Author: dave

Our bozo for today can’t rightfully be called a criminal for reasons that will soon become apparent. Woodward, Oklahoma police were called to the Boiling Springs Golf Course after a report of a disturbance at the annual Elks Lodge fundraiser golf tournament. It seems a woman had stripped off all her clothes during a putting challenge. The police investigated, but left without making an arrest. The reason? It seems no one participating in the Elks’ event was willing to file a formal complaint against the naked woman. Case closed.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Greg Peet for sending in today’s report which reminds us that a good night’s sleep is essential for carrying out the tasks of the day. From South Haven, Michigan, comes the story of bozo Ryan Fisher who broke into the garage of a residence. He found a motorcycle inside and attempted to hot wire it but was apparently unsuccessful. He did, however, successfully hot wire a four wheeler, which he drove from the garage to a secluded area near the home. He then returned to the garage and drove the other four wheeler to the same location. Obviously, this took a lot of work, so he decided to take a little break. And that break turned into a nice nap. Meanwhile, the police were called to the home and they noticed the tracks of the four wheelers, which led them to our still sleeping bozo. His excuse? He said he had taken some Valium. Whatever, he’s under arrest.

In all the Bozo Criminal Archives, you’ll never find a case of a bozo using a more revolting weapon than the one we have for you this morning. From Cape Coral, Florida, comes the story of bozo Owen Carpenter who was confronted by the cops outside a local McDonalds. The police had received reports of our bozo harassing customers as they attempted to enter the restaurant, but they had no idea just what he was doing. When they arrived, they found our shirtless bozo standing near the entrance squeezing away at the acne on his back. Yuk. After a brief chase, he was arrested and charged with drug possession and assault with a disgusting weapon.

Bozo for today violated Bozo Rule Number 339908: Use caution when trying to act like a tough guy when you don’t know what you’re doing. From Chandler, Arizona, comes the story of bozo Joshua Sloan who is not a criminal, but certainly pulled off a bozo stunt. Our bozo was walking into a grocery store with his girlfriend when he, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, decided to stuff a handgun down the front of his pants. While this may seem like a macho move, it also comes with a number of potential dangers. Not the least of which is that you might shoot yourself in the penis in the process. Which is exactly what happened. OUCH. He’s undergoing treatment.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Barnsley, England, where bozo John Mason was pulled over by the cops for running a red light. Now, here’s where things begin to get strange. Our bozo was not driving a car when the cops stopped him. He was driving a horse-drawn carriage. And that directly led to his coming up with the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cops it was all the horse’s fault. He explained that he ran the red light because the horse is colorblind and couldn’t tell the difference. The cops weren’t buying that one. He was fined $82 for DUI. The horse was not charged.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Dan Losada for sending in today’s report from the International File in Sweden. It seems bozo Richard Handi was rather ambitious. He was trying to build a nuclear reactor in his kitchen. Right there on his stove. His big plans came crashing down when he sent an email to the Swedish police asking whether it was legal or not. Police came by and discovered he was in possession of some radioactive materials, but was a long way from splitting the atom. He’s under arrest and, to quote our bozo, "My project is canceled."

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost who reminds us that there are some long-ago traditions that don’t need to be brought back. From Jamestown, New York, comes the story of bozo Kenneth Haines who decided that it might be fun to try to revive the fad of streaking nude through public places. So he stripped down and ran through a park? Nope. Maybe across nice liberal college campus? No way. At a sporting event? Nah. How about at a National Guard Armory? Of course. The soldiers were not amused and called the cops. He’s busted!

Some people are said to have a "death wish". Our bozo for today from Salt Lake City, Utah, must have had an "arrest wish". Our unidentified bozo walked into a 7-Eleven, took two 40-ounce bottles of beer and said he wasn’t going to pay for them. He then told the clerk that if he didn’t like it, he could call the cops. And, by the way, he would be waiting for them in the park across the street. When the cops arrived, he challenged one of the officers to a fight, and took a swing at him. His "arrest wish" came true.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, where bozo Micah Cole made a number of mistakes. First, he was already wanted by the cops on an assault charge. So, it was a bad idea to try to carjack a vehicle. And an even worse idea to try to carjack an unmarked police car with an off-duty officer inside. But it was when he tried to talk his way out of the carjacking that he came up with the line that landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame. He told officers that the carjacking attempt was part of filming for the new Batman movie, "The Dark Knight Rises", which is filming now in Pittsburgh. The lack of cameras anywhere around led officers to assume he was lying. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminals for today come from Minneapolis, Minnesota, where bozos Tania Tarver and Milton Raines had been breaking into vehicles and taking valuables for the last several months. In a classic case of going to the well one time too often, the bozos broke into a Ford Explorer this week and snatched a duffel bag containing a pistol, credit card and other items. The big problem, those items belonged to an FBI agent. And his badge and credentials were in that bag. Now, most people, upon seeing that that had stolen an FBI agent’s stuff, would have put it back or simply dumped it. But not our bozos. They were photographed using the stolen credit card at a nearby Target store and a gas station. They’re busted!

