Author: dave

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Randy Shereda for sending in today’s report. From Marathon, Florida, comes the story of bozo Brian Sawyer who had big plans for a project he was working on. And there was one essential ingredient he was missing…sand. Lots of sand. And where can you find an abundance of sand? The beach, of course. So, our bozo drove his pickup down to Coco Plum Beach and filled it up with sand. Unfortunately, he forgot one thing about driving on the beach. You tend to get stuck. Especially when you have a pickup truck filled with sand. Sheriff’s deputies helped to get him unstuck before charging him with grand theft of sand, criminal mischief and DUI.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Memphis, Tennessee, where bozo William Hastings broke into a residence and stole numerous items, including a generator, sunglasses and several bottles of cologne. Before leaving, our bozo also raided the fridge, taking out several bottles of hot sauce and inexplicably breaking them against a wall before fleeing. The homeowner returned just in time to spot our bozo was walking across the yard in the direction of a nearby gas station. Police were called and our bozo was quickly arrested. It seems he was rather easy to spot. He was covered in hot sauce. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today definitely wins the Bozo Excuse of the Month award and is the early leader for Bozo Excuse of the Year. From North East, Maryland, comes the story of bozo Carl Anders who was spotted by the manager of the local BP convenience store when he came in to open up. Or at least, he spotted part of him…his feet, which were dangling from the store’s ventilation system. Police arrived and freed our bozo who then offered up this excuse. The 20-year-old said he was playing hide and seek with some friends and crawled into the ductwork to hide from them and got stuck. And where were his fellow hide and seekers? He said after they couldn’t find him, they gave up and went home. Police didn’t believe him, either. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today wins our Meathead of the Month award. From Athens, Tennessee, comes the story of bozo door-to-door meat salesman Robert Sloan who was apparently knocking on doors and trying to sell his product with a city permit. When the cops approached him in his vehicle, he panicked and tossed a half-burned marijuana cigarette in his mouth and swallowed it, in full view of the officers. He’s got a lot more to worry about now than selling meat without a permit.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Indianapolis, Indiana, where bozo James Simpson was released from prison after serving a four-month sentence for marijuana possession. His wife came to the jail to pick him up and the urge to celebrate his freedom immediately was apparently just too much to resist. A police officer noticed our bozos car being driven erratically just a few blocks from the prison. He pulled the vehicle over and inside he found our bozo, his wife and a friend enjoying his freedom by smoking a joint. Oops. He’s headed back to jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from our Truth in Advertising department. From Holiday, Florida, comes the story of bozo Rebekah Koonce who was pulled over by the cops after she ran a stop sign. The officer noticed she had bloodshot eyes and was slurring her speech, so he decided to search her car. And that was when he found the evidence that sealed our bozo’s fate. Inside the car was a green plastic box with a label reading "Rebekah’s pot" on the outside. And that’s also what was on the inside. She’s busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bob Hammond for sending in today’s report from Clackamas County, Oregon. Bozo David Henry was spotted by a police officer as he awkwardly tried to load a bicycle onto the MAX light rail platform at a shopping center. The officer soon discovered the reason our bozo was struggling. He had a bolt-cutter and several other tools stuffed into his pants, along with $61 worth of quarters. It seems that our bozo had raided several newspaper boxes and stolen the bicycle along the way. He’s under arrest…for the 45th time.

Bozo criminals for today come from Cedar Rapids, Iowa, where two men forced another man into a van at gunpoint and then robbed him of everything in his pockets and even took his shoes. After being kicked out of the van, he called the cops. The police had no trouble finding the crooks after the victim described the vehicle he had been held in. It was a black van covered with pictures of scantily clad women advertising "Big Bob’s Gold Mine", an area strip club. And one of the robbers was apparently a relative of the owner. Oops. They’re under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report. From Woodbine, Georgia, comes the story of bozo Harry Jacobs who needed a smoke. Really needed a smoke. Only problem, he was an inmate in the County Jail and there weren’t any cigarettes available. So he set up a meeting with a friend on the outside who was supposed to toss the smokes over a fence in the exercise yard. When our bozo went to meet his friend, he was nowhere to be found. So, he did what any cigarette-jonesing bozo would do. He climbed the fence, broke a window at a nearby convenience store and stole several packs of cigarettes. Unfortunately his break-in to the jail wasn’t as successful as his break-out. Guards spotted him as he attempted to climb back over the fence. Those were pretty expensive cigarettes. He’s been sentenced to an additional 20 years for burglary and escape.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Chris Snyder for sending in today’s report from Medford, Oregon. Two unidentified bozos attempted to rob someone at knifepoint at a convenience store before losing their nerve and running away. This would probably have been a good plan except for one thing. They had driven their car to the store. Police were on the scene investigating when our bozos returned to pick up their car. Oops. They’re busted!

