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Bozo criminal for today comes from Largo, Florida. Bozo Anna Mason was working at a rec center when she complimented a co-worker on her insulated Stanley Cup, saying, “That would be great to hold my breast milk.” When the cup showed up missing shortly thereafter, surveillance footage showed our bozo hiding the cup in her lunch box. Busted! Charged with Stanley Cup theft.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Anthony Lucero for sending in today’s report from Pierce County, Washington. Bozo Duane Perry led the cops on a high speed chase in a stolen Corvette before one of the officers, using a PIT maneuver, caused the vehicle to become stuck in an embankment. The car was impounded and our bozo arrested at the scene. End of story, right? Nope. This guy just had a thing for this Corvette. A few weeks later deputies answered a call at the towing service. Gates had been cut overnight and the Corvette in question had been stolen from the lot. Using cellphone data, police were able to determine that out bozo was at or near the lot the night the car was stolen and that he was near where the police recovered the car after it had been abandoned. Busted! Charged with burglary and motor vehicle theft.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Traverse City, Michigan, where bozo Moncia Monroe had been banned from the local CVS for allegedly shoplifting a bottle of wine which she consumed in the store’s restroom. A few days later she showed up at the store again and the police were called. She was placed under arrest, handcuffed and placed in the squad car. Here we should note that she got into the back seat of the vehicle with “considerable difficulty.” She was then booked into the county jail and during a “final check of the suspect’s person” a female officer noticed that she had “concealed a 750 ml bottle of Cupcake Vinyards Pinot Grigio inside her person.” Huh? Upon removal from her lady parts, the wine was uncorked and destroyed, due to biohazard concerns. She remains jailed on a prison contraband felony charge and misdemeanor trespassing charges.

One recurring theme throughout the files of the Bozo Criminal Report is nudity. It seems many bozos show a proclivity for committing their crimes buck naked. Such was the case in today’s report, sent in by Bozo News Hawk Anthony Lucero. Residents of a posh neighborhood in Centreville, Virginia, had been complaining about a series of break-ins in which the would-be thief was wearing only a pair of shoes and a mask fashioned out of a piece of blue cloth. Officers quickly sprang into action and set up a stake-out in a neighborhood frequented by out bozo. Sure enough, he showed up in his birthday suit just before dawn. A high-tech chase ensued with police tracking him through the area with the help of a drone. He was placed under arrest after jumping a fence and attempting to hide in a nearby residence. Busted! And charged with multiple accounts of burglary, attempted burglary and indecent exposure.

In the history of the Bozo Report, there are a few time honored Bozo Escape Routes that belong in the hall of fame for their sheer futility. And at the top of that list is the ol’ Climb Through the Attic Getaway. Our story for today contains yet another example. Police in Brownsville, Tennessee were executing a warrant at a residence in connection with a hit and run accident. Initial investigation failed to turn up anything and the K-9 team was brought in. The dogs quickly alerted the officers to the attic area of the house and then…Boom. Our bozo comes crashing down through the ceiling. After it was determined he was not seriously injured, he was dusted off and taken to jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Singapore. Two things you should know about Singapore. One, they take law enforcement very seriously, as was evidenced a few years ago when an American received a caning after he was convicted of spraying cars with spray paint. Two, orange juice is very popular in Singapore, so popular, in fact, that they have sidewalk vending machines called Ijooz that dispense the fresh juice. And for your convenience these machines also have a rack of free straws to use in drinking your beverage. Now, this brings us to our bozo French teenager and wannabe influencer who decided to take a video of himself removing a straw from the dispenser, licking it, and placing it back in the dispenser. No big deal, right? Wrong. Remember this is Singapore. After the video went viral, the cops sprang into action, tracking down and arresting our bozo. Busted! Charged with public nuisance, punishable for up to three months in prison and a $2000 fine. The second charge is even worse, “mischief”, with a jail term of up to two years and a fine, or both. All for licking a straw. He is currently awaiting sentencing.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Chesterfield, South Carolina. Bozo Patrick Adams was booked into jail for allegedly trespassing at a church. After spending the night in lockup, the judge set his bail on the misdemeanor charge at $250. Our bozo asked to retrieve his backpack so he could take care of the bail. He proceeded to pull out a roll of cash, handing the judge $300 and telling him to “Keep the change.” That in itself is a bad idea but what followed caused him more problems. Noticing that the color of the bills seemed off, the judge flipped one of them over and noticed Chinese writing on the back. Oops. Back to jail. With additional charges of forgery and contempt of court.