Bozo criminal for today forgot all-important Bozo Rule Number 110098: First, check the gas gauge. From Wenatchee, Washington, comes the story of bozo Paul Caldwell who stole items worth over $10,000 from a Native American collectibles shop. The police were called and they found our bozo on foot a short distance away from the crime scene. And the reason he was on foot was found near the store. His getaway car, stalled out due to an empty gas tank. Oops. He’s under arrest.
Bozo criminals for today come from Springfield, Missouri, where three women skipped out on their bill at the local Waffle House by running out the front door when they were presented with the check. Unfortunately for the ladies, they left behind two of their purses when they made a break for it. Police were called, and wouldn’t you know it, a short time later one of our bozos came back in, demanding that their purses be returned. They’re busted!
Bozo criminal for today comes from Sarasota, Florida, where bozo Gerald Martin triggered a burglar alarm when he broke into a residence. When the police arrived, they found our bozo inside, carrying a stack of jewelry and other items that he had picked up. It was when they confronted him that he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cops that he had robbed the place last year and he had simply returned to leave a thank-you note. While the police appreciated his good manners, they weren’t buying the story. He’s under arrest.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Dave Benoit for sending in today’s report. From Boston, Massachusetts, comes the story of bozo Saeed Mustafa who approached an off-duty police officer and said, "Hey! You want to buy some dope?" Our bozo then pulled out a clear baggie containing a substance believed to be heroin. It was when the officer identified himself that our bozo offered up the Bozo Backtrack of the Week. He then said "I was just kidding. It’s my thyroid medicine." The officer didn’t buy the old thyroid medicine excuse. He’s busted.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Sarnia, Ontario, Canada. Bozo Russell Stone broke into a residence and hauled out tools, woodworking equipment and various other items. Unfortunately, he only hauled them out into the front yard, where he set up a big garage sale. Yep, he broke into the house and then proceeded to try to sell the stuff in the front yard. Things were going pretty well until suspicious neighbors called the cops. He’s busted.
We can’t confirm, but we suspect our bozo criminal for today might have decided it was time to play possum. Bozo Derrick Thibideaux attempted to break into the mobile home of an 82 year old woman in Walker, Louisiana. Our homeowner was totally prepared. She grabbed her trusty crowbar with one hand and dialed 911 with the other. And that’s when our bozo moved into possum mode. When he saw her, he passed out. Sleeping beauty was awakened and taken to jail.
Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Augustine, Florida, where bozo George McMeans had worked up quite a thirst. He had a problem, however. He was out of beer and he had no transportation. So, he did what any bozo would do, he called 911 from his room at the Budget Inn and asked for a ride. The dispatcher told him that 911 wasn’t a taxi service and hung up. Undeterred, our bozo called a second time. This time officers were sent to the motel to tell him he would be arrested if he continued to call 911 for non-emergencies. Obviously this man was severely dehydrated as he called a third time. This time when the officers returned, they took a look around the room and discovered marijuana. Oops. He’s busted! He’s been charged with 911 abuse and drug possession.
Bozo criminals for today come from Jackson, Mississippi, where a group of bozos came up with what they thought was a fantastic money making scheme: Sell fake computers. Might have been a good idea except for what they tried to pass off as a computer. A block of wood wrapped in duct tape. Yep, they attached a Toshiba label on the block and tried to sell it as a laptop. They were caught when they tried to sell one of the "computers" to an off duty state trooper. As far as can be determined, no one bought one of the fake machines.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from the International File in New Westminster, Canada. Bozo Paul Wilkinson knew the local Starbucks did a lot of business so he thought it would be a good place to rob. Guess he didn’t take into account what a wide variety of customers that Starbucks attracts. He walked in, threw a can at the cashier and demanded all the money in the register. Unfortunately, he did not notice the two uniformed police officers who were standing at the counter waiting for their order. Oops. He’s under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today no doubt regrets the fact that his would-be victim was obviously a big fan of McGruff the Crime Dog. From Daytona Beach, Florida comes the story of 73-year-old great-grandmother Patricia Reynolds who was accosted at a gas station by our bozo who grabbed her purse and then attempted to flee. We say attempted because Granny took a bite out of crime by biting our bozo’s arm hard enough to draw blood. This slowed him down enough that bystanders were able to call 911 as he made his way to his getaway vehicle. He was quickly placed under arrest. Our granny has a loose tooth but is otherwise OK.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mark Garstin for sending in today’s report. From San Francisco, California, comes the story of bozo Horatio Torrez who snatched a new iPhone while it was being demonstrated to potential clients at a business conference. Guess our bozo didn’t realize that what was being featured at the demonstration was the GPS tracking software installed on the phone. The cops were called and in less than 10 minutes they had used the software to track down and arrest our bozo.
Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Petersburg, Florida, where bozo Douglas Carter was watching the local news when he saw a segment on unsolved crimes. The one that caught his attention involved a man grabbing a person in a car and pistol whipping him. Our bozo thought the guy doing the pistol whipping looked awfully familiar and so he did what any bozo would do, he called the police to ask why his face was being shown on TV. Bad idea. Both the cops and the victim have identified our bozo as the criminal in the video. He’s busted!