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 990987: Get Out of Jail Free cards only work in Monopoly. From Rikers Island, New York, comes the story of bozo Dana Friedrich was being held on burglary charges. It was then that he hatched his seemingly foolproof plan. He printed up fake court papers lowering his bond from $100,000 to $1000 and forged a court official’s initials on the document. Unfortunately, an officer quickly spotted the phony document and simply added forgery charges to our bozo’s rap sheet.

Bozo Criminal for today comes from our April Fools File. From Newberg, Oregon, comes the story of bozo Corey Mason who called the cops and told them that three well-dressed burglars had broken into his home. He said that he had surprised them when he returned home and they fled after he fired several rounds from his handgun at them. Police began a massive search for the men, but found nothing. Upon further investigation at his home, they also found no evidence of a struggle, much less a shootout. They did, however find methamphetamines. While the police contemplate why he would have made the whole story up, they’ve charged him with drug possession.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report from Lackawanna, New York, which proves the bozo apple does not fall far from the tree. Bozo Jennifer Howard was pulled over by the cops for having an expired license plate. After the officer discovered that the plate also did not match the vehicle, she offered up the Bozo Excuse that she knew her plates were expired so she swapped them with the plates on her mother’s car. During the interrogation, the officer also discovered that her driver’s license was expired. He agreed to allow her to call her mother to come pick her up. Not the best idea. Mom arrived driving her car, which had her daughter’s expired plates on it. And her driver’s license is expired also. No word on whether they’re sharing the same cell.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Cleveland, Ohio, where bozo Ricky Fox fled from the cops after a traffic violation. After leading them on a chase at speeds of up to 90 MPH, our bozo spotted a tall fence and pulled the car over. He quickly scaled the fence but did not find the freedom he was looking for on the other side. He had climbed over the fence that surrounded the state women’s prison. Oops. He’s under arrest.

Admittedly, we’re going to have a tough time calling our bozo for today a criminal, but there’s little doubt he is indeed a bozo. From Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania comes the story of bozo Donald Wesley, a true animal lover, who encountered a dead opossum on the side of the road. Trying to do the right thing, our bozo stopped and attempted to administer mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to the creature, who apparently had been dead for quite a while. A police officer spotted him and, after questioning, charged him with public intoxication. No word on the fate of the possum.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Naperville, Illinois, where bozo Carly Hampton was taken to jail after getting into a heated dispute with a cab driver. The officer on duty offered our bozo use of a telephone, telling her she was entitled to one phone call. So, she called a relative to come pick her up, right? Wrong. Maybe she called a bail bondsman? No. A lawyer? Nope. Instead our bozo used her one call to dial 911 and tell the operator that she was "trapped inside the police station." It comes as no big surprise that this was not a good idea. She now has earned another criminal charge, this one for making a false 911 report.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Orem, Utah, where bozo John Watkins swiped a couple of cell phones from a convenience store. And that’s where he troubles began. Apparently he left behind a slip of paper with his address on it. Then, he somehow became disorientated and flagged down a police officer to ask for directions. The very same police officer that was investigating the theft and had just received a description of our bozo from the clerk. Oops. He’s been charged with theft and possession of marijuana.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fairfield, Connecticut, where bozo Albert Baker and a 16-year-old accomplice thought they had come up with the ultimate plan for simplifying bank robberies. Simply call ahead first. And that’s exactly what they did, calling the bank and telling the teller that they were on their way to rob the place and to avoid trouble, simply have a bag of money ready to go. Unfortunately for them, the teller called the cops instead and they were there waiting for our bozos when they arrived. Busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk David Alford for sending in today’s report from Spring Hill, Florida, where Bozo Louis Perez may have been watching too many of those home makeover shows. Obviously thinking he needed something to spruce up his yard, our bozo pulled up in front of a doctor’s office, tied a rope to his truck, and affixed the other end of the rope to an expensive palm tree that was part of the office’s landscaping. Our bozo then proceeded to drive away, pulling the tree up by the roots. Office staffers noticed what was going on and called the cops, who simply followed the trail of sand to our bozo’s home. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from West Des Moines, Iowa, where bozo Scott Darby had been drinking and carousing at the local bar when he suddenly left with a woman on his arm and a half finished beer on the bar. Before the bartenders could pick up the glass, our bozo returned, toting a rifle and demanding cash. The staff thought he was kidding until he fired a round into the ceiling. They quickly cleaned out the registers and our bozo fled in a waiting car. The cops didn’t have any trouble tracking him down, though. It seems before his mood turned dark, he had been walking around the bar handing out business cards for his contracting business. He’s under arrest.