Bozo criminal for today comes from Westminster, Colorado, where police arrived on the scene of a traffic accident. They were trying to coax the intoxicated driver from his vehicle when our bozo got out of her car and walked up to the officers. To offer assistance? Nope. She walked up to complain that the officers were blocking the road and backing up traffic. Bad idea. She’s under arrest for suspicion of drunken driving and obstructing police.
Bozo criminals for today come from Lakeland, Florida, where bozos Chad Baker and Rickey Wells broke into a Chicken Shack restaurant and stole beer, T-shirts and several other items. Armed with a description from a citizen who witnessed the robbery, officers investigating the crime had no trouble tracking down our crooks. They spotted two men walking nearby…drinking beer and wearing the stolen Chicken Shack T-shirts. They’re busted!
Bozo criminal for today comes from Sachse, Texas, where bozo Nathan Poe walked into a bank and announced to the teller that this was a holdup and that she should hand over all her cash. The teller said she couldn’t do that unless he could provide two forms of identification. Trying to cooperate, our bozo produced out his state ID card and his Wells Fargo debit card. She then provided him with $800. His fumbling for the ID also provided her with enough time to notify authorities, who arrested our bozo as he tried to flee with his cash.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Arona, Pennsylvania, where police were called to a disturbance after reports of shots being fired. Upon arrival, they discovered that bozo Joseph Dilio had gotten into an argument with his girlfriend after she returned home with his truck at around 1:30 in the morning. This would normally not be bozo-worthy news except for the reason our bozo got mad enough to fire shots at his girlfriend in the first place. Her offense? She returned his truck with a gas tank that was nearly empty. He’s been charged with assault.
Bozo criminal for today comes from South Greensburg, Pennsylvania, where the cops were called to a BP gas station after bozo Thomas Williams filled up his tank and then announced he had no money. After a brief scuffle with the officer, our bozo fled into a nearby building, where he managed to lose the cops. And they might not have found him had he not decided to take a smoke break. Yep, a smoke break. The officers noticed the smell of smoke coming from the ceiling and drug him out of the crawl space. He’s under arrest.
We’re all familiar with Clemenza’s instruction, "Leave the gun, take the cannoli." We’re not sure exactly what our bozo for today took, but what he left behind sure wasn’t a cannoli. From the International File in Copenhagen, Denmark, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who sneaked into a bank vault on Friday only to find himself trapped there until the bank reopened on Monday. Returning bank employees got the surprise of their lives when our bozo burst out of the vault with a large amount of cash and jewelry. He might have made a clean getaway except for what he left behind. During three days in the vault, he had to relieve himself several times. And he left the waste in glass bottles. Police were able to ID his DNA from the samples. He’s under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Rome, Italy, where a local custom is to prepare a big tray of lasagna for lunch on the last Tuesday before Lent. And that’s what ultimately tripped up bozo Giancarlo Sabatini who had been on the run from the cops for 11 years on a drug charge. The police got a tip that our bozo loved his mother-in-law’s lasagna and would often come out of hiding to enjoy it on Fat Tuesday. The cops staked out his mother-in-law’s house and saw our bozo’s wife leaving around noon carrying a large tray of lasagna. After she returned home, the cops burst in and, sure enough, there was our bozo, scarfing down the lasagna. Hope he enjoyed his last meal as a free man. He’s under arrest.
Once again today we have a story of a bozo who effectively arrested himself. From Portland, Oregon, comes the story of bozo Timothy Clark who broke into a residence and was treating himself to a nice hot shower when the homeowner returned. Startled by the man, and fearing that he might have a gun, our bozo locked himself in the bathroom and dialed 911 to ask for help. "Hello, operator, I, uh, broke into a house and now I’m afraid the owner is going to shoot me…could you send the cops over?" He’s under arrest.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Hazard, Kentucky. Bozo Shane Harvey was in need of a ride home and when he couldn’t find a taxi he did the next logical thing…he stole an ambulance. He was walking by the hospital and noticed the unattended ambulance out front, so he hopped in and headed to the house. Didn’t quite make it. An officer noticed an ambulance being driven erratically and pulled him over. He said he planned on calling the ambulance service to tell them to come pick it up as soon as he got home. Police weren’t sympathetic. He’s under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Ocala, Florida, where bozo Johnnie Baxter was rolling around the local Walmart in his motorized wheelchair when security guards spotted him stuffing two bras into his pants. Employees detained him until the cops arrived at which time he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cops that he was stealing the undies as a gift for his girlfriend, who is scheduled to be released from jail later this month. After finding he had $350 in cash in his pocket, the cops were less than sympathetic. He’s under arrest for shoplifting.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Rome, Georgia, where bozo Joseph Starkey was obviously hungry. He walked into the local Walmart and grabbed a rotisserie chicken and some hot wings. And since his mother had told him to brush after every meal he then picked up a couple of toothbrushes. Then he proceeded to stuff everything down his pants, including the chicken. Needless to say his "chicken walk" attracted a little attention as he tried to exit through the Garden Center. He’s been charged with shoplifting.
