Author: dave

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bob Hammond for sending in today’s report from Portland, Oregon. Police were called to a local Toys R Us store after receiving reports of a man there attempting to assault customers with a Star Wars Light Saber. Police tried to arrest the would-be Darth Vader but he kept swinging his light saber at them. He was even able to avoid being tased by knocking one of the wires away with his saber. Finally the officers were able to wrestle him to the ground and take his weapon. He’s under arrest. None of the victims of the light saber attack needed medical attention.

The Bozo Criminal Report can foresee a day in the not so distant future when Santa Claus may have to issue a disclaimer, "Don’t try this at home." From Stockton, California comes the story of a teen bozo who did nothing criminal but his poor imitation of Santa certainly landed him in the bozo file. It seems 18-year-old George Haynes had stayed out past his curfew and, finding the house locked tight, decided to try the Santa approach. It looks so easy when Santa does it, but our teen quickly found himself stuck inside the chimney. It took emergency crews about 90 minutes to free him, which was done by tying ropes around his wrists and pulling him up about 8 feet with the help of the firetruck ladder. He was uninjured and released to the custody of his parents.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Randy Shereda for sending in today’s report from Madison, Wisconsin. Two unidentified bozos stole DVDs and computer games from a local Target store and fled in their getaway vehicle. Unfortunately when one of them sat down in the car he accidentally butt-dialed 911. The dispatcher listened in for nearly an hour, overhearing their discussion of what they had stolen, where they were going to sell it and even a description of their car. Armed with this information, the cops were waiting with their guns drawn when our bozos pulled into the parking lot to sell the stuff.

Bozo criminal for today from Beaver, Pennsylvania, violated Bozo Rule Number 00034: Know when to keep your mouth shut. Bozo Davon Jones was on trial for possession of marijuana when his defense attorney offered up the argument that the pot the police found in his car did not belong to our bozo. That defense was shot down immediately when the officer told the attorney that the only thing our bozo said upon being arrested was, "Can I have my weed back?" Case closed.

Bozo criminal for today from Tulsa, Oklahoma was arrested by the cops on charges of attempting to manufacture methamphetamine. While this in itself is a serious charge, it was where she was trying to make it that makes her truly bozo-worthy. In her neighborhood Wal-Mart. Police say bozo Alisha Harris had been in the store for more than six hours gathering up materials to manufacture the stuff. Then she set up in the back of the store and started to combine chemicals. She had just finished mixing a bottle of sulfuric acid with starter fluid when she was placed under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today from Brookville, Pennsylvania, needed some time off from work. And since he didn’t have any vacation days coming, he hatched what he thought was the perfect bozo scheme. He published the obituary for his own mother in the local newspaper, hoping to get paid bereavement time from his employer. The plan might have worked except for one thing. His mother. He failed to tell her of his plan and she paid a visit to the newspaper to prove to them that she was still alive and kicking. Oops. Our bozo has been charged with disorderly conduct.

Bozo criminals for today aren’t really criminals, but they have been reprimanded nevertheless. From Kingston, New York, comes the story of two children, ages 4 and 6 who put their list together for Santa Claus. Since their mom wasn’t planning to visit the mall any time soon, they did the logical thing. They called Santa to tell him what they wanted. And not knowing his actual number, they called 911 instead, and asked to speak to either the police chief or Santa Claus. Santa was out, but the chief was in. Officers showed up at the house to instruct the kids and their parents on the proper use of emergency services. We hope that Santa will consider the kids good intentions and not place them on the "naughty" list.

The Bozo Criminal Report realizes that Christmas Spirit is not what you drink, but apparently that was not the case with our bozo for today. From Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, comes the story of our unidentified bozo who broke into a liquor store. So he cleaned out the cash register, right? Wrong. Perhaps stole a couple of cases of beer? Nope. A few bottles of hard liquor? No. Two containers of egg nog? Yep. Surveillance cameras showed our bozo carefully selecting the egg nog and taking nothing else. At this point, his holidays could be bright. Police are still looking for him.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Detroit Michigan, where bozo Leah Haynes is accused of trying to shoplift two bottles of liquor. Our bozo entered the store and placed the Jagermeister and tequila in her purse. Sounds like an ordinary case of theft except for one thing. The store was holding a "Shop With a Cop" event at the time. During the event, the store is full of police who go shopping with needy children during the holiday season. Oops. She’s busted!

The Bozo Criminal Report realizes that "when you gotta go, you gotta go", but you don’t have to take part of the bathroom with you. From Albuquerque, New Mexico comes the story of three bozos who did just that. They walked into a restaurant and headed straight for the rest room. When they exited the facility, they were carrying about a dozen rolls of toilet paper. They headed straight for the door, but didn’t get far. Apparently the cops had them under surveillance and quickly surrounded their car and placed them under arrest. And the toilet paper? It was returned unharmed to the rest room.

