Author: dave

Our bozo story for today comes from Denver, Colorado, where there are at least a couple of bozos at work. It seems a man and wife bozo team were hauling a load of marijuana from Utah to North Carolina when they were carjacked. The thieves got away with the pot, leaving our bozos standing on the side of Interstate 80. It was then that our bozos did the obvious thing…they called the cops to report that their marijuana had been stolen. The police were soon in hot pursuit of our bozo dope thieves, who began tossing bags of marijuana out of the window of the vehicle. Apparently the driver was paying more attention to his tossing than his driving as he crashed the car into a snow bank. Both sets of bozos are now under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today from Kansas City, Missouri, obviously forgot Bozo Rule Number 22389: Pack a lunch. Our unidentified bozo was spotted by the cops driving a car that had been reported stolen. When they pursued him, our bozo took off and led them on a 50-minute chase that went through several neighborhoods and down Interstate 70. Don’t know if he got hungry or just needed a pit stop, but after nearly an hour our bozo pulled into a McDonalds and walked inside. He was arrested before his order was ready.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report. From South Charleston, West Virginia comes the story of bozo Jerry Martin who was pulled over by the cops after they spotted him driving a car that had been reported as stolen. It was when they asked him where he got the vehicle that he gave them the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the police that he had purchased the car with two grams of methamphetamines which he gave to the vehicle’s owner. After informing him that meth is not legal tender and also after discovering that he was in possession of drugs and was not in possession of a drivers license, he was placed under arrest.

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Cologne, Germany, where two unidentified bozos had big plans for breaking into an office. They got into the building just fine and were headed up to the office they had targeted when the elevator got stuck. They tried to pry open the door, with one of the bozos injuring his hand in the process. After it became obvious that they weren’t going anywhere, they did the only logical thing. They used the phone in the elevator to call for help. And by this time, they had abandoned any plans for trying to make up an elaborate story as to why they were in the building on the weekend. They simply told the operator the truth, that they were in the building planning to rob an office when the elevator jammed. Police appreciated their honesty but arrested them anyway.

Bozo criminal for today violated Basic Rule Number 1: Always clear things with your wife. From Bradenton, Florida comes the story of bozo Troy Sanders who allegedly robbed a bank. The cops released a photo of our bozo taken from the bank’s surveillance cameras. When the picture was shown on the evening news who should recognize him but his wife, who knew nothing about his career as a bank robber. She promptly called the cops and our bozo was placed under arrest.

Extremely cold weather is gripping most of the country, and it would appear it is causing some unexpected problems for our bozos. From Lincoln, Nebraska, comes the story of two bozos who thought it would be a good day to break into a house. It wasn’t. Inside the residence was a 12-year-old girl who was home on a snow day. She screamed and our bozos fled. Police are looking for them, armed with a good description from the young girl.