Bozo criminal for today may have technically committed a crime, but we would have to agree with him that the rapidly rising gas prices are the crime here. From LaPlace, Louisiana, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who called 911 to complain about the rising gas prices. When the officers arrived, he explained that the price of gas on the pump was $3.04 when he started pumping, but rose to $3.19 before he was finished. The manager of the store said the pumps were controlled by computer and once the price change was initiated there was no way to stop it, even if someone was pumping gas at the time. The officers took pity on our bozo and merely warned him about mis-using the 911 service.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Covington, Georgia, where bozo Robert Smith had a plan. He was going to break into a local school by climbing down through an air vent. The first hiccup in the plan came as he tried to squeeze himself into the vent. It was a tight fit. So tight that something had to go if he was going to get in. And that something was his clothes, which he left in a pile on the roof beside the vent. The second problem was the school’s security system, which was set off as soon as our bozo set foot on the floor. Oops. Naked bozo is under arrest.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow who sent in today’s report, which violates Bozo Rule Number 4678: It’s best to keep a low profile when you’re a wanted man. From the International File in Piatra-Neamt, Romania comes the story of bozo Viorel Piescan who fled from the cops 10 years ago after being charged with forgery. And of course, you’d want to find a low profile job that didn’t draw attention to you, right? Wrong. Our bozo found gainful employment as an anchorman on a primetime TV show. Must have been a low-rated one, as no one noticed him until the cops pulled him over for a traffic violation and discovered the outstanding warrant. He’s under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Ocala, Florida, where bozo Charles Griffin walked into a bank, handed the teller a hold-up note and got away with an undisclosed amount of cash. And that’s when things started to awry. Our bozo walked into a porta potty across the street to change clothes and was spotted by an alert officer who noticed a "suspicious looking" man exiting the potty. The cop followed our bozo to a nearby restaurant where he was found to be in possession of the cash from the robbery. A quick search of the potty turned up the clothes he wore during the heist, a pellet gun and the hold-up note. He’s under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Henderson, Nevada, where bozo Robert Weston was arrested by the cops on burglary charges. He was handcuffed and placed in the back of the patrol car. While the officers were away from the car, our bozo somehow managed to slither through a square-foot wide opening between the plexiglass window and the back of the driver’s seat. While still handcuffed, he managed to drive away. Unfortunately, he forgot one thing. Many police cars have built-in GPS devices. Cops tracked the car’s location to a softball field a couple of miles away, where our bozo was found hiding. He’s under arrest again.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report. From Lawrenceburg, Indiana, comes the story of bozo Amos Adams who was pulled over by the cops for not wearing a seat belt. When asked for ID, our bozo said he didn’t have any. The cop then asked him to write down his full name, address and date of birth on a piece of paper. The cop looked at it and asked how to pronounce "Rorth Taylor", the name he had given. The man said his name was "Robert" and when the cop asked him to spell it, he said, "R-E-R-E-R-T" and said his last name was "T-A-Y-L-O-E-R". After several more unsuccessful attempts to spell his name, our bozo decided to fess up and tell the officer his real name, admitting that he had lied because there was a warrant for his arrest. He was right about that. He’s under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Millville, New Jersey, where bozo Irwin Krause was arrested for shoplifting at the local Walmart. It was when the cops asked him for an explanation that he came up with the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cops that he had lost a bet with a friend and was given the choice of shoplifting $50 worth of stuff from Walmart or running down the street naked. He decided the lesser of the two evils was to shoplift. He should have gotten naked. Police weren’t interested in his bet and charged him with shoplifting.
Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 93354: If you’re planning on robbing a gun shop, be sure your weapon is loaded. From Northland, Missouri, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who walked into a gun store and tried to purchase some ammunition. He handed the clerk $40 for the box of shells and when the clerk told him he was $10 short, our bozo pulled out a gun and demanded cash. The quick thinking clerk took one look at our bozo’s weapon and, noticing that the gun’s cylinder was empty, pulled a gun of his own, which was fully loaded. Seeing the error of his ways, our bozo made a hasty retreat, leaving his $40 behind. Oops…
The best we can say about today’s bozo was that he had good intentions. And you know where good intentions lead you…to jail. From Skowhegan, Maine, comes the story of bozo Joshua Lang who served jail time on bank robbery charges. After being released, his probation stated that he could not enter any of the branches of the credit union he had robbed. The probation also required that our bozo pay restitution to the bank. So, he did what any bozo would do. He went back to the bank he had robbed to ask for a loan to pay back the bank. Bad idea. One of the tellers recognized him and called the cops. He’s under arrest. Again.