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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk John Schenato for sending in today’s report from Sarasota, Florida. It seems our bozo did extensive research online and located an active Iranian embassy contact form. So, did he try to negotiate a cease fire in the current war? Nope. Maybe try get both sides talking about a deescalation of hostilities? Nah. Offer his mother-in-law in exchange for two American hostages held overseas? Yep. But he wasn’t willing to do a straight up trade. He wanted the Iranians to sweeten the deal by throwing in a “$400-$600 gift card from Home Depot or somewhere similar.” Not sure how the word got back to US authorites but federal agents showed up at his door last week and his first words for them was “Have you heard back yet?” At this point our bozo has not been charged with a crime but we advise that he obtain a good divorce attorney as soon as possible.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, where the South Hills Village Mall was having its annual “Pictures with the Easter Bunny” event. According to the police report, our 36-year-old bozo approached the bunny and began asking personal questions, at which time bunny directed him to talk to her assistant. Apparently not satisfied with his query as to whether the bunny was a boy or girl, our bozo inappropriately touched the bunny costume and even shoved his fingers into the mouth of the poor rabbit’s head. When the cops questioned him about the alleged assault, he said, “It’s just a doll, right?” Nope. Busted! Charged with indecent assault and harrassment.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Anthony Lucero for sending in today’s report from Anchorage, Alaska. Over the years we’ve reported on Bozos armed with various weapons, from pickles to burgers to the more conventional guns and knives. But today is our first ever case of a bozo robbing a bank with Jesus as a weapon. Bozo Dalton Jennings walked into an Anchorage Credit Union and handed the teller a note saying, “I have a weapon. And that weapon I am armed with is the power & authority of Jesus Christ. Empty the drawer into an envelope do not set off the alarm. Thank you.” The teller, not wanting to risk getting on Jesus’s bad side, emptied the till of cash and handed it to our bozo, who headed to the Costco across the street. And that’s were the cops arrested him, and when they noticed he was wearing an ankle monitor from a previous arrest. Busted! On the way to lock-up our bozo asked the officers if he would be getting any of his money back. Only if Jesus is on the defense team.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Prince George, British Columbia, Canada, where nothing much gets past the RCMP. Certainly not a guy driving a hot pink kids size Barbie Jeep down Fifteenth Avenue during morning rush hour. And you should know that, under Canadian law, anything powered by more than human muscle counts as a motor vehicle, including Barbie-mobiles. Turns out our bozo had a suspended license and was determined to be driving while impaired. No big surprise there. His plea that he was just “headed down to get a Slurpee” didn’t fly. Busted!! Charged with DUI and driving without a license.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Indian River County, Florida, where the sheriff’s department was throwing their annual BBQ fundraiser. Attendees were offered tours of the facility, SWAT and K-9 demonstrations and $7 a plate BBQ. To help serve the BBQ, the department utilized the help of several jail “trustees” including our bozo, who was serving time on drug possession charges. It would seem that a big plate of BBQ wasn’t all our bozo was offering up, as security cameras caught him leaving his post on the hot line and walking 50 yards to a group of port-a-potties. There he is alleged to have engaged in “an unauthorized conjugal visit (to hook up or have sexual intercourse)” with a woman who was identified as having been released from the county jail two months before. Hope he enjoyed his quickie. He’s been charged with “prisoner escape or attempted escape,” a second-degree felony punishable by up to 15 additional years in prison.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Anthony Lucero for sending in today’s report from the International File in Milan, Italy. It seems our bozo, a 44-year-old Slovak national had been on the run from Italian cops for 16 years on an outstanding warrant for a string of burglaries. He was living outside Italy and out of reach of the cops when he got this hankering to see the Slolvakian hockey team take part in this year’s Olympics. He barely had time to get himself checked into a guesthouse on the outskirts of Milan before the cops came knocking on his door. Busted! And headed back to prison to serve the 11 months remaining on his sentence. Maybe he can catch the games on Peacock.

