Bozo criminal for today comes from the Bozo Lonely Hearts Club file. From Alliance, Ohio, comes the story of bozo Audrey Simmons who called 911 five times within the space of a couple of hours. Not because she had an emergency. Because she didn’t have a husband. Yep, she called 911 to ask the operator to help her find a husband. 911 provides a number of services but matchmaking ain’t one of them. She’s been charged with improper use of the 911 system.
We have another case today of a bozo foiled by social networking. From Lockport, New York, comes the story of bozo Christopher Haines who was called before the judge to be sentenced on a robbery charge. Now, this was not a major break-in, he had assaulted a man and robbed him of $40. In most cases of this sort, the judge would be lenient. And that would have probably been the case this time…except for one thing. Our bozo had gone on his MySpace page and had bragged about his crimes and the fact that he was a member of a violent gang associated with the Bloods, based out of Chicago. Not the best thing to do just before going to see the judge, who had read the page. He decided to let him see what gangs he could join in prison. He’ll be locked up for seven years.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report. From Oklahoma City, Oklahoma comes the story of bozo Ray Jackson who made a trip to the county courthouse. When he placed his belongings on the tray at the security checkpoint, he included a baggie of marijuana from his pocket. Realizing his error, he ran from the courthouse and got away before deputies could catch him. Guess he really must have wanted to attend something that was going on at the courthouse, as he returned the very next morning at exactly the same time. This time, he wore a hat in an attempt to disguise himself. Didn’t work. Deputies immediately recognized him and took him into custody. Busted!
Bozo criminal for today comes from Jacksonville, Florida, where bozo Gary Boone drove to a gas station, smashed the window and stole several cartons of cigarettes. Sounds like a successful crime, right? Wrong. There was one small problem. The whole thing was captured on the store’s security cameras. And just as he was driving away, the camera recorded the license plate falling off our bozo’s getaway car. Oops. He’s busted!
Our bozo story for today comes from the Internal Affairs division, and while the bozos certainly aren’t criminals, they certainly are bozos. From Corpus Christi, Texas, comes the story of the local police department who proudly announced "one of the largest marijuana plant seizures in the police department’s history." The officers spent hours tagging and removing more than 400 plants that they found growing in a city park. And then someone pointed out to them that, um, dude, that plant really doesn’t look much like marijuana. A battery of tests were run and the offending plant turned out to be horse mint, a common weed. Oops. Well, at least the park is now looking much more tidy.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report about a bozo who had obviously never seen the movie ET. From El Paso, Texas, comes the story of Bozo David Cain who was pulled over by the cops for a traffic violation. He ditched the car and sought refuge at a nearby carnival. For reasons known only to the bozo mind, he thought a big pile of stuffed animals might be a good hiding place. So, he burrowed into the teddies and was still as a mouse. Only one problem, he didn’t burrow deep enough. The officer quickly spotted his tennis shoes sticking out from under the stuffed animals. Oops. He’s busted!
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report which contains two glaring errors made by our bozo. After spending the afternoon drinking, he became agitated when he thought some of his beer was missing. The first error he made was blaming his own mother with taking his beer. But that error alone wouldn’t get him arrested. It was what he did next that sealed his fate. He dialed 911 to complain that his mother had stolen his beer and said if she wasn’t arrested, he would continue to call 911. Police arrived to investigate and our bozo was charged with making a false 911 call.
Bozo criminal for today violated Mom’s Rule Number 1: Always wear clean underwear. From Seattle, Washington, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who broke into a home and took several electronic devices and a change of clothes. He must have really like those clothes, too, as he decided to change into them before leaving. And of course, since he was wearing a new outfit, he left his old clothes, including his underwear, behind. And that was his downfall. Police sent the underwear to a state crime lab and a DNA test identified our bozo. He’s busted!
One thing we’re sure of here at the Bozo Report: Guys love their trucks. And our bozo for today must not have realized just how much. From Longview, Washington, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who stole a big pickup truck from the back yard of a home. Unfortunately, the homeowner was there at the time. And even more unfortunately, the homeowner immediately recognized the loud pipes on his truck when our bozo fired it up. He ran out of the house and gave chase in his other car and was on our bozos tail almost before he left the driveway. Thinking better of the whole thing, our bozo pulled over and ran away from the truck, which the homeowner then drove back home. Maybe next time he won’t leave the keys in it.
Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Mecklenburg, Germany, where a group of bozos had a plan for stealing a cash machine from the local bank. Their plan was to blow up the machine and collect the money. So, under cover of darkness, they entered the ATM building and planted explosives around the machine. From a safe distance away, they set off the explosion. And what an explosion it was. When the smoke cleared, the whole building had been destroyed. And among the rubble, only one thing was left standing. The ATM machine. Virtually unscathed. Oops. Our bozos got away with absolutely nothing.
