Author: dave

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report, which once again proves that Bozos and Modern Technology just don’t mix. From Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, comes the story of bozo Lauren Eller who posted a simple request on her Facebook page, "I will pay somebody a sack to kill my baby father." And, proving once again that you can find anything on the internet, someone responded, offering to take the job. Apparently the baby father’s aunt also saw the post and alerted her nephew who called the cops. The baby mama and the would-be hit man are both under arrest.

Bozo criminals for today come from Hyannis, Massachusetts, where two bozos, armed with knives and a hatchet, burst into a local Dunkin Donuts store. As they entered, they noticed an employee stuffing a paper bag into her purse. Thinking it was the day’s receipts, they demanded that she turn the bag over, which she did. Our bozos then quickly fled with their dough. Literally. Instead of the cash that they thought was inside the bag, there was instead simply a sack full of doughnuts. Police were able to quickly track them down using the store’s surveillance video. They’re under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Perth, Australia, where bozo David Powell thought he had a good plan. He would break into a residence while the homeowner was away and swipe jewels and computer equipment to sell for drug money. The plan went smoothly at first, as he grabbed the loot and made a clean getaway. But he failed to cover his tracks. And they were very identifiable ones. He had lost one of his legs several years ago due to his drug abuse and the print in the mud of one foot and one crutch mark were easy for the cops to follow, right back to his flat which was nearby. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Amherst, Ohio, where police were called on a disturbance call at a campground. There were reports of a violent man threatening people. When police arrived, things had calmed down and our unidentified bozo was asleep…under a porch. When the officers approached, he growled and barked at them before being placed under arrest. It was his explanation of his behavior that landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame. He told the cops he had been scratched by a wolf and, as a result, always acts violently during the full moon. The officers had another explanation for his actions. He was drunk. He’s been charged with underage consumption.

Bozo criminal for today comes From Wood River, Illinois. When you are a bozo on the run from the law, there are many places you can hide. Perhaps the worst among them is in a dumpster, as our unidentified bozo learned. His timing was poor also, as just after he jumped into the trash bin, a trash truck arrived an emptied the garbage, bozo and all, into the truck. The truck driver made at least five more stops before he noticed a shoe flying over the front of the vehicle. Our bozo was extracted, cleaned up, treated for minor injuries, and arrested.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Fresno, California. It seems that bozo Jena Lucas locked the keys in her car. So she called a locksmith to let her in, right? Nope. Maybe looked around for a second key she had stashed somewhere? Nah. Perhaps broke the glass as a last resort? No way. Set the hillside near the car on fire to attract attention? Of course. The fire burned a half acre of brush before it was put out. She’s been booked on suspicion of arson.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Portsmouth, New Hampshire, where bozo Douglas Eads carjacked a vehicle and led the cops on a chase through multiple towns involving five police cruisers. He was finally apprehended when officers placed stop sticks across the road. It was when he was being questioned that he came up with the response that landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame. After giving the cops a false name, he told him he was from "the fifth dimension." And he didn’t mean the old musical group. He said, "I’m not joking" and told them he was from "Atmaloke" in the fifth dimension. Maybe he was hoping to get some sort of diplomatic immunity. Didn’t work. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Kalmar, Sweden, where our unidentified bozo called the cops in a panic to say that his wife was missing from his sailboat. He was certain that she must have fallen overboard and drowned. When the police arrived they found the man to be extremely intoxicated. So drunk, in fact, that he had forgotten that she did not accompany him on the trip. The wife, as it turns out, was safe at home. He’s been arrested for boating while intoxicated.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Independence, Missouri, where our bozo seemed out of place. He was menacing, frightening and not at all what he seemed to be. Police were called to a pond in a subdivision where our bozo had been sighted, hiding in the tall grass. After consulting with their supervisors, the officers were given their orders…shoot to kill. And shoot they did, striking our bozo twice in the head. But the big bozo didn’t move, even after the second shot. And that’s when the police realized everything wasn’t as it seemed. That threatening bozo that was causing all the trouble wasn’t a live alligator at all. It was a concrete lawn ornament. A faux gator, if you will. The police tracked down the property owner, who said he had placed the gator on his property to keep people off. He’s been advised to get a no-tresspassing sign. And that bozo gator? He’s going to need a patch job.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report from Delmar, Delaware. What’s that old saying…Wise is the bozo who knows enough to keep his mouth shut? Our bozo today should have paid heed to that advice. It seems bozo Richard Voyles was staying at the Traveler’s Motel in Delmar and was talking loudly on his phone about being wanted by authorities. Loudly enough that the neighbors in the next room could hear everything he was saying. They called the cops who stopped by and found he was telling the truth. He’s under arrest.