Our bozo criminals for today come from Jasper County, Texas, where deputies were called to a report of break-in at a residence. The homeowner told the cops that she had been in an argument with two women earlier in the evening and they had broken into her home and assaulted her. “Yes, ma’am. Would these two women be the same women whose vehicle is stuck in the mud in your driveway?” Busted! Charged with second degree burglary of a habitation.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Derbyshire, England, where the cops were chasing a thief but lost him when he leapt over a fence and onto a farmer’s property. This turned out to be a really bad idea. This farmer has eight llamas who are very possessive about their territory. The animals, which can reach a height of 6 feet and have an nasty habit of spitting, quickly surrounded our bozo, making a terrible racket. He was held in check by the llamas until the cops arrived. After his release from llama custody, he was arrested and charged with theft.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Ken Landers for sending in today’s report from the International File in Flin Flon, Manitoba, Canada. Residents of Flin Flon were understandably excited about the creation of the Snow Lodge, built almost entirely of ice and snow, and designed for hosting dinners, concerts and other events. One of the only parts of the structure not made of snow or ice was the front door, a piece of plywood painted white. Now, if you were a bozo living in Flin Flon and looking for something to steal, what would you grab? That plywood front door, of course. Witnesses reported someone driving a Ford Bronco removed said door and made off with it. Fortunately, the RCMP, acting on tips from the public, sprang into action and recovered the door, and a second unrelated door, from a nearby residence. In the interim, a temporary door had been installed but city officials say they will save the door and plan to use it on an even bigger and better Snow Palace next year. At last report, the RCMP was still searching for our bozo door thief, who was not at home when the stolen door was recovered.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Kissimmee, Florida where cops were called to the Windsor Hills Resort on a report of a disturbance. When they arrived, there was no longer a disturbance going on but residents showed the officers cell phone videos that were certainly disturbing. According to the police report the video showed our bozo engaged in “intimate contact with a vacuum cleaner.” Yep, a vacuum cleaner. Further investigation revealed the identity of “Mr. Hoover” and it seems he has been accused of several other acts of public lewdness in the past. Busted! Charged with indecent exposure. Lawyers are now lining up to represent the vacuum cleaner.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Denver, Colorado, where bozo Charles Moreno allegedly attempted a hold-up at the US Bank. He handed the teller a note and got away with an undetermined amount of cash. He was caught on security cameras and those photos, shared by police, led to his identification and arrest. So, what makes this bozo-worthy? Apparently in 2018, this same bozo wrote an autobiograpny, “The Life of an Outlaw”, which detailed his previous bank heists, arrest, and time served in prison. He’s headed back inside. Charged with bank robbery, a federal offense, punishable by up to 20 years in prison.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Don Reese for sending in today’s report from Pinellas, Park, Florida. Bozo Damon Hill was spotted trying to re-create a scene from the movie Titanic while doing 105 mph. The cops reported our bozo was flying down U.S. Highway 19 with his arms outstretched “like Jack from the Titanic.” He was pulled over and was one of the first recipients of charges under the new Florida Super Speeder Law which imposes more severe charges on drivers doing in excess of 100 mph. Li’l Jack Junior has been charged with reckless driving and dangerous excessive speeding.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Anthony Lucero for sending in today’s report from Linville, Louisiana. Cops were called to a report of a naked woman standing in the driveway of a residence. By the time they arrived our 41-year-old bozo had decided to go skinny dipping in a nearby pond. She refused several requests to exit the pond, saying she was “trying to be a mermaid.” After a while, the cold temperatures got to her and she was given a blanket and invited to step into a nearby residence to warm up. That’s when the fun really began. She charged the deputy, who tased her to no effect. Using her super mermaid strength she put up quite a fight before finally being restrained. On the way to be checked out she threatened to kill the deputies and the paramedics. Ariel won’t be going swimming again anytime soon. She’s been charged with three counts of resisting an officer with force or violence, two counts of public intimidation, two counts of battery of a police officer, disturbing the peace/drunkenness, and criminal trespassing.

