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A first for today in the Bozo Criminal Report. The first known arrest for driving a couch. Yep, a couch. Police in Charlotte, North Carolina, were called to a report of an unauthorized vehicle driving down Tyron Street. Further investigation determined the “vehicle” was actually a love seat carefully placed on top of two Lime electric scooters. The awkward setup required a bozo on either side of the comfy chair to steer it. No report on what charges were filed but the love seat is now in the impound lot.

We all know there are many reasons for buckling up when driving, but today’s report provides a new one. It can keep you from the humiliation of landing on the Bozo Criminal Report. Today’s story comes from Flint, Michigan, where the cops spotted our bozo driving without his seat belt around 2:30 am. A routine check turned up a polymer handgun hidden under the front street. It had no serial number and was equipped with an extended magazine and a device that allowed it to fire fully automatically. Busted! And you’ve got a lot more to worry about than a seatbelt violation, pal. Those are felony firearms violations you’re facing.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Rosenberg, Texas, where our unidentified bozo was struck with an urgent call of nature around 4:30 a.m. Sunday. Now, there are not a lot of options in Rosenberg at that hour, and when he spotted a large Kroger store, he thought surely they would be open and have an available restroom. Sadly, he found the doors locked tight. But, undeterred, he did what any bozo in distress would do. Use brute force. He crashed his car through the store’s pharmacy entrance. Bad idea. While he did find an available restroom, he also found the police waiting for him when he had done his business. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Largo, Florida, where the cops were called to a report of a domestic disturbance. The victim reported that she was fed up with her boyfriend “farting in bed” and asked him to cease and desist. He didn’t take well to her request and attempted to place a choke hold on her but she fought him off, biting his finger in the process. Order was restored and our serial farter was charged with domestic battery by strangulation.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Mankato, Minnesota, where bozo Andrew Setzer had a thriving drug business going, selling magic mushrooms, THC concentrate and other goodies to customers on and around the campus of Minnesota State University. Being an entrepreneurial type, he developed a rather unique approach to growing his business. He printed up “loyalty cards” which he gave to his customers, offering them a discount on their next purchase. Maybe he did a little too good a job of promoting himself as he attracted the attention of undercover cops who made a deal to purchase two pounds of mushrooms and a pound of marijuana from him. Busted! Charged with seven felony drug counts, two of which carry maximum sentences of 40 years in prison (and mandatory minimums of 86 months in custody). Among the items seized by the cops was a large stack of “Flowerdady Loyalty Cards.”

Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Petersburg, Florida, where the cops were called to a report of a disturbance at a construction site. Upon arrival, officers found our bozo, completely naked and lying atop a wooded pallet in full view of a group of construction workers. And she wasn’t just lying there. Eyewitnesses reported she was pleasuring herself. And that would explain her Bozo Excuse of the Week. She told the cops she “Just wanted to feel good.” Hope she enjoyed herself. She’s busted! Charged with indecent exposure.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Dalton, New Hampshire. Firefighters were called to a report of a fire at a residence and when they arrived they found the home fully engulfed in flames. While they were working to get the blaze under control, the homeowner, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, decided to take one of the fire department vehicles for a little joy ride. While driving, he struck another fire engine that was engaged in firefighting operations, ran over multiple water supply lines and narrowly avoided running down three firefighters. But he wasn’t done. A homeowner nearby reported that he had crashed onto their property and was actively trying to steal items off the front porch. Troopers arrived and caught him trying to break into the rear of the residence. Hope you had fun as you’re busted! And charged with three counts of reckless conduct with a deadly weapon, obstructing government administration, felony theft by unauthorized taking, four counts of conduct after an accident, burglary and resisting arrest and detention.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Pleasant Prairie, Wisconsin. Our tale of misadventure begins just before 1 am when security cameras at Pleasant Prairie Fire Station No. 3 caught someone driving away in a fire department pickup truck. Perhaps our bozo was colorblind or maybe she just didn’t care that the truck she had just stolen was bright red and emblazoned with a number of symbols indicating was an official fire department vehicle, making it really easy to spot. It wasn’t long after she grabbed the truck that she decided to try to get something to eat by using the two way radio inside. Dispatchers reported her exact words were, “I’m hungry, you got food in there?” When the cops pulled her over, the officer noticed she was naked and her dress was in the bed of the truck. Her response to why was “I’m supposed to be meeting someone.” Right now the only person she’s meeting will be the judge and we hope she remembers her dress. She’s charged with operating a motor vehicle without the owner’s consent.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Ken Landers for sending in today’s report from Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada. The cops were called to a report of a missing pussycat. What made the case interesting was that the cat’s owner had received a ransom note from the bozo thief, demanding cash for the safe return of the puss. Didn’t take much investigating to turn up the ransomer, as the woman told the cops her neighbor had delivered the letter demanding money in exchange for the kitty’s return. Busted! And Sylvester is home safe and sound.

Over lo these many years of doing the Bozo Report, a great deal of time and money has been spent trying to determine the exact connection between (1) being a bozo and (2) being naked. At this point a direct link has yet to be found. With that being said, once again we present our naked bozo story of the day, this one from Ellisville, Mississippi. At 9:40 PM Sunday evening, the cops pulled over bozo Karen Martin for driving erratically. As the officers approached the vehicle, a strong smell of marijuana smoke wafted out of the window. Inside, they discovered our bozo, totally unencumbered by any clothing, surrounded by any number of weapons. Included in the cache was a Glock handgun at her feet, another Glock wedged in between the seat and console, and a third Glock and two AR-15 rifles in the trunk. Busted! While she claimed the weapons were for self defense, she had no explanation for why she was buck naked.

