a residence. They checked the license plate and, Bingo! They had a match. It was what they saw when they confronted our bozo thief inside the house that landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame. Inside, they found bozo car thief Michael Evans playing a game on his X-box. And the game he was playing…Grand Theft Auto. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Flagstaff, Arizona, where our unidentified bozo must have thought he had hit the jackpot. A local smoke shop had put together a window display featuring "Spice" fake marijuana and a $200 incense vaporizer. Our bozo smashed a glass door and made off with the goodies. Police are following up several leads in hopes of finding our no doubt very disappointed Bozo.