Author: dave

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Carlisle, Cumbria, England. Bozo Brian Helms was caught on CCTV breaking into a van, where he and an accomplice stole a nailgun, cordless drill and charger. Their crime spree continued down the street where they broke into a Ford Focus and grabbed a silver ring. But wait, there’s more. A couple of miles down the road they stole a wooden wishing well off a doorstep before dumping it on a nearby street. They then attempted to use a garden chair to climb up and break into a nearby home but failed to gain access. Video footage alone would probably have been enough to have our bozo placed under arrest, but there was one more thing…and this is what landed him on the bozo report. Somewhere along the way he stepped in dog poo and left a footprint. And he was still wearing those shoes, with dog poo attached, when the cops grabbed him. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Wildwood, Florida, where bozo Oquavious Davis was enjoying a bologna sandwich while having fun on his PlayStation 5. Unfortunately, one man’s fun, especially if he’s making too much racket, can lead to problems. Such was the case with Oquavious’s stepfather, in whose house our bozo was staying in while on probation. Stepdad asked our bozo to keep the noise down and one thing led to another, culminating in our bozo hurling his bologna sandwich at his stepdad, hitting him in the chest. The cops were called and while the victim “had no visible injuries” from the meat missile, he had somehow managed to record the whole incident on his cell phone. What would have normally been a misdemeanor domestic incident was upgraded to a felony due to our bozo’s prior battery convictions, both of which involved video games. Maybe he should take up something calmer, like Hacky Sack.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Craig Sullivan for sending in today’s report from Bullhead City, Arizona. It seems there had been a couple of bank robberies in town recently, leading to the release of surveillance photos from the heists. The photos were pretty clear, too, and even included a picture of the robber’s getaway truck. And to help with the investigation a $1000 reward was being offered for information leading to the arrest of the suspect. Pretty much straightforward stuff, and then the true bozo nature of the suspect was revealed. It seems a concerned citizen had recognized our bozo robber from the photos that had been made public and, as luck would have it, he happened to encounter said bozo. We’re not exactly sure what happened next, but it would seem the concerned citizen called the robber out and even pointed a gun at him. Well, this was just too much for our bozo to take. He fled the scene and went straight to police headquarters. No, not to turn himself in, but instead to complain to the cops that someone had the NERVE to accuse him of being a bank robber and had threatened him with a gun. Bad, bad idea. The cops recognized him as well and executed a search warrant on his vehicle. His truck contained all of the clothing, including the sunglasses, hat and masks, that matched what he wore during the robberies. Detectives also discovered the notes he had used to demand money from the bank tellers. Busted! And booked into jail on two bank robbery charges.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Anthony Lucero for sending in today’s report from Los Angeles, California. It would seem we have our first ever violation of Bozo Rule #987767 which states: You can’t carjack a driverless car. In case you don’t know, LA has several driverless Waymo robotaxis prowling the streets. Our bozo hopped in and attempted to commandeer the vehicle but he was thwarted by remote technicians who disabled the car. Stumped by this technology, our bozo seemingly didn’t know what to do and remained inside. Maybe he was threatening to yank out the computer’s chips. Anyway, he stayed in the car until police arrived in riot gear. He was removed and placed under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from the International File in Qualicum Beach, Vancouver Island, British Columbia, Canada. On New Year’s Eve around 5:30 p.m., police received a report of a possible drunken driver. When the cops arrived they found not one, but two vehicles stopped on the side of the road. Apparently our bozo had decided to take matters into his own hands and was instructing the alleged drunken driver to go no further. Officers determined the first driver to be sober and merely having trouble driving in the dark. Our bozo on the other hand was found to be intoxicated and was arrested. His car was impounded for 30 days and he was prohibited from driving for 90 days. And maybe the judge should have issued a Mind Your Own Business order also.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Don Reese for sending in another tale of a bozo full of the Christmas Spirit. Maybe too full…Police in Leonardtown, Maryland, were called to the Holy Angels Catholic Church during mass on Christmas Eve. It seems bozo Thomas Green was causing a disturbance by rolling an onion down the aisle of the church. And when a parishioner escorted him outside he pelted the poor man with tangerines. His mission there complete, the cops sent him home. Instead, our bozo headed over to the St. Francis Xavier Catholic Church where he poured whiskey into the holy water and threatened to hit anyone who tried to intervene with a whiskey bottle. The cops arrived and hauled him off to St. Mary’s hospital for evaluation. He was charged with second degree assault, disorderly conduct, defacing religious property, obstructing a religious exercise, a religious crime against a group, threat of mass violence and disturbing the peace.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Anthony Lucero for sending in today’s report from Fall River, Massachusetts. Cops were executing a search warrant at a residence when our two bozos made a quick exit, going out a window and up to the roof. Bozo number one leapt from the roof to a parked car while bozo number two, obviously full of the holiday spirit, decided to go down the chimney. Unfortunately, this isn’t as easy as Santa makes it look and our 109 pound bozo quickly found himself stuck. Officers made sure he could breathe while the Fall River Fire Department was called to help with his extraction. After enough bricks were chipped away to free him he was taken to a hospital where he was medically cleared just in time to be charged with possession of Class A drugs, Class B drugs and multiple charges from outstanding warrants. Bozo number one was also arrested and charged.