Bozo criminal for today comes from New York City, where the cops will tell you they’ve seen everything. We’re betting they haven’t seen this one. Our bozo, Galymzhan Abaildayev, scaled the North tower of the famous Brooklyn Bridge. He then took some flags out of his backpack and proceeded to strip off all his clothes before doing a swan dive into the river below. Unbelievably, he survived the jump from the 270 foot tall tower with only minor injuries. He’ll now have to explain his motives to the judge while facing charges of reckless endangerment, graffiti, public lewdness, criminal trespass, and disorderly conduct.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk John Schenato for sending us today’s story about a dine and dash incident in Florida. You know the routine, enter a restaurant, order your meal and walk out without paying. Simple enough, except when you factor a bozo into the equation. Apparently, the restaurant was rather busy and there was a waiting list. The maitre’d asked for a phone number so he could text them when their table was ready. Guess they forgot about that when it came time to walk the check. Oops! Busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Memphis, Tennessee, where bozo Darnell “Lil Peanut” Parker walked into the local Dollar General Store with the intent of robbing the place. However, things did not go exactly as planned. That black ski mask he was wearing? He had purchased it from the same Dollar General earlier in the day using his rewards card. Strike one. His weapon which he held under his hoodie turned out to be his finger. Strike two. And the woman behind the register? She’d known him since he was eight years old and wasn’t having any of his bull. She climbed over the register and threw him to the ground. Strike three. A couple of other DG employees then joined in and our bozo was held captive in the laundry detergent aisle until the cops arrived.

We have for you today another example of a group of bozos Foiled By Modern Technology. You are perhaps familiar with the Waymo robotaxi, a driverless vehicle that is monitored by remote operators. Such a vehicle in San Mateo, California picked up a group of rowdy teenagers who were allegedly drinking alcohol and shooting waterbeads, similar to paintballs, from toy guns out the car’s windows. Their night of fun quickly ended when the robotaxi’s remote operators took note of what was going on. They arranged a meeting point with the cops, told the teens the car was having “mechanical issues”, and that the car would be pulling over into a parking lot. The cops took the joy riders into custody and the DA is reviewing possible charges.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Brevard County, Florida, where the cops noticed bozo Rachael Clary driving erratically. They pulled her over and she initally refused to exit her vehicle, which, according to police, smelled of “burnt marijuana.” When police forcefully removed her from the car, she proceeded to attempt to walk away. Not the best idea. She was charged with resisting arrest and taken to a local jail. While conducting a routine X-ray during the intake process, an anomaly was noticed in her “lower region.” She was brought into an exam room and was seen “trying to cover her buttocks with her hand”. That ploy didn’t work as a baggie containing 3.8 grams of cocaine fell from her butt to her feet. It was at that exact moment that she offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week, denying any knowledge of the drug and saying that it “must have been placed there” during an intimate encounter. Sorry, that excuse won’t fly. Busted! Charged with introducing contraband into a correctional facility, a felony.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Wildwood, Florida, where bozo ex-con Roy Miller walked into the local Subway and ordered a sandwich. Upon being served said sandwich our bozo examined it and found that the level of freshness in the bread did not come up to his specifications. This led to a brief argument with the Subway sandwich maker which quickly ended when our bozo slapped him across the face. The cops were called and he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Day that the Subway employee had intentionally given him “old stale bread.” Busted! Charged with misdemeanor battery. Fined $860. Ordered to do 20 hours of community service and attend an anger management course. And given a lifetime ban from Subways in Sumter County.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Maricopa, Arizona, where bozo Janice Martin was pulled over by the cops after being clocked doing 108 MPH in a 65 MPH zone. Must have been some kind of family emergency, right? Nope. Maybe the driver was having a medical issue? Nah. Perhaps she was hurrying home to catch the latest episode of Love Island? Yep, that’s the Bozo Excuse of the Week she offered up to the officers. While Love Island is a highly entertaining show, that in itself is not a legitimate excuse for speeding. Her car was impounded and she was booked into jail on reckless driving and exceeding the speed limit by more than 20 MPH. No word on whether she got to catch the end of the show from jail.

Our bozo story for today comes from Palm Harbor, Florida, where the local chiropractic clinic has a history of putting clever phrases on its marquee sign. Such as, “We never crack under pressure” or “We don’t stop until everyone is cracked up.” It seems everyone got the joke until they posted one that said “Licensed crack dealer.” This was apparently just too much for our literal minded bozo who took it onto himself to use landscape bricks to destroy the sign of the local “crack” dealer. No explanation from the cops as to why our bozo thought a local chiropractic clinic might actually be in the drug business. Busted! And charged with felony criminal mischief.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Largo, Florida. Bozo Anna Mason was working at a rec center when she complimented a co-worker on her insulated Stanley Cup, saying, “That would be great to hold my breast milk.” When the cup showed up missing shortly thereafter, surveillance footage showed our bozo hiding the cup in her lunch box. Busted! Charged with Stanley Cup theft.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Anthony Lucero for sending in today’s report from Pierce County, Washington. Bozo Duane Perry led the cops on a high speed chase in a stolen Corvette before one of the officers, using a PIT maneuver, caused the vehicle to become stuck in an embankment. The car was impounded and our bozo arrested at the scene. End of story, right? Nope. This guy just had a thing for this Corvette. A few weeks later deputies answered a call at the towing service. Gates had been cut overnight and the Corvette in question had been stolen from the lot. Using cellphone data, police were able to determine that out bozo was at or near the lot the night the car was stolen and that he was near where the police recovered the car after it had been abandoned. Busted! Charged with burglary and motor vehicle theft.