Author: dave

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Dave Benoit for sending in today’s report from Manchester, New Hampshire. Bozo Robert Dicarlo walked into a convenience store and grabbed the large plastic display case containing lottery scratch-off tickets and dashed for the door. He was trying to get the large case into a parked car when the clerk caught up with him. After struggling with the clerk for a few moments our bozo gave up and ran away. A customer who had witnessed the whole thing got in his car and followed our bozo, who noticed him and flagged him down, saying he needed a ride. The customer told him he first needed to make a stop at the convenience store to pick up something. The very same convenience store he had just attempted to rob. What was picked up was our bozo, by the cops who were just arriving on the scene when they returned.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Higganum, Connecticut, where bozo Walter Brown broke into a residence. The homeowners were out of town but a relative who was checking on the place immediately noticed something was amiss when she opened the front door and saw a credit card laying on the stairs. She called the cops who searched the house and found our bozo asleep in an upstairs bedroom. It was while they were interrogating him that he came up with the Bozo Excuse of the Month. He told them that he mistook the house for a bed and breakfast and left his credit card on the stairs as payment. The officers gave him bonus points for being creative but placed him under arrest anyway.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Chris Snyder for sending in today’s report which once again proves that it’s always good to be in shape. From the International File in North Devon, England, comes the story of bozo brothers Clive and Kelvin West who attempted to break into a department store through a hole in the wall, which Bozo Clive had created using a crowbar and a hammer. He then proceeded to try to squirm through the hole. Unfortunately, he didn’t chip a large enough opening to accommodate his 238-pound frame, and before long he found himself stuck tight. His noisy attempts to extricate himself attracted the attention of neighbors who called the cops. After freeing him from the wall, the police arrested our bozo and his brother.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report, which proves the old adage: Wise is the bozo who knows enough to keep his mouth shut. From Long Island, New York, comes the story of bozo William Finney who was pulled over by the cops when they clocked him doing 113 MPH in his $80,000 Maserati. After discussing the charges with the officer, our bozo said he’d like to point out that the officer was wrong. He was not going 113 MPH. In reality, according to the Maserati’s speedometer, he was doing 135 MPH. And, by the way, he also told the officer that he had been drinking. Two big mistakes. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from the Bozo Lonely Hearts Club file. From Alliance, Ohio, comes the story of bozo Audrey Simmons who called 911 five times within the space of a couple of hours. Not because she had an emergency. Because she didn’t have a husband. Yep, she called 911 to ask the operator to help her find a husband. 911 provides a number of services but matchmaking ain’t one of them. She’s been charged with improper use of the 911 system.

We have another case today of a bozo foiled by social networking. From Lockport, New York, comes the story of bozo Christopher Haines who was called before the judge to be sentenced on a robbery charge. Now, this was not a major break-in, he had assaulted a man and robbed him of $40. In most cases of this sort, the judge would be lenient. And that would have probably been the case this time…except for one thing. Our bozo had gone on his MySpace page and had bragged about his crimes and the fact that he was a member of a violent gang associated with the Bloods, based out of Chicago. Not the best thing to do just before going to see the judge, who had read the page. He decided to let him see what gangs he could join in prison. He’ll be locked up for seven years.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report. From Oklahoma City, Oklahoma comes the story of bozo Ray Jackson who made a trip to the county courthouse. When he placed his belongings on the tray at the security checkpoint, he included a baggie of marijuana from his pocket. Realizing his error, he ran from the courthouse and got away before deputies could catch him. Guess he really must have wanted to attend something that was going on at the courthouse, as he returned the very next morning at exactly the same time. This time, he wore a hat in an attempt to disguise himself. Didn’t work. Deputies immediately recognized him and took him into custody. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Jacksonville, Florida, where bozo Gary Boone drove to a gas station, smashed the window and stole several cartons of cigarettes. Sounds like a successful crime, right? Wrong. There was one small problem. The whole thing was captured on the store’s security cameras. And just as he was driving away, the camera recorded the license plate falling off our bozo’s getaway car. Oops. He’s busted!

