Author: dave

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 009754: Write your hold up note ahead of time. From Deland, Florida, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who walked into the local Dunkin Donuts store and asked if he could borrow a pen. And what did he need the pen for? To write out his hold-up note, of course. After finishing his composition, he handed the note to the clerk and got away with a small amount of cash. Unfortunately for him, while he was writing the note, security cameras captured a nice picture of him. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Big Beaver, Pennsylvania, where bozo Jennifer Taylor checked out of the local Holiday Inn. Hotel employees called the cops when they discovered that in addition to checking herself out, she had checked out with $206 worth of items, including two comforters, two throw blankets, four pillows, an alarm clock, a coffeepot, a basket and a hair dryer. The police were able to track our bozo down at another nearby hotel. It was during questioning that she offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. She told the police that it was in fact her evil twin sister who had stolen the items. She was unable to explain why she was in possession of the stolen items and why birth records showed that she did not have a twin. She’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Aktobe, Kazakhstan, where our unidentified bozo stole a 14-pack of beer from a store. In a classic case of his eyes being bigger than his stomach, he drank 8 bottles and then returned to the store to give back the other 6 bottles that he no longer wanted. No word on whether he was planning to ask for a refund, as he was promptly placed under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Las Vegas, Nevada, where bozo Ryan Duncan broke into a residence and stole 22 items, worth more than $2000. And just when it looked like he might have committed the perfect crime, police noticed a small blue piece of paper underneath the kitchen window that had been pried open. And it was not just any old piece of paper, either. This particular blue piece of paper happened to be a warrant for our bozo’s arrest, complete with his name and home address on it. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada. Our unidentified bozo was driving a stolen pickup truck when he was spotted by the cops. Instead of pulling over when the cop turned on his lights, our bozo sped away. The officer didn’t engage in a high-speed chase, but it turned out he didn’t need to, as our bozo crashed the truck into a house a short distance away. By the time officers arrived, our bozo had fled the scene and police dogs were called in to aid in the search. It didn’t take long for the dogs to sniff out his hiding place. And it was maybe in the first place a dog would look. The found him cowering in a dog house in a nearby backyard. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Charleroi, Pennsylvania, where bozo David Tarver stopped at the police station to discuss an undisclosed matter with officers. When the officer excused himself to go into the patrol room to retrieve his cell phone, our bozo followed him. It was after our bozo had left the station house that the cops noticed something was missing. A bag of marijuana that had been seized in a separate case. It was after our bozo was arrested just outside the police station, in possession of the pot, that he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the officers he couldn’t resist picking up the pot because, “The bud smelled so good.” Busted!

Bozo criminals for today from Broward County Florida had a very involved plan to make big bucks. Seventy-year-old bozo Margaret Payne and her 46 year-old son Michael would go into Toys R Us stores and pick out big boxes containing cheap toys. They would then empty those boxes and replace the cheap stuff with expensive items, resealing the boxes and checking out before store security was aware what was going on. It was an ambitious plan, too as our bozos had dreams of robbing stores in all 50 states and then selling their loot online for millions of dollars. But their plan had one fatal flaw. Officers investigating the thefts noticed that the purchases where being made using a store loyalty card. Oops. Officers were able to use information on the loyalty card to track down and arrest our bozos.

