Author: dave

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mike Sheffield for sending in today’s report from Kenosha, Wisconsin. It seems our 19-year-old bozo was visiting the home of a friend. Two things to know about her friend’s residence. 1. He had a gun. 2. He had a cat. Our bozo picked up the handgun, turned on the laser sight and began using the laser to tease the cat, getting him to chase it. Not the safest thing to do, and, as you might expect, the gun went off, striking the man in the thigh. 911 and the cops were called. The man, who we believe was not seriously injured, was charged with violating bond conditions that prohibited him from having a weapon. Our bozo was charged with negligent use of a weapon.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Mobile, Alabama, where bozo Jeffrey Mason was accused of stealing a fire-rescue vehicle from in front of the fire station. Our bozo, who apparently never met a TV camera he didn’t like, had been charged with the theft and was being escorted out of the police station when he noticed the TV crew. He introduced himself to the cameras and announced that he was “running for Mayor of Mobile, Alabama, baby!” When a female reporter asked him if he stole the vehicle, he said he wouldn’t have stolen it if he “had a woman like you.” But he wasn’t done. He then listed God as an accomplice, saying the God had told him to steal the car. The TV crew turned their attention to another perp, asking him if he had stolen a vehicle. Our bozo immediately jumped in and said, “No! I did it, man! He didn’t do sh–! I did everything!” And on a parting note, he promised to steal a police car when he was released from custody. Could be awhile. He’s being held on charges of first degree theft and first degree burglary.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report from Houston, Texas. It seems bozo Mohamed Abu-Shlieba stole a Dodge Challenger Hellcat, one of the fastest production cars ever made, with a top speed of 200 MPH. It was so fast that the cops, and their helicopter, couldn’t keep up. The chase continued down I-10 and, just as the cops thought they had lost him, they spotted the Challenger at the side of the road, apparently out of gas. Our bozo had built up a big enough lead that he could probably have evaded the cops, but, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, he was spotted casually walking out of a wooded area and into the middle of a cow pasture while talking on his cell phone. When he was arrested he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week, telling the cops he “let it run out of gas” so they could catch up to him. Bad idea. He’s been sentenced to three years in prison.

Bozo criminal for today comes from East Nashville, Tennessee, where police responded to a report of a vehicle crashed into a ditch. Upon arrival, they found not one but two cars involved in the accident. Here’s what happened. Bozo number one, Natasha Brown, had a glass of wine and an espresso martini at a bar before heading home. She didn’t make it and crashed into a ditch. She then called Bozo number two, Melvin Adams, to come and help her out. Number two, who admitted to having a “couple” of beers drove over and crashed into the back of Bozo number one’s vehicle. Busted! Both of them failed breathalyzer tests and were charged with DUI.

Bozo criminals for today come from Clearwater, Florida, where the cops were called to a report of a domestic disturbance. When they arrived, they found Bozo Stephanie Lamar and her boyfriend Adolfo Rodriguez involved in a verbal disagreement and covered in…spaghetti sauce. Apparently they had been enjoying some Chef Boyardee when an argument turned violent, wherein each bozo found a bowl of spaghetti shoved in the other’s face. Police say alcohol was probably a factor. After a quick cleanup, they were both arrested and charged with domestic battery.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending today’s report from Yakima, Washington, where police received a report of shots fired at a residence. Upon arrival, they discovered our bozo in the alleyway outside his home, “yelling incoherently” with a gun lying in the middle of the road. He was taken into custody and witnesses filled in the details. Apparently our bozo had just loaded some soda cans into his refrigerator when one of them exploded. He immediately grabbed his gun out of his waistband and shot the refrigerator dead. When confronted with this information at the station house, our bozo said actually he was shooting at the people in the basement who “wanted to kill” him. OK, except for one small thing…your home doesn’t have a basement. He’s been charged with second-degree unlawful possession of a firearm, and discharge of a firearm.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Antelope Valley, California where a officer couldn’t believe what he saw on a Toyota Prius tooling down the freeway. The car had a satellite dish mounted right in the center of the hood. He pulled our bozo over and asked him if the dish obscured his view of the highway. Our bozo offered up this answer, “Only when I make right turns.” Sorry, unless you can proved you’re never going to make a right turn again you are busted! No word on whether he was ticketed or released with a warning.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Quinlan, Texas, where the cops were called to the local Shell station around 12:30 the other night. It seems a customer had lost something and had called the police for assistance. When they arrived, our bozo explained that he had dropped a bag of meth near the gas pumps and couldn’t find it. Busted! Charged with DUI and public intoxication. And that bag of meth…no details on whether it ever turned up.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Tulsa, Oklahoma, where the police department posted a couple of pictures of Lorraine Graves as part of their weekly “Most Wanted” campaign on Facebook. It seems our bozo was on the run for allegedly being an accessory to murder. Not long after the post went up a familiar name came up in the comments section. One “Lorraine Graves” posted “Where the reward money at?” Didn’t take long for the cops to track her down. She’s under arrest. Not sure about that reward money, but her bond on accessory to murder charges has been set at $500,000.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Worcester, Massachusetts, where bozo Johanna Green stole a car and led the cops on a wild chase. During the two hour pursuit she ran red lights, drove in the wrong direction, and rammed several other vehicles, including two police cruisers. She even hit an officer, dragging him for a few feet, leaving him with non-life-threatening injuries. For all we know, this chase might still be going on if she had not driven by a McDonalds. And when she saw the Golden Arches, the need for Chicken Nuggets was just too great. She was arrested in the drive-thru while she was waiting for her order. Busted! And charged with 15 counts – including assault and battery by means of a dangerous weapon, leaving the scene of an accident with property damage, and resisting arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Petersburg, Florida. Police were called to a report of a car being driven erratically. Upon arrival, they discovered our bozo had struck a tree, a Taco Bell sign and the restaurant’s water meter before driving away. She was arrested when they spotted her driving through two red lights nearby. Upon questioning, she was described as having “bloodshot, watery eyes, a dazed and blank expression on her face and an odor of an alcoholic beverage on her breath.” Busted! And charged with DUI involving property damage, leaving the scene of an accident, and driving with a suspended or revoked license. Just a normal night on the Bozo Beat, so why does this story merit mention? Well, it’s her very ironic last name. Kanisha Booze has seven previous convictions for driving without a license and also has been convicted of grand theft and marijuana possession.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fairfield, Maine, where police radar clocked bozo Robert Crain doing 110 in a 45 MPH zone. The officer reported the Toyota Corolla was traveling so fast it appeared to leave the surface after hitting a bump. Yikes! The officer gave chase only to have our bozo pull into a Circle K. A quick interrogation seemed to be going nowhere until the passenger said she needed to use the restroom. Really, really needed to use the restroom. When she returned, our bozo had been charged with criminal speed, operating after suspension, violating conditions of release and operating under the influence. Guess the “Nature Calls” plea didn’t work this time.

