Author: dave

Bozo criminal for today comes from Putnam Township, Michigan, where an unidentified couple was sleeping soundly in their bed when they were disturbed by someone crawling in beside them. The couple leapt up and called 911, leaving our tired and drunk bozo to sleep it off until the police came. When the officers arrived, our bozo woke up, took an look around and said, “This isn’t my house.” No kidding. Apparently he lives a few doors down and, after a night of drinking, got the houses mixed up. He’s been charged with illegal entry.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Port St. Lucie, Florida, where 18-year-old bozo Michael Harvey spotted a handgun he really wanted at a party, so he made an offer for it and the owner sold it to him. When he got it home and was looking it over, he accidentally shot himself. And it wasn’t just a flesh wound, either. The poor bozo shot himself in the penis and testicle. Ouch. Ouch. He at first tried to lie to the cops, telling them someone shot him while walking down the street. But after the cops took a look around and found marijuana in the house he decided to ‘fess up. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from San Jose, California, where bozo Juan Cortez led police on a high-speed chase after officers tried to pull him over for speeding. Our bozo eventually crashed his car and fled from the officers on foot. Perhaps thinking he could find a hiding place between a couple of buildings, he soon found himself in a tight spot. Far too tight, it would seem, as he became stuck in an 18-inch space between the two buildings. Not able to go forward or backward, our stuck bozo was eventually freed by police using ladders and ropes. When extracted, the police were surprised to discover our bozo was clad only in a trash bag. He’s been charged with hit and run and driving with a suspended license.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Windber, Pennsylvania, where bozo Bobby Swan went down to the local home improvement store and took a look around the toilet department. Finding one he liked, he headed, not for the checkout lane, but for the returns department. Yep, he didn’t even bother to pay for the thing before trying to exchange it for $600 in gift cards. Unfortunately for him, the clerks thought something “smelled” and checked the security cameras which captured the whole episode. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from the four-legged department in Lesogorsk, Russia. Police were called to an apartment building where there was a report of an intruder on the fifth floor. And when they arrived they discovered an angry looking bull pawing the ground outside the front door of the building. Once inside the building, the found the place in disarray with furniture overturned and many items broken. But it was not until they climbed up five flights of stairs that they discovered the source of the problem. A very distressed cow who had rejected the amorous intentions of the bull downstairs and had climbed five flights of stairs to get away from him. Understandably, she wasn’t interested in leaving, either. The cops had to lasso Old Bossy and drag her, mooing in protest, down the stairs and through the lobby, while another group of cops corralled the bull. The story had a happy ending, for the cow anyway, as she was safely returned to her pasture. No charges have been filed as yet against the bull.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Volusia County, Florida where our unidentified 18-year-old bozo awoke from an extremely strange dream. And the dream was so vivid that he was quite sure that it was really real. When his parents didn’t believe him, he did what any bozo would do. He called 911. When the officers arrived and discovered that he had actually called them to report a bad dream, they gave him a stern talking to and warned him to only call 911 when there was an actual emergency. His parents even took his phone to keep him from calling again. Didn’t work. About 40 minutes later our bozo went next door and used the neighbor’s phone to call 911 again. When the officers arrived and he told them the same story about his dream, this time they weren’t so understanding. He’s been charged with misuse of the 911 system.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mike McPherson for sending in today’s report form Knoxville, Tennessee. It seems two teenagers spotted a nice looking car they wanted to steal. So, when the driver stopped at a red light, one of them walked up to the car and asked for a cigarette. The other teen then pulled a gun on the distracted driver and ordered him out of the car. The next part of their plan was to speed away and enjoy the rest of the evening driving around in such a cool car. However, there was one thing they failed to take into account. The car had a stick shift and neither one of them knew how to drive it. They quickly stalled the car and, try as they might, couldn’t get it to go. By the time they decided to give up, police officers were nearby and were quickly able to apprehend our bozos

