Author: dave

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Cologne, Germany, where two unidentified bozos had big plans for breaking into an office. They got into the building just fine and were headed up to the office they had targeted when the elevator got stuck. They tried to pry open the door, with one of the bozos injuring his hand in the process. After it became obvious that they weren’t going anywhere, they did the only logical thing. They used the phone in the elevator to call for help. And by this time, they had abandoned any plans for trying to make up an elaborate story as to why they were in the building on the weekend. They simply told the operator the truth, that they were in the building planning to rob an office when the elevator jammed. Police appreciated their honesty but arrested them anyway.

Bozo criminal for today violated Basic Rule Number 1: Always clear things with your wife. From Bradenton, Florida comes the story of bozo Troy Sanders who allegedly robbed a bank. The cops released a photo of our bozo taken from the bank’s surveillance cameras. When the picture was shown on the evening news who should recognize him but his wife, who knew nothing about his career as a bank robber. She promptly called the cops and our bozo was placed under arrest.

Extremely cold weather is gripping most of the country, and it would appear it is causing some unexpected problems for our bozos. From Lincoln, Nebraska, comes the story of two bozos who thought it would be a good day to break into a house. It wasn’t. Inside the residence was a 12-year-old girl who was home on a snow day. She screamed and our bozos fled. Police are looking for them, armed with a good description from the young girl.

Bozo criminal for today from the International File in Trochu, Alberta, Canada, made a number of mistakes. First, he picked the wrong farmers to attempt to steal fuel from. These guys had been robbed before and when they spotted our bozo attempting to siphon gas, they took off after him. Our bozo’s second mistake was not putting on proper clothing before attempting his heist. Our bozo tried to run in his baggy pajama pants, but it was difficult as they kept falling down. He was quickly captured by the farmers who hog-tied him with his bare butt sticking up in the air. And that’s how the cops found him. He’s been given proper jail attire and placed under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Chatham, Ontario, where the local police appealed for help from the public in solving a burglary by releasing some details of the break-in to the local press. Their plan worked, but not in the manner in which the cops had expected. One of our bozo crooks who had taken part in the crime read the story and was so upset that the police didn’t make clear just how much he had stolen that he called the police chief and left him a voicemail describing the crime and also identifying two of his accomplices. Thanks for the recorded confession. They’re under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Wilmington, Delaware, where bozo John Frazier broke into a house by crawling through a window and proceeded to make himself at home. Since the owner didn’t return, he stuck around for three days, drinking three bottles of gin and two of whiskey. When he finally got ready to leave, he was too drunk to crawl back out through the window and when he discovered all the doors were locked and required a key to open, he did what any bozo would do. He called 911. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Melbourne, Australia, where an unidentified bozo honked his horn and waved as he drove past a police car. This is probably not a good idea under any circumstances, but it was certainly a big mistake in this case. The curious officer pulled our bozo over and he was drunk. Really drunk. Five times over the legal limit. When asked why he was driving like that, he replied that he was unaware he was driving a car. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today just wouldn’t take "No" for an answer. From Jerome, Idaho, comes the story of bozo Guadalupe Cruz who went to the sheriff’s office and asked officers to arrest him so he could be deported. When the cops denied his request, he walked outside the station, broke the window of a squad car and drove away with the vehicle. He didn’t get very far, as the squad car soon ran out of gas. This time the cops granted his wish.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Fort Walton Beach, Florida, comes the story of Bozo Kyndric West who was being processed into the Okaloosa County Jail when a guard noticed something in his hand. When he asked him what it was, our bozo replied, "Cocaine." Quickly seeing the error of his ways, he said, "(Expletive), I knew I shouldn’t have brought that in…(expletive)." He then asked if he could just flush it down the toilet. His request was denied. Smuggling contraband and possessing a controlled substance have been added to the charges against him.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Seattle, Washington, where bozo Jonathan Baker grabbed a 50-inch TV out of a delivery truck, placed it in his shopping cart and began wheeling it away. Our bozo had dressed himself in camouflage, perhaps thinking that would keep anyone from noticing him rolling a big screen TV down the sidewalk. He should have done a little more research into his getaway, as he was spotted when he pushed the TV past a police station. Oops. He’s under arrest.