Our bozo story for today comes from the Internal Affairs division, and while the bozos certainly aren’t criminals, they certainly are bozos. From Corpus Christi, Texas, comes the story of the local police department who proudly announced "one of the largest marijuana plant seizures in the police department’s history." The officers spent hours tagging and removing more than 400 plants that they found growing in a city park. And then someone pointed out to them that, um, dude, that plant really doesn’t look much like marijuana. A battery of tests were run and the offending plant turned out to be horse mint, a common weed. Oops. Well, at least the park is now looking much more tidy.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report about a bozo who had obviously never seen the movie ET. From El Paso, Texas, comes the story of Bozo David Cain who was pulled over by the cops for a traffic violation. He ditched the car and sought refuge at a nearby carnival. For reasons known only to the bozo mind, he thought a big pile of stuffed animals might be a good hiding place. So, he burrowed into the teddies and was still as a mouse. Only one problem, he didn’t burrow deep enough. The officer quickly spotted his tennis shoes sticking out from under the stuffed animals. Oops. He’s busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report which contains two glaring errors made by our bozo. After spending the afternoon drinking, he became agitated when he thought some of his beer was missing. The first error he made was blaming his own mother with taking his beer. But that error alone wouldn’t get him arrested. It was what he did next that sealed his fate. He dialed 911 to complain that his mother had stolen his beer and said if she wasn’t arrested, he would continue to call 911. Police arrived to investigate and our bozo was charged with making a false 911 call.

Bozo criminal for today violated Mom’s Rule Number 1: Always wear clean underwear. From Seattle, Washington, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who broke into a home and took several electronic devices and a change of clothes. He must have really like those clothes, too, as he decided to change into them before leaving. And of course, since he was wearing a new outfit, he left his old clothes, including his underwear, behind. And that was his downfall. Police sent the underwear to a state crime lab and a DNA test identified our bozo. He’s busted!

One thing we’re sure of here at the Bozo Report: Guys love their trucks. And our bozo for today must not have realized just how much. From Longview, Washington, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who stole a big pickup truck from the back yard of a home. Unfortunately, the homeowner was there at the time. And even more unfortunately, the homeowner immediately recognized the loud pipes on his truck when our bozo fired it up. He ran out of the house and gave chase in his other car and was on our bozos tail almost before he left the driveway. Thinking better of the whole thing, our bozo pulled over and ran away from the truck, which the homeowner then drove back home. Maybe next time he won’t leave the keys in it.

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Mecklenburg, Germany, where a group of bozos had a plan for stealing a cash machine from the local bank. Their plan was to blow up the machine and collect the money. So, under cover of darkness, they entered the ATM building and planted explosives around the machine. From a safe distance away, they set off the explosion. And what an explosion it was. When the smoke cleared, the whole building had been destroyed. And among the rubble, only one thing was left standing. The ATM machine. Virtually unscathed. Oops. Our bozos got away with absolutely nothing.

Bozo criminal for today learned the hard way that the current trend of facial tattoos can lead to more problems than the obvious ones. From Pueblo, Colorado, comes the story of bozo Anthony Gomez who donned a mask before breaking into a home. His first mistake was breaking into a house that was occupied at the time. His second mistake was in not realizing that his mask did not cover the "East Side" tattoo on his upper lip and the "13" that was tattooed on his chin. Residents gave the description of the tattoos to the cops who had no problem in identifying and arresting our bozo.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 120098: When committing a crime, it’s usually a good idea to try to be as inconspicuous as possible. From Minden, Nevada, comes the story of bozo Brandi Sellers who shoplifted a bottle of wine from a local convenience store. She then drove over to a nearby fast-food restaurant. Police were called and had no problem quickly identified her. It was what she wearing, or wasn’t wearing, during the theft that sealed her fate. She was topless when she walked into the store. All police had to do was look for the topless woman in the restaurant parking lot. She’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Wenatchee, Washington, where bozo Robert Perkins was staying in room 119 at a local motel. One of his friends was also staying in the same establishment and tried to call him. One problem, his friend mis-dialed and called 911 instead of 119. Which would not have been a problem except for one little thing. When the police arrived to make sure everything was OK, they discovered our bozo had an outstanding arrest warrant. And they found heroin and other drugs in his room. Oops. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Temecula, California, where bozo Robert Wilks held up a bank. He walked into a Bank of America branch, handed the teller a note and left with a small amount of cash. So far, so good. It was his choice of getaway vehicles that sealed his fate. He fled the scene in a tow truck bearing a big logo of the company. Cops showed a surveillance photo of our bozo climbing into the truck to the owner of the company who immediately recognized our bozo as an employee. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lowell, Massachusetts where bozo John Gonzalez robbed a convenience store. Something spooked him during the heist and he forced one of the clerks into his car as he fled. Our bozo drove around for a while before stopping a couple of blocks from his home. He then got out, took off his mask and walked into his house. Guess he forgot about the clerk, who watched him as he walked home and then called the cops. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminals for today come from Boulder, Colorado, where two bozos decided it would be fun to vandalize cars by splashing white paint on them. Guess they had so much fun doing it that it didn’t occur to them that there was one major flaw it their plan. When you splash paint on a car, it’s inevitable that some will splash back on you and that you will leave paint footprints when you leave. And that’s just what happened. The cops followed the trail of paint to our bozos’ home where they found them with paint residue on their bodies. They’re busted!