Bozo criminal for today learned the hard way that the current trend of facial tattoos can lead to more problems than the obvious ones. From Pueblo, Colorado, comes the story of bozo Anthony Gomez who donned a mask before breaking into a home. His first mistake was breaking into a house that was occupied at the time. His second mistake was in not realizing that his mask did not cover the "East Side" tattoo on his upper lip and the "13" that was tattooed on his chin. Residents gave the description of the tattoos to the cops who had no problem in identifying and arresting our bozo.
Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 120098: When committing a crime, it’s usually a good idea to try to be as inconspicuous as possible. From Minden, Nevada, comes the story of bozo Brandi Sellers who shoplifted a bottle of wine from a local convenience store. She then drove over to a nearby fast-food restaurant. Police were called and had no problem quickly identified her. It was what she wearing, or wasn’t wearing, during the theft that sealed her fate. She was topless when she walked into the store. All police had to do was look for the topless woman in the restaurant parking lot. She’s under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Wenatchee, Washington, where bozo Robert Perkins was staying in room 119 at a local motel. One of his friends was also staying in the same establishment and tried to call him. One problem, his friend mis-dialed and called 911 instead of 119. Which would not have been a problem except for one little thing. When the police arrived to make sure everything was OK, they discovered our bozo had an outstanding arrest warrant. And they found heroin and other drugs in his room. Oops. He’s busted!
Bozo criminal for today comes from Temecula, California, where bozo Robert Wilks held up a bank. He walked into a Bank of America branch, handed the teller a note and left with a small amount of cash. So far, so good. It was his choice of getaway vehicles that sealed his fate. He fled the scene in a tow truck bearing a big logo of the company. Cops showed a surveillance photo of our bozo climbing into the truck to the owner of the company who immediately recognized our bozo as an employee. He’s busted!
Bozo criminal for today comes from Lowell, Massachusetts where bozo John Gonzalez robbed a convenience store. Something spooked him during the heist and he forced one of the clerks into his car as he fled. Our bozo drove around for a while before stopping a couple of blocks from his home. He then got out, took off his mask and walked into his house. Guess he forgot about the clerk, who watched him as he walked home and then called the cops. He’s under arrest.
Bozo criminals for today come from Boulder, Colorado, where two bozos decided it would be fun to vandalize cars by splashing white paint on them. Guess they had so much fun doing it that it didn’t occur to them that there was one major flaw it their plan. When you splash paint on a car, it’s inevitable that some will splash back on you and that you will leave paint footprints when you leave. And that’s just what happened. The cops followed the trail of paint to our bozos’ home where they found them with paint residue on their bodies. They’re busted!
Bozo criminals for today come from New York City where two teenage bozos broke into a garage and were rummaging around when they were spotted by the homeowner on the garage’s surveillance cameras. He then called the cops who quickly arrived and arrested our bozos. Case closed. Not quite. When the officers asked the homeowner why he had a surveillance camera in his garage, he told them it was to protect his marijuana plants. Sometimes honesty isn’t the best policy. Police found 51 pot plants inside. He’s busted!
Bozo criminal for today comes from Athens, Tenneseee, where bozo Jack Brunson rode his bicycle to the bank, pulled on a hood and a bandana and went inside to announce this was a hold-up. The teller gave him a small amount of cash and he climbed back onto his bicycle and started to pedal away. Perhaps the mask obscured his vision, as he pedaled his bike right into the path of an oncoming car. Fortunately, he received only minor injuries. Unfortunately, the accident led to his arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Clarksville, Tennessee, where an unidentified bozo stole a case of beer from a convenience store and ran away. The clerk was shocked when our bozo returned, beer in hand, a few minutes later. No, he had not suddenly felt remorse and decided to bring it back. Instead, he was returning it because it was warm and wanted to exchange it for some cold beer. He didn’t get it.
Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 111556: Don’t mess with Granny…or her daughter. From St Paul, Minnesota, comes the story of bozo Perry Yates who spotted an 85-year-old woman walking with her 64-year-old daughter and thought they would be an easy target for a purse snatching. He thought wrong. He grabbed Granny’s purse and took off, with the 64 year old in hot pursuit, waving her cane as she ran. Within less than a block, she caught up with him and he took a swing at her with his knife, which she blocked with her cane, breaking the knife and knocking it to the ground. She took another swing at him with the cane and he dropped the purse and fled in his vehicle, but not before a witness got his license plate number. He’s under arrest.