We’re not sure, but we think the Spirit of Christmas may have led our bozo for today away from a life of crime. From Sacramento, California, comes the story of an unidentified cab rider who pulled a knife on the driver and then apparently thought better of it. He put the knife away and when he fled the cab, he left behind payment for the fare plus a tip. Police say our bozo won’t be charged.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Picayune, Mississippi, where bozo Robert Haynes went to a local cemetery to take pictures of ghosts. Or at least that’s what he told the cops. After they arrested him for indecent exposure. As he explained to the police, he had to take off his clothes because a naked body is the best canvas to show off the spirits orbs of energy. The cops believe his plan was to show off something else. He’s busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bob Hammond for sending in today’s report. From West Linn, Oregon, comes the story of bozo Zelda Foster who broke into a residence and stole some computer equipment, jewelry and clothes and stuffed it all in a large duffel bag, which she also took from the house. Finding that she simply had too much stuff to carry, she did what any bozo would do, she called for backup. Unfortunately, she decided to call 911 to ask for a ride home. She’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 55987: Let your getaway driver in on what’s going on. From Elysian, Minnesota, comes the story of 70-year-old Sandra Barron who asked the son of a friend if he could please drive her to the bank. He was glad to do it and waited in the car while she went inside and robbed the place. When she returned to the car with her cash, he casually drove away. He never noticed when the bank vice president jumped in his car and followed them. He also never noticed when the police joined the caravan. When he pulled the car into our bozo’s driveway, she was placed under arrest.

Bozo criminals for today come from Gadsden, Alabama, where a group of bozos held up a bank, getting away with an undetermined amount of cash. Our bozos were making their getaway when an officer noticed something strange about their car. Something was flying out of the windows as the vehicle sped down the highway. And that something was cash. Lots of cash. He turned around and gave chase, but not for long, as the bozos soon crashed their vehicle and fled into the nearby woods. They’re under arrest.

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Wigan, England, where thieves stole a batch of pies as they were on the way to the World Pie Eating Championships. This would not ordinarily have been newsworthy except for the secret ingredient that the chef had placed into the pies to prevent the potatoes from becoming mushy. Viagra. Yep, the chef placed Viagra into the pies to keep the potatoes firm. The local police chief says, and we quote, "the local folk should be on the lookout for a group of hardened criminals." There’s nothing more we can say.

Bozo criminal for today comes from East Wenatchee, Washington, where an unidentified bozo robbed a woman and grabbed her purse after threatening to shoot her. Our bozo took off running toward what he thought was his approaching getaway vehicle. Unfortunately, it wasn’t. It was a marked patrol car, driven by an officer who had slowed down after he noticed what was happening. Oops. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the Orange County Jail in Santa Ana, California, where bozo Malcolm Carson was tired of the salami sandwiches he was being served. So, he filed a protest about the jailhouse food, citing religious beliefs. And the religious holiday that he named that required Kosher food wasn’t Hanukkah. He said he needed Kosher food to celebrate Festivus. Festivus is the fictional holiday that was celebrated with the airing of grievances and feats of strength on the Seinfeld TV show. His request has been thrown out.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from the Political Division. From McAlester, Oklahoma, comes the story of bozo state representative Terry Harrison who was very proud of himself when he bagged a piebald, white-tailed deer. He was so proud, he called the media to brag about his prize. Unfortunately, a game warden read the newspaper story about the deer and realized that the representative likely was in violation of state hunting regulations since he didn’t have a permit to shoot the animal. Oops. And our bozo should have known better, since he wrote some of the state’s hunting laws. He’s been fined $296.

Bozo criminal for today comes from our "’Tis the Season" file. From the International File in Montabaur, Germany, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who answered the door of his home to find the police standing outside. They informed him that they had received reports that he might be in possession of marijuana. Our bozo co-operated with the officers and turned over 5.5 ounces of pot and as they were leaving one of the officers noticed the lovely Christmas tree that our bozo had nicely decorated. As he took a closer look at the tree, he noticed it wasn’t a fir or a pine. It wasn’t even a cedar. Instead, it was a 7 foot tall marijuana plant with Christmas ornaments all over it. Looks like Santa has just added someone to the "Naughty" list.