Bozo criminal for today from the International File in Trochu, Alberta, Canada, made a number of mistakes. First, he picked the wrong farmers to attempt to steal fuel from. These guys had been robbed before and when they spotted our bozo attempting to siphon gas, they took off after him. Our bozo’s second mistake was not putting on proper clothing before attempting his heist. Our bozo tried to run in his baggy pajama pants, but it was difficult as they kept falling down. He was quickly captured by the farmers who hog-tied him with his bare butt sticking up in the air. And that’s how the cops found him. He’s been given proper jail attire and placed under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Chatham, Ontario, where the local police appealed for help from the public in solving a burglary by releasing some details of the break-in to the local press. Their plan worked, but not in the manner in which the cops had expected. One of our bozo crooks who had taken part in the crime read the story and was so upset that the police didn’t make clear just how much he had stolen that he called the police chief and left him a voicemail describing the crime and also identifying two of his accomplices. Thanks for the recorded confession. They’re under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Wilmington, Delaware, where bozo John Frazier broke into a house by crawling through a window and proceeded to make himself at home. Since the owner didn’t return, he stuck around for three days, drinking three bottles of gin and two of whiskey. When he finally got ready to leave, he was too drunk to crawl back out through the window and when he discovered all the doors were locked and required a key to open, he did what any bozo would do. He called 911. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Melbourne, Australia, where an unidentified bozo honked his horn and waved as he drove past a police car. This is probably not a good idea under any circumstances, but it was certainly a big mistake in this case. The curious officer pulled our bozo over and he was drunk. Really drunk. Five times over the legal limit. When asked why he was driving like that, he replied that he was unaware he was driving a car. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today just wouldn’t take "No" for an answer. From Jerome, Idaho, comes the story of bozo Guadalupe Cruz who went to the sheriff’s office and asked officers to arrest him so he could be deported. When the cops denied his request, he walked outside the station, broke the window of a squad car and drove away with the vehicle. He didn’t get very far, as the squad car soon ran out of gas. This time the cops granted his wish.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Fort Walton Beach, Florida, comes the story of Bozo Kyndric West who was being processed into the Okaloosa County Jail when a guard noticed something in his hand. When he asked him what it was, our bozo replied, "Cocaine." Quickly seeing the error of his ways, he said, "(Expletive), I knew I shouldn’t have brought that in…(expletive)." He then asked if he could just flush it down the toilet. His request was denied. Smuggling contraband and possessing a controlled substance have been added to the charges against him.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Seattle, Washington, where bozo Jonathan Baker grabbed a 50-inch TV out of a delivery truck, placed it in his shopping cart and began wheeling it away. Our bozo had dressed himself in camouflage, perhaps thinking that would keep anyone from noticing him rolling a big screen TV down the sidewalk. He should have done a little more research into his getaway, as he was spotted when he pushed the TV past a police station. Oops. He’s under arrest.

We’re not sure, but we think the Spirit of Christmas may have led our bozo for today away from a life of crime. From Sacramento, California, comes the story of an unidentified cab rider who pulled a knife on the driver and then apparently thought better of it. He put the knife away and when he fled the cab, he left behind payment for the fare plus a tip. Police say our bozo won’t be charged.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Picayune, Mississippi, where bozo Robert Haynes went to a local cemetery to take pictures of ghosts. Or at least that’s what he told the cops. After they arrested him for indecent exposure. As he explained to the police, he had to take off his clothes because a naked body is the best canvas to show off the spirits orbs of energy. The cops believe his plan was to show off something else. He’s busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bob Hammond for sending in today’s report. From West Linn, Oregon, comes the story of bozo Zelda Foster who broke into a residence and stole some computer equipment, jewelry and clothes and stuffed it all in a large duffel bag, which she also took from the house. Finding that she simply had too much stuff to carry, she did what any bozo would do, she called for backup. Unfortunately, she decided to call 911 to ask for a ride home. She’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 55987: Let your getaway driver in on what’s going on. From Elysian, Minnesota, comes the story of 70-year-old Sandra Barron who asked the son of a friend if he could please drive her to the bank. He was glad to do it and waited in the car while she went inside and robbed the place. When she returned to the car with her cash, he casually drove away. He never noticed when the bank vice president jumped in his car and followed them. He also never noticed when the police joined the caravan. When he pulled the car into our bozo’s driveway, she was placed under arrest.

Bozo criminals for today come from Gadsden, Alabama, where a group of bozos held up a bank, getting away with an undetermined amount of cash. Our bozos were making their getaway when an officer noticed something strange about their car. Something was flying out of the windows as the vehicle sped down the highway. And that something was cash. Lots of cash. He turned around and gave chase, but not for long, as the bozos soon crashed their vehicle and fled into the nearby woods. They’re under arrest.

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Wigan, England, where thieves stole a batch of pies as they were on the way to the World Pie Eating Championships. This would not ordinarily have been newsworthy except for the secret ingredient that the chef had placed into the pies to prevent the potatoes from becoming mushy. Viagra. Yep, the chef placed Viagra into the pies to keep the potatoes firm. The local police chief says, and we quote, "the local folk should be on the lookout for a group of hardened criminals." There’s nothing more we can say.

Bozo criminal for today comes from East Wenatchee, Washington, where an unidentified bozo robbed a woman and grabbed her purse after threatening to shoot her. Our bozo took off running toward what he thought was his approaching getaway vehicle. Unfortunately, it wasn’t. It was a marked patrol car, driven by an officer who had slowed down after he noticed what was happening. Oops. He’s under arrest.