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bowling Green, Kentucky, where the cops found our intoxicated bozo slumped over the controls of his vehicle. Except in this case the vehicle was a horse. Yep in a scene right out of the old Lee Marvin movie Cat Ballou, the cops found bozo Jorge Garcia passed out upon his horse on a residential street, with a bag from the liquor store tied to the saddle horn. When questioned by the cops, he told them he was just trying to get home. After failing field sobriety tests, he was booked into the jail for the night. The horse was placed in protective custody.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk John Schenato for sending in today’s report from Sarasota, Florida. It seems our bozo did extensive research online and located an active Iranian embassy contact form. So, did he try to negotiate a cease fire in the current war? Nope. Maybe try get both sides talking about a deescalation of hostilities? Nah. Offer his mother-in-law in exchange for two American hostages held overseas? Yep. But he wasn’t willing to do a straight up trade. He wanted the Iranians to sweeten the deal by throwing in a “$400-$600 gift card from Home Depot or somewhere similar.” Not sure how the word got back to US authorites but federal agents showed up at his door last week and his first words for them was “Have you heard back yet?” At this point our bozo has not been charged with a crime but we advise that he obtain a good divorce attorney as soon as possible.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, where the South Hills Village Mall was having its annual “Pictures with the Easter Bunny” event. According to the police report, our 36-year-old bozo approached the bunny and began asking personal questions, at which time bunny directed him to talk to her assistant. Apparently not satisfied with his query as to whether the bunny was a boy or girl, our bozo inappropriately touched the bunny costume and even shoved his fingers into the mouth of the poor rabbit’s head. When the cops questioned him about the alleged assault, he said, “It’s just a doll, right?” Nope. Busted! Charged with indecent assault and harrassment.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Anthony Lucero for sending in today’s report from Anchorage, Alaska. Over the years we’ve reported on Bozos armed with various weapons, from pickles to burgers to the more conventional guns and knives. But today is our first ever case of a bozo robbing a bank with Jesus as a weapon. Bozo Dalton Jennings walked into an Anchorage Credit Union and handed the teller a note saying, “I have a weapon. And that weapon I am armed with is the power & authority of Jesus Christ. Empty the drawer into an envelope do not set off the alarm. Thank you.” The teller, not wanting to risk getting on Jesus’s bad side, emptied the till of cash and handed it to our bozo, who headed to the Costco across the street. And that’s were the cops arrested him, and when they noticed he was wearing an ankle monitor from a previous arrest. Busted! On the way to lock-up our bozo asked the officers if he would be getting any of his money back. Only if Jesus is on the defense team.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Prince George, British Columbia, Canada, where nothing much gets past the RCMP. Certainly not a guy driving a hot pink kids size Barbie Jeep down Fifteenth Avenue during morning rush hour. And you should know that, under Canadian law, anything powered by more than human muscle counts as a motor vehicle, including Barbie-mobiles. Turns out our bozo had a suspended license and was determined to be driving while impaired. No big surprise there. His plea that he was just “headed down to get a Slurpee” didn’t fly. Busted!! Charged with DUI and driving without a license.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Indian River County, Florida, where the sheriff’s department was throwing their annual BBQ fundraiser. Attendees were offered tours of the facility, SWAT and K-9 demonstrations and $7 a plate BBQ. To help serve the BBQ, the department utilized the help of several jail “trustees” including our bozo, who was serving time on drug possession charges. It would seem that a big plate of BBQ wasn’t all our bozo was offering up, as security cameras caught him leaving his post on the hot line and walking 50 yards to a group of port-a-potties. There he is alleged to have engaged in “an unauthorized conjugal visit (to hook up or have sexual intercourse)” with a woman who was identified as having been released from the county jail two months before. Hope he enjoyed his quickie. He’s been charged with “prisoner escape or attempted escape,” a second-degree felony punishable by up to 15 additional years in prison.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Anthony Lucero for sending in today’s report from the International File in Milan, Italy. It seems our bozo, a 44-year-old Slovak national had been on the run from Italian cops for 16 years on an outstanding warrant for a string of burglaries. He was living outside Italy and out of reach of the cops when he got this hankering to see the Slolvakian hockey team take part in this year’s Olympics. He barely had time to get himself checked into a guesthouse on the outskirts of Milan before the cops came knocking on his door. Busted! And headed back to prison to serve the 11 months remaining on his sentence. Maybe he can catch the games on Peacock.

