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Bozo criminal for today comes from Monroe, Louisiana, where the cops were called to a residence on a report of domestic battery. Upon arrival, the cops found our victim, the wife, with food splattered on her and a lump on the back of her head. She testified that her husband of 34 years, the bozo, had thrown the food and a metal spoon during an argument with the spoon causing the lump on her head. Pretty simple case. Our bozo was being read his rights and handcuffed when he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He stated that, in Louisiana, it was not illegal to throw food items at your wife. Excuse denied. Busted! And sent to jail on charges of domestic abuse battery.

Another week, and another story about a bozo and a Tesla…are we starting to see a pattern here? Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Don Reese for sending in today’s report from Tampa, Florida, where bozo Dexter Hayes went to the local Tesla dealership to test drive a Cybertruck. After filling out the paperwork and giving them his drivers license, our bozo took the truck for a spin. And never came back. Repeated phone calls and emails got no response but the truck’s geolocation tracking enabled the sales person to track him down. He was inside Home Depot with the truck left in the parking lot. The salesperson recovered the truck and reported the incident to the police. End of story, right? Wrong. The next day our bozo returned to the dealership, irate, and wanting to get back his belongings that he left behind in the truck. The cops were called and, while searching our bozo, they found five credit/bank cards in the name of five different people. Busted! Charged with grand theft of more than $100,000 and unlawful possession of personal identification.

With all the news in recent days of Teslas being vandalized, you know it was only a matter of time before one of the incidents involved a Bozo. Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Ron Ruth for sending in today’s report from Doylestown Township, Pennslyvania. It seems bozo Charles Rucker pulled his Lexus up next to a parked Tesla and proceeded to scratch a swastika into the vehicle. A couple of problems here. First, as most everyone knows by now, Teslas are equipped with on board cameras that record anytime someone is messing with the car. And second, after doing the scratch job, instead of driving away, our bozo walked into Planet Fitness to get in his workout, scanning his membership card in the process. Oops. Busted! Charged with misdemeanor counts of criminal mischief and harassment, and two counts of summary harassment and disorderly conduct.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Palm Bay, Florida, where police were called to a report of a trespasser at a shopping center. Upon arrival, they found bozo Christopher Mason, 40, in full Ronald McDonald gear complete with a red and white striped shirt and yellow vest and pants. No red shoes were seen, however. As the cop approached, he said, “You look like a clown.” To which our bozo replied, “No s**t. I AM a clown, stupid.” Well, maybe so, but you’re still trespassing. A body search turned up a orange replica gun and, in a backpack, other clown outfits and a pack of 10 red noses. The charges are nothing to laugh about, however. Trespassing, a misdemeanor and resisting officers with violence, a felony. This isn’t his first run-in with the law as he has previous convictions for trespass, resisting arrest, and possession of drug paraphernalia after being arrested outside a McDonalds.

Our bozo story for today comes from the jurisprudence file. A judge in Grand Blanc Township, Michigan has cancelled plans for bozos convicted of shoplifting from the local Walmart to wash the cars of customers in the store parking lot. Citing “safety, liability, insurance and ethical concerns” the judge ordered the free car wash be put off pending further study. The Bozo Report hereby offers this solution: Have them wash the cars naked so there will be no place to hide any pilfered articles. Problem Solved. You’re Welcome.

Over the years, there is one thing that has become obvious to us here at the Bozo Report: Bozos and nakedness go together like peanut butter and jelly. Or something like that. And today’s report from Bozo News Hawk Anthony Lucero confirms just that. Police in Bargersville, Indiana, were called to a report of a break-in in progress. When they arrived, they found our bozo inside the vehicle, nekkid as jaybird. He climbed out of the car, and with minimal things for the cops to grab hold of, managed to escape and lead them on a merry chase through the streets of Bargersville. Eventually he was corralled and arrested. Charged with theft, resisting law enforcement, unlawful entry of a motor vehicle, disorderly conduct and indecent exposure. Not surprisingly, cops say drugs may have been involved.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Craig Sullivan for sending in today’s report from Indianapolis, Indiana. It was just another day at Indianapolis International Airport until bozo George Sloan showed up at the TSA checkpoint and triggered an alarm that required further screening. The TSA officer began the pat-down and there must have been something that wasn’t to our bozo’s liking, leading him to call the officer a “freak” four times. But things didn’t stop there. When the officer asked our bozo to remove his belt, he went into an impromptu striptease, dropping into a squat and shaking his butt at security staff. Officers were called and upon arrival our bozo said, “What do you want to see?” and dropped his pants and underwear to his ankles, giving he whole airport the full frontal nudity treatment. And as a final insult, he shoved his underwear in the TSA officer’s face before tossing it in the general direction of police officers. At this point, his free strip show came to an end. He was arrested and, given his prior criminal history, was sentenced to 33 months in jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Cartagena, Columbia, where customs officers have seen just about everything, but this was, well, unique. Officers were keeping an eye on the scanner as passengers were boarding the plane from Columbia to Amsterdam when they noticed something strange about our bozo. It was his head, specifically the top of his head. It tooked kind of… lumpy. He was quickly pulled aside and the lumps were found to be $10,000 worth of cocaine that he had tried to stash under his toupee. Busted! Charged with drug trafficking