Bozo Criminal for today comes from Caseville, Michigan, where the cops responded to a breaking and entering at a vacation residence. Upon arrival, they found our bozo sound asleep in the master bedroom. Further investigation revealed there had been a report of a break in a couple of days before. After being questioned, our bozo admitted he was indeed the repeat offender, admitting that he had broken in for a snooze at least three times in the past month. While we realize that everyone needs a good night’s sleep, you’re still busted! Charged with three counts of breaking and entering a residence.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Clearwater, Florida, where Bozo Melonie Mayer paid a visit to the local Cane’s Chicken Fingers restaurant. After exiting the drive-thru our bozo discovered she was missing 8 containers of the famous Cane’s dipping sauce that was supposed to come with her order. She promptly entered the restaurant and demanded that the manager give her the sauce. The manager complied but apparently that just wasn’t good enough for our bozo, who then demanded that she should get extra sauces in exchange for “wasting her time and gas.” When the manager denied the extra sauce demand, our bozo became irate, yelling and screaming and and attempting to tear the manager’s keys and ID lanyard from her belt. The cops were called and our bozo was arrested and taken to jail. And the cost of a container of the sauce that caused all this? Thirty nine cents.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Cape Coral, Florida. Today’s social media is full of “influencers”, people who post basically everything going on in their lives for the whole world to see. Here is our first known instance of an influencer who was moonlighting as a Bozo. It seems 22 year-old Martina Chavez visited the local Target store and loaded her shopping cart with $500 worth of merchandise. When it came time to self-check out, instead of scanning the items our bozo instead scanned false barcodes with cheaper prices. She was allowed to leave but employees alerted the local cops, along with a video of the deed. The cops posted the video, asking for the public’s help in identifying the suspect. It didn’t take long before the tip line was ringing with our bozo’s ID. But here’s where it gets weird. The cops discovered our bozo was a very popular TikTok star, with over 300,000 followers. And she had even posted a video of herself placing the items in her cart and loading them into her car. No, she didn’t tell her followers she hadn’t paid for the loot. Busted! Charged with petty theft.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Don Reese for bringing us this report from Bradenton, Florida. The recent damage from Hurricane Milton also brought out a spike in bozo activity. Bozo Veronica Tellez applied for hurricane assistance, claiming that damage from the hurricane forced her to move out of her home. Her request for $8000 was approved and now all she had to do was stop by city offices to pick up her check. So far, so good, right? Wrong. It seems our bozo had filed a fraudulent claim, using her mother’s name, drivers license and social security to apply. A sharp-eyed city employee noticed the difference in appearance between our bozo and her mother’s picture on the ID. And that’s when she came up with the Bozo Excuse of the Day. She said looked good because she had recently “undergone botox treatments.” Uh-huh. It was then requested that she come back tomorrow to pick up the check and when she did the cops were waiting for her. Busted! Charged with filing a fraudulent insurance claim.

Over the years, we’ve heard a lot of insurance fraud stories but the sheer bozo-ness of this one puts it at the top of the list. Four bozos in Los Angeles hatched a scheme to claim that the interior of their 2010 Rolls Royce was destroyed by a bear. And to provide proof, they even had a video surveillance tape showing the bear doing the deed. That ultimately turned out to be their downfall. Insurance investigators immediately claimed it was a man in a bear suit tearing up the car’s interior. A couple of things sealed the deal. First, the scratch marks were perfectly straight, something that most likely wouldn’t have happened with a real bear. And, second, the way the bear opened the car door so easily using his “paw” was suspect. And then there’s that bear suit that was found in one of our bozo’s homes. Busted! Charged with insurance fraud and conspiracy.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Melbourne East, Australia, where a very exclusive bottle of Johnnie Walker Scotch was on display at the local liquor store. And we’re talking really exclusive, the price tag on the Masters of Flavour edition was $62,000 Australian dollars. Our bozo was captured on video talking to employees about the bottle just before he was seen exiting the store clutching the front of his pants. Yep, he stuffed the bottle of Scotch down his pants before walking out. Unfortunately for him the video enabled the cops to make a quick arrest before he was even able to enjoy it on the rocks.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Sandusky, Ohio, where bozo Robert Martin had a fun night on the town, hitting his favorite bars. Closing time came and he climbed into his car to head home. So far, so good. But somewhere along the way he must have taken a wrong turn and before you know it, he found himself hopelessly lost. And instead of pulling over and sleeping it off, he did what any bozo would do. He dialed 911 and asked for directions to his house. Bad idea. The dispatcher realized he was intoxicated and dispatched officers to his location. Busted! Charged with DUI.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Anthony Lucero for sending in today’s report from Portland, Oregon, where the cops pulled Bozo Reginald Ross over for a routine traffic stop. Pretty quickly it became evident that this stop was anything but routine. A quick search of the car turned up a number of items, including a brown bag that said on it “Definitely Not a Bag Full of Drugs.” Oh, really? Obviously the bag was mis-labeled as the cops found inside a large amount of methamphetamine. Also inside the car were a loaded .357 handgun, as well as a bag of meth and $1,360 in cash. He additionally had pills that he told the officers were oxycontin and baggies commonly used for selling drugs. Busted! Our bozo and his friend face charges of drug possession, possession of a stolen vehicle and methamphetamine trafficking.