The old Burger King commercials used to say that they would let you "have it your way." Our bozo for today from Deltona, Florida, found out the hard way that is no longer true. Bozo Shawn Pope pulled up to the Burger King drive-thru and placed an order for a "blunt and some herbs." The clerk informed him that wasn’t on the BK menu and jotted down his license plate number after she smelled marijuana coming from inside the car. The cops were called and were waiting at our bozo’s residence when he arrived home. And, by the way, he must have placed a different order at another Burger King. He was carrying a bag of burgers when he got out of the car.

Bozo criminal for today proves what Mother always taught us, a little politeness goes a long way. From Hagerstown, Maryland, comes the story of bozo Franklin Hardy who was charged with theft after robbing a bank. It was a rather unusual robbery, to say the least. Our bozo did not display a weapon during the heist, and he was very polite, asking the teller, "Can I please have that stack of money?" He also said "Thank you" after receiving it. While the fact is, he’s still a thief, the judge decided he deserved a little something since he didn’t show a "treat of force" during the robbery. He knocked four years off of his seven year sentence. Hopefully, our bozo remembered to give the judge a big "Thank you."

Bozo criminal for today was nabbed "red-behinded" rather than "red-handed." From Port Charlotte, Florida, comes the story of bozo Anthony Cook who was confronted by an eyewitness who spotted him attempting to break into a car in a parking lot. Our bozo fled when she told him she was calling the cops, but not before she got an eyeful. Of his red boxer shorts, which were showing underneath his droopy pants. Police found a man matching our bozo’s description a short distance away. When the officers asked him to pull down his pants a little, the bright red underwear was revealed. He’s busted!

Bozo for today is definitely not a criminal but he learned the hard way that just because Santa can do something, it doesn’t mean you should try it. From Lubbock, Texas, comes the story of a bozo, who shall remain unidentified, who returned home with his family only to find that none of them had the keys to the front door. We don’t know if he said "Ho, Ho, Ho" before doing it, but our bozo headed straight to the roof, where he tried to lower himself down the chimney. It always looks so easy when Santa does it. Well, Santa does have a lot of experience. More than our bozo for sure, who quickly found himself stuck. After it became clear that he wasn’t going anywhere, the fire department was called. It took about an hour to get him out, embarrassed, but uninjured.

Bozo criminal for today has to be spared the title of "criminal" because of his poor farming skills, but he certainly remains a bozo. From the International File in Karlstad, Sweden, comes the story of our unidentified bozo who was arrested by the cops after they discovered several marijuana plants growing at his residence. However, after authorities tested the plants, they discovered that they were so scrawny that they didn’t contain enough THC, the active ingredient in marijuana, to qualify as a drug. Basically they were just weeds, no pun intended. He was released with a stern warning to give up being a farmer.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in another story of a Bozo Foiled by Modern Technology. From Los Angeles, California, comes the story of bozo Jason Tate, who robbed a woman at gunpoint and got away with her purse. As the woman was giving her report to the police she remembered she had just activated a new feature on her iPhone, which was taken in the purse snatching. The "Find My Phone" app uses GPS tracking in the phone to pinpoint its location. The cops were able to track the phone to a specific intersection, where they spotted our bozo, with the iPhone in his pocket. He’s busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Ed Doherty for sending in today’s report from Lehigh County, Pennsylvania, where our bozo representing himself in court discovered he did indeed have a fool for a client. Bozo Paul Carter was charged with robbing 25 hotels and convenience stores in a three month period. As he was questioning one of the robbery victims, he asked him to describe what the robber sounded like. The witness replied, "He sounded like you." No further questions. Not to be deterred, our bozo called another witness and again asked the same question, what did the robber’s voice sound like? Again the same reply from a second witness, "It sounded exactly like you." No further questions. Case closed.

Bozo criminals for today from Watertown, New York, are members in good standing of the Bozo Lonely Hearts Club. Authorities at the Watertown Correctional Facility were concerned when a couple of envelopes were discovered leaking a white powdery substance. State police and firefighters were brought in only to discover the substance in the two letters was sugar and lemonade mix. Upon further investigation, the letters were determined to be love letters sent by the inmates to their girlfriends, telling them they were "sweet" on them. Duh. Authorities say both men will be disciplined.

Bozo criminal for today from Garden Grove, California had been watching the price of copper rise, and seeing a chance to make some quick money, sprang into action. Unfortunately, being a bozo, he made a number of mistakes along the way. First, the copper wiring he staked out to steal was in the ceiling of the local Albertson’s store. And, second, he failed to calculate just how much weight the ceiling of Albertsons’s would hold. And third, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, he decided to try to steal the wire during business hours. He had made his way to a spot just above the checkout lane when the ceiling gave way. He took the express lane to jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Coram, New York, where bozo Kevin Davis crashed his car into the back of a police car. As if this wasn’t bad enough, the officer noticed that our bozo was wearing a potentially self-incriminating t-shirt. Boldly emblazoned on the front of the shirt were the words, "I’m a Drunk." Apparently so. He’s under arrest.