Bozo criminals for today from San Antonio, Texas prove that love does indeed conquer all. It seems bozo Trelia Wilson went into the the local Family Dollar store and attempted to shoplift a couple of items before being detained by store employees. Her boyfriend was watching from the getaway car and, when he saw she was having problems, came inside to help her. Employees let our two bozos escape but quickly called the cops with a description of them and their car, which quickly led to their arrest. And that’s when our story took a different turn. After our bozos were arrested and taken downtown, bozo boyfriend decided this would be the perfect time to declare his love for bozo girlfriend and propose marriage. She accepted. The “happily ever after” part remains to be seen.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report. From Buffalo, New York, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who stole 24 pair of sneakers from the local Kohl’s store. Thinking this was too easy, she returned the very next day and loaded 12 more pair of sneakers into her cart and headed for the nearest exit. This time they were looking for her and she was caught and held for police. She would have been charge with petit larceny except for one thing. She just couldn’t resist bragging to the cops about her successful theft the day before. Busted! Your charges have just been raised to grand larceny.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Vero Beach, Florida, where employees of Dunkin’ Donuts told police that bozo Joseph Haynes had entered the shop several times and demanded free donuts, coffee and ice cream. His reason for the special treatment? He claimed to be a DEA and CIA agent who was working undercover at the donut shop to investigate “crooked cops.” Some not so crooked cops were called and our bozo was arrested on a felony charge of falsely impersonating an officer.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Portland, Maine, where bozo Remus Oates was involved in an accident in which he crashed his car into a fire hydrant. When the officer arrived, he asked our bozo to step out of the car to take a field sobriety test. Our bozo obviously misunderstood the request. Thinking the officer had asked for a urine test, he unzipped his pants and peed on the front tire of the officer’s cruiser. Bad idea. He’s been charged with driving drunk and indecent conduct.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Mashpee, Massachusetts, where bozo William Cox stole a number of items from local residences and cars, including coins, jewelry, and iPods, placing the stolen items into his backpack. Like the kid in the candy store, he just didn’t know when to stop and soon his backpack was so overloaded that he could barely carry it. The heavy backpack no doubt slowed him down enough that a police dog was able to track him down, leading to his arrest. It was after his arrest that the “weight” of his crimes began to take its toll. He was admitted to the hospital complaining of back pain from carrying the heavy backpack.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 009754: Write your hold up note ahead of time. From Deland, Florida, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who walked into the local Dunkin Donuts store and asked if he could borrow a pen. And what did he need the pen for? To write out his hold-up note, of course. After finishing his composition, he handed the note to the clerk and got away with a small amount of cash. Unfortunately for him, while he was writing the note, security cameras captured a nice picture of him. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Big Beaver, Pennsylvania, where bozo Jennifer Taylor checked out of the local Holiday Inn. Hotel employees called the cops when they discovered that in addition to checking herself out, she had checked out with $206 worth of items, including two comforters, two throw blankets, four pillows, an alarm clock, a coffeepot, a basket and a hair dryer. The police were able to track our bozo down at another nearby hotel. It was during questioning that she offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. She told the police that it was in fact her evil twin sister who had stolen the items. She was unable to explain why she was in possession of the stolen items and why birth records showed that she did not have a twin. She’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Aktobe, Kazakhstan, where our unidentified bozo stole a 14-pack of beer from a store. In a classic case of his eyes being bigger than his stomach, he drank 8 bottles and then returned to the store to give back the other 6 bottles that he no longer wanted. No word on whether he was planning to ask for a refund, as he was promptly placed under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Las Vegas, Nevada, where bozo Ryan Duncan broke into a residence and stole 22 items, worth more than $2000. And just when it looked like he might have committed the perfect crime, police noticed a small blue piece of paper underneath the kitchen window that had been pried open. And it was not just any old piece of paper, either. This particular blue piece of paper happened to be a warrant for our bozo’s arrest, complete with his name and home address on it. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada. Our unidentified bozo was driving a stolen pickup truck when he was spotted by the cops. Instead of pulling over when the cop turned on his lights, our bozo sped away. The officer didn’t engage in a high-speed chase, but it turned out he didn’t need to, as our bozo crashed the truck into a house a short distance away. By the time officers arrived, our bozo had fled the scene and police dogs were called in to aid in the search. It didn’t take long for the dogs to sniff out his hiding place. And it was maybe in the first place a dog would look. The found him cowering in a dog house in a nearby backyard. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Charleroi, Pennsylvania, where bozo David Tarver stopped at the police station to discuss an undisclosed matter with officers. When the officer excused himself to go into the patrol room to retrieve his cell phone, our bozo followed him. It was after our bozo had left the station house that the cops noticed something was missing. A bag of marijuana that had been seized in a separate case. It was after our bozo was arrested just outside the police station, in possession of the pot, that he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the officers he couldn’t resist picking up the pot because, “The bud smelled so good.” Busted!

Bozo criminals for today from Broward County Florida had a very involved plan to make big bucks. Seventy-year-old bozo Margaret Payne and her 46 year-old son Michael would go into Toys R Us stores and pick out big boxes containing cheap toys. They would then empty those boxes and replace the cheap stuff with expensive items, resealing the boxes and checking out before store security was aware what was going on. It was an ambitious plan, too as our bozos had dreams of robbing stores in all 50 states and then selling their loot online for millions of dollars. But their plan had one fatal flaw. Officers investigating the thefts noticed that the purchases where being made using a store loyalty card. Oops. Officers were able to use information on the loyalty card to track down and arrest our bozos.

Bozo criminals for today may be crooks, but at least their mamas taught them some manners. From Ypsilanti Township, Michigan comes the story of two teenage bozos who broke into a residence and were rummaging around when they were surprised by a next door neighbor who heard the sound of glass breaking. The neighbor spotted the bozos and, knowing something was up, ordered them both to sit still and be quiet until the police arrived. Our bozos obediently followed his instructions. In spite of their good manners, they were still charged with burglary and destruction of property.