We start the new year off with one of the stranger bozo stories to come down the pike in a while. From Hanover, Pennsylvania, comes the story of bozo Chrystal Hampton, who walked into the Royal Farms convenience store with one thing on her mind. First, we should tell you that Royal Farms has a big refrigerated cooler with glass walls called the Beer Cave. It was in said Beer Cave that our bozo decided to do her business. Surveillance footage shows her pushing a few cases of beer around, dropping her pants and pooping on the shelves of the cave. After doing her duty she pulled up her pants and left the premises. Imagine the surprise awaiting the next person coming in for a case of their favorite beverage (maybe Schlitz?) She’s been charged with open lewdness, scattering rubbish, and criminal mischief.

Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Petersburg, Florida, where the local Red Roof Inn had several gifts for children wrapped and placed under a tree at the establishment. While we don’t know for sure how the proprietors of the inn planned to give away the gifts, we’re pretty sure our bozo threw a wrench in those plans. On Christmas morning, bozo Erica Reynolds walked in, began looking at the gifts, selected six of them and proceeded to walk out. The cops were called and after they tracked down our bozo, she said she thought the “gifts were for children.” While that may be true, she couldn’t explain her reason for taking them since she doesn’t have any kids. The total value of the gifts was only $48 and this would have been a simple case of misdemeanor theft except for the fact that she had prior convictions for stealing from Winn-Dixie and a Wawa convenience store. Busted on felony charges! She’ll spend the rest of the holiday locked up, looking at a maximum of five years in prison.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lake Crystal, Minnesota, where the cops received a rather unusual complaint. Several of our bozo’s neighbors reported that he had been seen stepping out of his shed, “butt-ass naked” and carrying a chain saw. No word on whether he felled any trees while naked as the cops quickly put a stop to such foolishness, charging him with disorderly conduct.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Ormond Beach, Florida, where cops were called to a report of a stolen BMW. Putting things together, it seems the owner left the Beamer unattended while walking his dog. Our bozo spotted it and, finding the keys left behind in a cupholder, absconded with the vehicle. The BMW was too much car for him and after a quick drive at speeds over 100 MPH he crashed the car in a one vehicle accident. Suffering only minor injuries, our bozo was in a chatty mood when the cops arrived. He first thanked the officers and passersby for “saving him from aliens.” He then went on to explain that he hadn’t stolen the car but had instead been teleported into it. While he gets extra points for a creative excuse, he’s still busted! And charged with grand theft auto, a felony, and driving on a license that was suspended in 2019.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Iowa City, Iowa, where bozo Damon Adams parked his 2012 Chevy Impala on the side of the Interstate, walked to the rear of the vehicle, leaned himself up against it and dropped his pants. Not surprisingly, “Little Damon” was soon reported to the cops. The bozo excuse of the week was then offered up by our perpetrator as he told the officers he needed a little “excitement” in his “blah” life. Well, that life just go a lot more exciting, as his lengthy rap sheet, including a probation violation for a previous felony conviction, let to his transfer into the custody of state prison officials.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Auckland, New Zealand. Our bozo, as yet unidentified, walked into a jewelry store and asked to see the Octopussy egg, a $20,000 Faberge egg featured in the 007 movie of the same title. After examining the bauble, our bozo popped it into his mouth and swallowed it. And rather than fleeing he hung around the store, perhaps looking for something else to eat. The Auckland city beat team arrived within minutes and our bozo was placed under arrest. As of this writing, authorities are still waiting for the egg to make its way out the rear exit. Perhaps in preparation of the passing, the cops report our bozo had also stolen some kitty litter and a tray a few days before. He’s been charged with theft.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Anthony Lucero for sending in today’s report from St. Charles County, Missouri. Cops were called to a report of a 2:30 am break-in at the local Circle-K. Upon arrival, the cops found a shattered glass door and, inside, our bozo, enjoying a sweet tea and a beef stick. When asked why he committed the break-in, he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week, saying, “I know you are going to think I am crazy, but there is an Al intelligence speaker in my neck.” Well, OK then. Maybe Mr. AI can also serve as your lawyer. Busted! Charged with a “felony amount” of damage to the Circle-K and a “misdemeanor amount” of stolen beef sticks.