Bozo criminal for today comes from Tulsa, Oklahoma, where two bozos broke into Linda Stevenson’s apartment. One held a screwdriver to her throat while the other paced back and forth holding her purse and demanding her valuables. Then, things suddenly got much more dangerous, as one of our bozo told her to take off her clothes. And that’s when Stevenson, a card carrying member of the NRA, sprang into action. She said she’d give our bozos her money if they’d hand over her purse so she could retrieve it. They did. And what she retrieved was her Lady Smith and Wesson .38 special. Four shots were fired and our bozos both crumpled to the floor. Final score: Woman 2, Bozos 0.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Port Richey, Florida, where bozo Shawn Moore had a problem, and he sought out a police officer to try to solve it, which may not have been the best idea. Our bozo was riding his bicycle around 9 PM the other evening with a pair of handcuffs dangling from his right wrist. He flagged down a patrol car and told the officer his girlfriend had put the handcuffs on him before discovering she didn’t have a key. He was able to pick the lock on the left cuff, but the right one was stuck tight. The officer said he’d be glad to help, but he’d have to pat him down first. And that’s when our bozo’s troubles really began. The officer found nine Xanax pills, a syringe and other pills for which he did not have a prescription. Oops. The officer reapplied the handcuff to our bozo’s left wrist and placed him under arrest for possession of drug paraphernalia.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Penryn, California where our bozo was living his lifelong dream…unfortunately that’s what got him arrested. The Valencia Club went out of business in June. A couple of weeks later bozo Travis Karl, a homeless guy, broke into the shuttered bar and started cleaning the place up. He bought a six-pack of beer and an "Open" sign at a convenience store and started selling beer to customers who strolled in. Business was good and he used the money from his proceeds to buy more alcohol, continuing to build up the business until he had up to 30 customers a day and a dozen or so bottles of hard liquor and several cases of beer. Things started to go downhill when the local paper did a story on the re-opening of the bar, complete with a picture and a quote from out bozo saying it was a "dream come true" to run the bar. A police officer recognized our bozo and went to the club to investigate. He’s been charged with burglary and selling alcohol without a license.
Bozos for today don’t qualify as criminals but they are such bozos that they’ve moved to the front of the line. From Sedro-Wooley, Washington, comes the story of two unidentified men who work at a shop that builds and services race cars. And those race cars run on methanol fuel. Somehow, our bozos came up with the bright idea of using the methanol barrels to create a sort of "ground rocket." One of our bozos took a seat upon the 55 gallon barrel of methanol while our other bozo lit it. It must have sounded like fun, to ride across the parking lot on a flaming barrel of methanol. Didn’t work out. The barrel exploded and one end of it flew 120 feet. Remarkably, both bozos survived and were taken to the hospital where they were treated for severe burns. Unfortunately, there’s no treatment for stupidity.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Spartanburg, South Carolina, where bozo Lori Thomas walked into the local McDonalds and ordered two sandwiches and two small coffees. The cashier gave our bozo a bag with the sandwiches and turned to get the coffees. While she was filling the cups, our bozo grabbed one of the sandwiches and stuffed it down her pants. She then began to complain loudly that she had been shorted a sandwich and demanded that they give her another one. When the clerk refused, our bozo continued to complain and eventually the police were called. When the deputy arrived, the woman was still screaming, "Give me the (expletive) sandwich." It was then that the deputy noticed a large grease stain on the front of the woman’s pants. He demanded that she give up the evidence. She refused, and a female officer was called. The officer promptly reached into the woman’s pants and pulled out the sandwich. Busted! She’s been charged with theft and public intoxication.
Bozo criminal for today once again proves that most bozos just don’t know when to let well enough alone. From Hollywood, Florida, comes the story of bozo Robert Prater who was pulled over by the cops for running a stop sign. Even though the vehicle he was driving was covered with signs advertising discount t-shirts, our bozo managed to convince the officer he was an agent with the General Services Administration, and showed him an ID card. The officer let him off with a warning and our bozo went on his way. But he just couldn’t let it go. Later that day, he went to the police station to complain about being stopped. Bad idea. They ran a background check and found that, while he did work for the GSA, he was not an agent, and was not above basic traffic rules and regulations. He’s now charged with impersonating an officer, a felony.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Cinnaminson, New Jersey, comes the story of bozo Richard Hardy who was arrested on shoplifting charges. He was locked up for having two outstanding warrants before paying his $400 bail in cash. After he left the facility, police discovered the money he used to pay his bail was counterfeit. As our bozo was enjoying his freedom, he started thinking that he had been overcharged. He was quite sure his bail should have been $200 instead of the $400 he was charged. So, he did what any bozo would do. He returned to the police station and asked for his $200 back. The $200 he had paid in bogus bills. Bad idea. He’s been charged with counterfeiting.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Kensunnuma, Japan, where bozo Kazuhiro Keyama walked into a building carrying a large kitchen knife and threatened the woman at the reception counter, demanding money. Things quickly went downhill from there. Police officers appeared out of nowhere and quickly placed him under arrest. You see, there was one small flaw in his robbery plan. The building he walked into was a police station. Oops.