Bozo criminals for today may be crooks, but at least their mamas taught them some manners. From Ypsilanti Township, Michigan comes the story of two teenage bozos who broke into a residence and were rummaging around when they were surprised by a next door neighbor who heard the sound of glass breaking. The neighbor spotted the bozos and, knowing something was up, ordered them both to sit still and be quiet until the police arrived. Our bozos obediently followed his instructions. In spite of their good manners, they were still charged with burglary and destruction of property.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bradenton, Florida, where police were called to a local school building after reports of a break-in. After arriving, they discovered a shattered pane of glass at the entrance door and a naked and drunken bozo sleeping it off on a couch inside. It was after they woke him up and placed him under arrest that he came up with the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the officers that he thought he was inside his hotel room. He’s now sleeping it off in jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Scranton, Pennsylvania, where 24-year-old bozo Justin Kowalski was buying some drugs for his dealer. Don’t know for sure how it happened, but in the middle of negotiations he accidentally dialed 911 on his cell phone. And of course emergency operators are trained to listen carefully to any conversation they hear on the 911 line. After determining exactly what was going on, the operator contacted the dispatcher who sent officers over to investigate. When they arrived at his residence, they found him to be in possession of numerous drugs. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Charlottetown, Prince Edward Island, Canada where police arrested our bozo for public drunkenness. After placing him in a cell, the officers suspected that he had also been using drugs, so they ordered him to strip for a search. It was then that our bozo asked them if they had ever heard of Cyril Sneer, a cartoon character. Not waiting for an answer, our bozo tucked his genitals between his legs, bent over and began dancing like the cartoon pink aardvark does. Apparently our bozo had something that Cyril does not, a plastic baggie of drugs protruding from his bottom. It was found to contain four doses of a powerful painkiller. Busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Randy Shereda for sending in today’s report from Lake Worth, Florida, where bozo Manny Green was taken to the hospital suffering from a gunshot wound. He explained that he was bored and had built a homemade gun, using the brass tube assembly from an air conditioner gauge, a large nut, springs, and a screwdriver. He then placed the contraption in his pocket, where it promptly went off, shooting himself in the leg. This might have just been an embarrassment, except for one small problem. He’s a felon and is not allowed to have a weapon, homemade or otherwise. And then there’s the small problem of pills that were found in his pocket along with the gun. Busted! He’s been charged with possession of firearms and felony drug possession.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Marion County, Florida, where cops pulled over a 35-year-old woman for speeding. Or at least they attempted to pull her over. When she saw the police, she sped up and attempted to flee before running a stop sign and crashing into a tree. She wasn’t injured in the accident and when the officer noticed she was topless, it was then that she offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. She said she had removed her top and was en route to surprise her boyfriend. She couldn’t explain why she had to remove her top before she got to his house. She’s been charged with fleeing and eluding law enforcement.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Paula Keiser for sending in today’s report from Wichita, Kansas. It seems a homeowner returned home and surprised two bozo burglars who were inside stealing electronic items. The bozos quickly fled on foot, which would probably have been a good idea except for the fact that they had arrived in a vehicle. Yep, they ran away, leaving their getaway car behind. And to further complicate matters, one of the bozos returned a short time later and drove the car back to her apartment. Unfortunately for her, the cops followed her home and found the stolen items inside the apartment. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada, where our unidentified bozo needed some new clothes. So, he did what any bozo would do, he looked around until he saw a clothes line with some nice, freshly washed clothes on it. But instead of simply grabbing the clothes off the line and running away, our bozo took off his own clothes and put on the new ones, right there on the spot. Unfortunately for him, he was spotted by the homeowner who yelled at him to stop. Not only did our bozo stop, he took off the new clothes he had put on and got dressed again in his old dirty ones. However, he forgot one crucial piece of evidence. He had already placed his wallet and ID in the new clothes. And he forgot to remove them when he put his old clothes back on. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from the seldom seen four-legged file. Sherwood, Arkansas cops were called to a report of a bull running loose in a neighborhood. When they arrived, they saw a man slapping and trying to guide the bull. As the patrol car drew nearer, the animal reared up and pinned the man against the vehicle. It was then that things took a rather nasty turn. The confused bull, according to the deputy’s report, “tried to mate” with the man and the car. Fortunately the bull quickly became distracted by a passing truck and took off after it. Eventually the bull was caught and returned home. The patrol car suffered minor damage. The man probably suffered emotional damage. No word on whether assault charges will be filed against the bull.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fort Walton Beach, Florida, where police were called to a bar to investigate a report of a drug dealer on the premises. They quickly narrowed down their search to bozo Herminio Rodriguez, who adamantly denied that he was dealing drugs. And to prove his innocence to the cops, he turned his pants pockets inside out to show that they were indeed empty. Except that they weren’t. When he pulled out his pockets, a bag of cocaine fell to the floor. Oops. He’s busted!

The extreme heat around much of the country continues to bring out the worst in our bozos, an example being today’s story from Belleville, Illinois. Sweltering in triple digit temperatures, our bozo couple decided the best way to cool off was to take a dip in a swimming pool. Sounds like a good idea, except for three crucial mistakes. Number one, it wasn’t their pool, and the neighbor who did own the pool didn’t like it. Number two, they forgot their bathing suits and jumped in totally naked. And number three, it was 11:30 in the morning and the pool and its naked intruders were in full view of neighborhood children. And with that third strike, they were placed under arrest.

Our bozo for today from Peoria Arizona may be a criminal in the eyes of the law but we can certainly sympathize with his actions. Peoria police were called to a band camp where 52 Peoria high school students were practicing until late in the evening. According to reports, our unidentified bozo got out of his vehicle waving a gun and yelled at the students, “Stop making noise! Morning and afternoon is OK, but nighttime is not.” He then then got back into his car and left. Police are still looking for our bozo. No word on whether evening practices have been curtailed.

Bozo Criminal for today comes from Port Orange, Florida, where bozo John Parker accidentally shot himself in the hand. After receiving treatment at the hospital, our bozo and his wife invited police officers to come to their home to show them how to “safely unload and store” his guns. Sounds like a good idea, except for one tiny detail. On the second floor of his home was a large marijuana growing operation, with 46 plants. Our bozo attempted to throw his wife under the bus, saying he never went up to the second floor and it was solely her operation. The cops didn’t buy this excuse and both our bozo and his wife were busted.