Bozo Criminal for today comes from Eaton County, Michigan and once again let’s count the strikes, shall we?
Our unidentified bozo was pulled over for doing 97 in a 55 MPH zone. This alone would be enough to merit a busting, but we’re just getting warmed up. He also failed a breathalyzer test and had an open container in the car. Officially strike number one. A search of the car turned up a dozen packets of cocaine. Strike two. Officers also found an unlicensed long gun, a felony. Strike three. And let’s throw in driving with a revoked license just for the fun of it. Busted! And headed to jail.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mike Sheffield for sending in today’s report from Waterboro, Maine, where the cops responded to a call of a stolen vehicle early Sunday morning. Upon arrival, they spotted our bozo walking around the area. He had no connection to the theft but it was discovered that there was an outstanding warrant on him for robbery of a Walmart. Busted…but he said he had enough money on him to pay the $200 bail. Reaching into his pocket he pulled out two $100s and handed them over to the bail commissioner. End of story, right? Wrong. Those $100s where very obvious counterfeits. Oops. Add forgery and passing counterfeit money to those other charges.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mathias Joost for sending in today’s report from Miami Gardens, Florida, where our unidentified bozo pulled up to the Starbucks Drive-Thru and requested a bagel with cream cheese. He pulled away from the window before noticing the cream cheese was missing. Uh-oh. He did a quick u-turn and headed back to the service window. He screamed to the employee that he wanted his cream cheese and even went so far as to gesture at her with a hand gun, just to get his point across. Bad idea in any case, but his problems were compounded by the fact that the Starbucks employee just happened to be the chief of police’s daughter. He was given the cream cheese but before he was able to enjoy it he was pulled over and faces several charges including aggravated assault with a firearm.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Gillette, Wyoming, where it would seem Bozo Rule Number 8744348 was violated. This rule clearly states: Don’t ask unnecessary questions. Apparently our bozo was a bit confused so he called the cops to try to clear things up. He asked the Sheriff’s Office why he hadn’t been arrested since they raided his house the previous day. Well, hold on while we check. Sheriff’s Office records showed no raid on his home, yesterday or any other day. So the obvious question, why should you have been arrested? Our bozo’s answer, “For using meth.” Well, OK then. The cops decided to keep an eye on him and when he went out for a drive they pulled him over for driving erratically. Busted! He failed a field sobriety test and was placed under arrest for DUI.

First, a quick thanks to everyone who has asked…the bozo report has been slowed down due to my recent surgery. Hope to get back to full speed soon! Our bozo for today comes from Rochester Hills, Michigan, where the cops pulled over a vehicle around 2:15 AM after they noticed it had no license plate. For those of you playing along at home, that’s strike one. A quick check of the driver’s license found it to be suspended. Strike two. The passenger then spoke up to claim that she was actually the owner of the vehicle. Um…did anyone ask? However she was unable to produce any proof of ownership. Let’s call that strike two and a half. Then, a deputy noticed seven catalytic converters and a Sawzall in the car. Unless you’re running a mobile muffler shop, looks like you’ve been stealing those. Strike three! Busted! I case you weren’t aware, catalytic converters are a popular item for theft due to the valuable precious metals they contain.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Aylesbury, England. The cops were in pursuit of our bozo when he suddenly ditched his car and fled on foot. Seeking a place to hide, he ran into the first building he encountered. Good plan, right? Wrong. The first building he saw was the Aylesbury police station. Well, that makes things simple. He’s busted! Charged with possession of drugs.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from the International File in Richmond, North Yorkshire, England. It seems army lance corporal and bozo Marie Graham had been out for a night of heavy drinking. And what’s better after getting your drink on than a nice order of McDonalds fries and maybe some chicken nuggets? At least that’s what our bozo thought, so she headed for the drive thru at Mickey D’s. It was late and the drive thru was closed and cordoned off. Our bozo pulled in anyway and employees called the cops. When officers arrived, it would seem she was a bit confused as she gave the cop her order when he approached her window. Bad idea. Busted! She faces drunken driving charges and a military disciplinary hearing.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Pawhuska, Oklahoma, where the police were investigating an incident at the local high school. It seemed that at least one of the students had complained about Bozo Lindy Spain’s actions while substituting teaching a choir class. In an attempt to be “the cool teacher” she decided to perform a cartwheel in front of the class. No problem, right? Well…it seems she was wearing a dress with no underwear, which led a 17 year-old female to complain that she had exposed her “buttocks and bare vagina.” As far as we have been able to determine, no boys complained. She’s busted and charged with indecent exposure.