Bozo criminals for today attempted to take advantage of the recent hurricane damage in Florida. As Hurricane Helene was approaching, many areas of Madiera Beach were closed to public access. One of those areas was a strip center whose tenants included a realtor, a gift shop selling crystals and shark teeth, and a store selling Donald Trump merchandise. Now, if you are a couple of bozos and want to make a quick buck selling stolen merchandise, which place would you hit? If you guessed the Trump store, you’re right! They didn’t get far as one of our bozos just couldn’t resist wearing that nice Trump cowboy hat he had just pilfered. When the cops approached and asked what they were doing with all the Trump stuff, they offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. They told them it “washed up in the hurricane.” Sorry you’re busted! Charged with burglarizing an unoccupied structure, a felony, and loitering and prowling, a misdemeanor. They are each locked up in the county jail in lieu of $2500 bond and have been ordered by a judge to stay away from the Trump store.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Don Reese for sending in today’s report from Pawnee County, Oklahoma. Bozo Cody Alexander was scheduled to appear in court on charges of unauthorized use of a motor vehicle. One problem…he had no means of transportation to get to court. So he headed down to the local OnCue convenience store and began asking strangers if they could give him a lift. When he found no takers, his mind went into full Bozo mode. Looking around the parking lot, he spotted a Lifenet Emergency Medical Services vehicle that was left running and unattended. That was just too much to resist. He hopped in the truck and drove more than 30 miles to court. During the drive, the truck’s owners reported the vehicle as stolen, and, as luck would have it, a trooper just happened to be driving by the courthouse and noticed the truck parked outside. The officer went inside and our bozo was placed under arrest. But wait, the story doesn’t end there. The cop asked our bozo what time his court appearance was scheduled for and allowed him to wait comfortably in the cruiser until he was due to appear. He then walked him in, handcuffed. Not the best look.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Lawrence County, Missouri, which features a violation of Bozo Rule Number 22733: If you’re wanted, it’s a good idea to stay off social media. The Aurora and Marionville Police Police department asked for help from the public in tracking down our bozo, posting his name on their social media account and asking for anyone with information concerning his whereabouts to please come forward. And the first response to the post? None other than our bozo who said, “Aurora and Marionville Police Department What’s Up?” The cops responded and our bozo went back and forth with them on line, leading to his arrest for operating a vehicle without a valid license, three counts of resisting arrest for a felony, receiving stolen property, unlawful possession of a firearm, possession of controlled substances, first-degree burglary and stealing.

Bozo criminal for today comes from that hotbed of bozo activity, the state of Florida. Specifically, the city of Flagler. Police were called to the local Target after a manager reported our bozo had walked out of the store without paying for a $539 electric scooter. Now, if you were a bozo and you had just shoplifted an expensive scooter, what would you do? A. Hop into a waiting getaway car with you stolen merchandise. B. Run as fast as you can and get away from the scene. C. Sit down in front of the store and start assembling it so you can enjoy your new toy. If you selected “C”, congratulations, you show a keen understanding of the Bozo Mind. That’s exactly what he did. He was still working on it when the cops arrived and gave him a free ride to jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Ann Arbor, Michigan, where bozo Corey Hampton was scheduled to appear before the judge on a driving with a suspended license charge. The court had allowed his appearance to be by a Zoom call, so the judge was rather surprised when the first words out of our bozo’s mouth were, “Actually, I’m pulling into my doctor’s office … So just give me one second.” Yep, a guy who had his license suspended was driving while he checked in with the judge. Busted! He was ordered to report to the county jail by 6pm. And you can add a charge of holding a cell phone while driving, which is illegal in Michigan.