Our bozo criminals for today come from Jasper County, Texas, where deputies were called to a report of break-in at a residence. The homeowner told the cops that she had been in an argument with two women earlier in the evening and they had broken into her home and assaulted her. “Yes, ma’am. Would these two women be the same women whose vehicle is stuck in the mud in your driveway?” Busted! Charged with second degree burglary of a habitation.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Derbyshire, England, where the cops were chasing a thief but lost him when he leapt over a fence and onto a farmer’s property. This turned out to be a really bad idea. This farmer has eight llamas who are very possessive about their territory. The animals, which can reach a height of 6 feet and have an nasty habit of spitting, quickly surrounded our bozo, making a terrible racket. He was held in check by the llamas until the cops arrived. After his release from llama custody, he was arrested and charged with theft.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Ken Landers for sending in today’s report from the International File in Flin Flon, Manitoba, Canada. Residents of Flin Flon were understandably excited about the creation of the Snow Lodge, built almost entirely of ice and snow, and designed for hosting dinners, concerts and other events. One of the only parts of the structure not made of snow or ice was the front door, a piece of plywood painted white. Now, if you were a bozo living in Flin Flon and looking for something to steal, what would you grab? That plywood front door, of course. Witnesses reported someone driving a Ford Bronco removed said door and made off with it. Fortunately, the RCMP, acting on tips from the public, sprang into action and recovered the door, and a second unrelated door, from a nearby residence. In the interim, a temporary door had been installed but city officials say they will save the door and plan to use it on an even bigger and better Snow Palace next year. At last report, the RCMP was still searching for our bozo door thief, who was not at home when the stolen door was recovered.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Kissimmee, Florida where cops were called to the Windsor Hills Resort on a report of a disturbance. When they arrived, there was no longer a disturbance going on but residents showed the officers cell phone videos that were certainly disturbing. According to the police report the video showed our bozo engaged in “intimate contact with a vacuum cleaner.” Yep, a vacuum cleaner. Further investigation revealed the identity of “Mr. Hoover” and it seems he has been accused of several other acts of public lewdness in the past. Busted! Charged with indecent exposure. Lawyers are now lining up to represent the vacuum cleaner.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Denver, Colorado, where bozo Charles Moreno allegedly attempted a hold-up at the US Bank. He handed the teller a note and got away with an undetermined amount of cash. He was caught on security cameras and those photos, shared by police, led to his identification and arrest. So, what makes this bozo-worthy? Apparently in 2018, this same bozo wrote an autobiograpny, “The Life of an Outlaw”, which detailed his previous bank heists, arrest, and time served in prison. He’s headed back inside. Charged with bank robbery, a federal offense, punishable by up to 20 years in prison.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Don Reese for sending in today’s report from Pinellas, Park, Florida. Bozo Damon Hill was spotted trying to re-create a scene from the movie Titanic while doing 105 mph. The cops reported our bozo was flying down U.S. Highway 19 with his arms outstretched “like Jack from the Titanic.” He was pulled over and was one of the first recipients of charges under the new Florida Super Speeder Law which imposes more severe charges on drivers doing in excess of 100 mph. Li’l Jack Junior has been charged with reckless driving and dangerous excessive speeding.