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 100987: Always use a secure hiding place for your contraband. From West Hartford, Connecticut, comes the story of bozo Dillon Larson who was pulled over by the cops for driving without a seat belt. When he was asked to step out of the car, a couple of bags of heroin and cocaine fell from his buttocks, where they had been stashed. Oops. He was charged with drug possession in addition to the failure to wear a seat belt charge.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost who sent in today’s report from Depew, New York. Our three bozos had what they thought was the perfect plan. They would rush into a jewelry store, the female bozo would Taser the store owner while the two guys would gather up the loot. One problem, they apparently failed to thoroughly read the instruction manual on the Taser. The woman fired it off but one of the leads got fouled up in the owner’s shirt and did not make contact. This gave him time to grab his pistol, which he kept under the counter. Quickly seeing the error of their ways, our bozos fled empty-handed. Unfortunately for them, the cops have a good description of their getaway vehicle and expect to make an arrest shortly.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 74747: Be sure you know how to drive a car before stealing it. From Phoenix, Arizona comes the story of bozo Travis Wimberley who spotted an ambulance left running with the keys in it outside the scene of a house fire. Thinking it might be fun to take it for a spin, he hopped in and took off. Guess the ambulance had too much power for him. He had only gone a few blocks before hitting a post, a fence and several parked cars. Or maybe it was the marijuana he had been smoking that impaired his depth perception. Either way, he’s busted!

Bozo criminals for today come from Umatilla County, Oregon, where two teenage bozos stole a pickup truck and headed across the border into Washington. Police in College Place were alerted that the vehicle might be en route to their city. They had no problem tracking it down as our bozos headed straight downtown when they arrived, and parked it directly across the street from the Police Department. Oops. They’re under arrest.

Our bozos for today don’t qualify as criminals but they could definitely use some better judgment. Police in Boras, Sweden, were called after several witnesses saw a group of men force a man into a car in a parking garage and then speed away. After being unable to come up with any leads in what appeared to be a kidnapping, the cops issued a public appeal for anyone with information about the incident to come forward. And that’s when our embarrassed bozos contacted the police. It seems the guy who was nabbed in the garage was the groom-to-be and the "kidnappers" were his friends who abducted him to take him to his bachelor party.

Bozo criminals for today come from Springfield, Georgia, where two unidentified bozos called 911 to report intruders in their home. When the police arrived they were told by the pair that people in a back bedroom of the house had broken into the home. Officers found no one in the back bedroom and no signs that the home had been broken into. But they did find evidence that the men were high on methamphetamine. It seems they were so high they hallucinated the whole thing and essentially called 911 on themselves. They’re under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Orlando, Florida, where bozo Peter Simpson had his eye on a swan that lived at a lake near the city’s downtown. Our bozo was just sure that the swan would look much better in his backyard than in Lake Eola, so he snatched it and took it to his home about three blocks away. The swan obviously was not happy with the situation and squawked and squirmed as our bozo carried him to his house. And this gave the cops the clues they needed to solve the case. They merely followed the trail of feathers to our bozo’s residence. He’s under arrest. The swan was returned to the lake unharmed.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Radnor, New Jersey, where two bozos decided it would be funny to break into a police vehicle and pretend to be under arrest. They found an unlocked police van and let themselves in, taking pictures of themselves inside. Unfortunately, once they were inside they somehow locked the van’s doors. And, even after a great deal of effort, they couldn’t figure out how to get the doors unlocked to let themselves out. So, they called a friend to come rescue them. After he had no luck, he dialed 911 for help. Not the best idea. The cops arrived and made our bozos dreams a reality. They were arrested for breaking into a police vehicle.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Topeka, Kansas, where police were called to a report of a break-in at a residence. When they arrived, the windows were covered and the doors were locked. Thinking he had barricaded himself inside, the cops set up outside the house and tried to contact the man. After three hours, and no response from our bozo, the police decided to go in. They broke down the door, and found nothing suspicious inside. That is, until they went into the bedroom. There they saw our bozo, all curled up and sleeping like a baby. He’s taking his next nap in jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bradford, England, where our unidentified bozo must have thought he had hit the jackpot. He broke into a pub and started stealing electronic equipment. In fact, he spent four hours unscrewing CCTV cameras from the walls. And the reason we know how long he spent unscrewing those security cameras? They were recording his every move. Oops. He’s under arrest.