We all know that curiosity killed the cat; sometimes it also catches the bozo! From Sandusky, Ohio, comes the story of bozo Marquis Brown who drove up on police investigating a traffic accident. Our curious bozo stopped his car and got out to investigate. He began talking to the cops, giving them some advice on their work and telling them he knew the individuals involved in the accident. This could have perhaps been OK, except for the fact that our bozo reeked of alcohol. And then, to add to his problems, he tripped and fell into a sergeant at the scene. Plus it also seems that he had peed his pants. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report. With gas prices remaining high, many of us are putting off filling up the tank for as long as possible. And that’s what ultimately led to our bozo’s downfall. From Belmont, California, comes the story of bozo Stephen Abrams who carjacked a woman and her five-year-old daughter. He forced them out of their car in a pizza parking lot and took off. Apparently he didn’t bother to check the fuel gauge, as the cops found him stranded on a highway overpass a short distance away after the car ran out of gas. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Mishawaka, Indiana, where the temperatures have been warming lately. And, everyone knows, when the temperature goes up, the bozos come out. It seems bozo Rick Jacobs was enjoying the sunny day in a local park when the police approached. It was how he had chosen to enjoy the day that got him in trouble. He was stretched out on the ground, with a big grin on his face, totally nude and covered in extra virgin olive oil. When the police asked what he was doing, he replied, "I’m from New York. Can’t I do this here?" He added, "I’m a Republican, and my cigarettes pay your taxes!" After explaining that he wasn’t in New York anymore, the cops covered him with a blanket and placed him under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Joe Miller for sending in today’s report. From St. Petersburg, Florida comes the story of an unidentified bozo whose plans for robbing a convenience store went terribly wrong. The first issue was his poor choice of weapon. He walked up to the clerk and demanded cash, threatening her with a Sony PlayStation controller. The second issue was one of timing. Just as he whipped out his "weapon", a police officer walked in to pick up something to eat. Realizing the jig was up, our bozo dropped the remote and surrendered to the officer.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report from Mobile, Alabama, where bozo Barry Palmer thought it would be fun to steal a city bus. When a transit driver left the bus parked with the keys in it, our bozo sprang into action. He climbed aboard and took off. Upon reaching the next bus stop, he pulled over and picked up a passenger. Things were going well…until he asked the new passenger for cigarettes and money. And then the passenger noticed the "driver" was barefoot. Probably a dead giveaway. The cops quickly pulled the bus over and arrested the wannabe Ralph Kramden.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bob Knight for sending in today’s report from Kissimmee, Florida. Three bozos, dressed in black and wearing masks, approached a woman sitting on her front porch and forced her into her house at gunpoint. Once inside, they gathered up cell phones and electronics before cutting the phone lines and leaving. Well, they almost left…Outside, they discovered that their truck was locked. And none of them had the keys. Finally, one of our bozos realized he had left the keys inside the house. When they tried to get back in, they found the homeowners had securely locked the door, leaving them no choice but to flee on foot. Didn’t take the cops long to track them down. They’re under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 01435, which states the obvious: Being in jail does not qualify you for unemployment. From Buffalo, New York, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who was serving time at a state prison. This fact did not stop him from falsifying application papers and collecting unemployment. His plan came to a screeching halt when jail officials noticed the unemployment checks being mailed to him. Oops…He’s busted.

Bozo criminal for today from Columbus, Ohio, forgot Bozo Rule Number 454466: Following directions is not always the best idea. Our unidentified bozo entered a branch of the PNC bank with his hoodie pulled up to cover his face. As he was waiting in line, one of the tellers noticed him and informed him of the bank’s "No hats, no hoods" policy and told him he would have to take off the hood. Not wanting to break the rules, our bozo complied, giving security cameras a clear shot of his face. Undaunted, he stayed in line and, when he got to the teller, said he had a gun and demanded cash. While he succeeded in getting away with a small amount of money, police expect to make a quick arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bob Hammond for sending in today’s report from the International File in Russia. The cops pulled our bozo over under suspicion of drunk driving. When they asked him for his driver’s license, our bozo began searching his pockets. Finally, he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and proceeded to "call" his father who was "on duty", carrying on an imaginary conversation where he told Dad he needed to "deal with the situation." He continued talking to the cigarettes while the officers searched his car. Finally, he pulled a cigarette out of his "phone" and lit up as he was being placed under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today fits the definition of "bumbling bozo" perfectly. From Charlotte, North Carolina, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who broke into a residence and was making his way around when he stumbled and fell. The jolt caused his gun to discharge, which woke up the residents, who called the cops. Miraculously, twinkle toes was able to run away without tripping. Police are checking hospitals looking for patients with skinned knees.