Bozo criminal for today comes from Mankato, Minnesota, where police were investigating a van that was reportedly stolen and then sold for parts. In the course of the the investigation, our bozo, Vanessa Gonzalez, turned up as the leading suspect, even being ID-ed by workers at the auto salvage business where she allegedly sold the stolen vehicle. But she was sticking to her story that she had nothing to do with the theft, until an officer turned up her diary. Yep, apparently people still keep diaries. And in that diary, on the date the van was stolen, she had written “Totally stole a car today!” Oops. Busted! Charged with theft of a motor vehicle.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Carlisle, Cumbria, England. Bozo Brian Helms was caught on CCTV breaking into a van, where he and an accomplice stole a nailgun, cordless drill and charger. Their crime spree continued down the street where they broke into a Ford Focus and grabbed a silver ring. But wait, there’s more. A couple of miles down the road they stole a wooden wishing well off a doorstep before dumping it on a nearby street. They then attempted to use a garden chair to climb up and break into a nearby home but failed to gain access. Video footage alone would probably have been enough to have our bozo placed under arrest, but there was one more thing…and this is what landed him on the bozo report. Somewhere along the way he stepped in dog poo and left a footprint. And he was still wearing those shoes, with dog poo attached, when the cops grabbed him. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Wildwood, Florida, where bozo Oquavious Davis was enjoying a bologna sandwich while having fun on his PlayStation 5. Unfortunately, one man’s fun, especially if he’s making too much racket, can lead to problems. Such was the case with Oquavious’s stepfather, in whose house our bozo was staying in while on probation. Stepdad asked our bozo to keep the noise down and one thing led to another, culminating in our bozo hurling his bologna sandwich at his stepdad, hitting him in the chest. The cops were called and while the victim “had no visible injuries” from the meat missile, he had somehow managed to record the whole incident on his cell phone. What would have normally been a misdemeanor domestic incident was upgraded to a felony due to our bozo’s prior battery convictions, both of which involved video games. Maybe he should take up something calmer, like Hacky Sack.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Craig Sullivan for sending in today’s report from Bullhead City, Arizona. It seems there had been a couple of bank robberies in town recently, leading to the release of surveillance photos from the heists. The photos were pretty clear, too, and even included a picture of the robber’s getaway truck. And to help with the investigation a $1000 reward was being offered for information leading to the arrest of the suspect. Pretty much straightforward stuff, and then the true bozo nature of the suspect was revealed. It seems a concerned citizen had recognized our bozo robber from the photos that had been made public and, as luck would have it, he happened to encounter said bozo. We’re not exactly sure what happened next, but it would seem the concerned citizen called the robber out and even pointed a gun at him. Well, this was just too much for our bozo to take. He fled the scene and went straight to police headquarters. No, not to turn himself in, but instead to complain to the cops that someone had the NERVE to accuse him of being a bank robber and had threatened him with a gun. Bad, bad idea. The cops recognized him as well and executed a search warrant on his vehicle. His truck contained all of the clothing, including the sunglasses, hat and masks, that matched what he wore during the robberies. Detectives also discovered the notes he had used to demand money from the bank tellers. Busted! And booked into jail on two bank robbery charges.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Anthony Lucero for sending in today’s report from Los Angeles, California. It would seem we have our first ever violation of Bozo Rule #987767 which states: You can’t carjack a driverless car. In case you don’t know, LA has several driverless Waymo robotaxis prowling the streets. Our bozo hopped in and attempted to commandeer the vehicle but he was thwarted by remote technicians who disabled the car. Stumped by this technology, our bozo seemingly didn’t know what to do and remained inside. Maybe he was threatening to yank out the computer’s chips. Anyway, he stayed in the car until police arrived in riot gear. He was removed and placed under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from the International File in Qualicum Beach, Vancouver Island, British Columbia, Canada. On New Year’s Eve around 5:30 p.m., police received a report of a possible drunken driver. When the cops arrived they found not one, but two vehicles stopped on the side of the road. Apparently our bozo had decided to take matters into his own hands and was instructing the alleged drunken driver to go no further. Officers determined the first driver to be sober and merely having trouble driving in the dark. Our bozo on the other hand was found to be intoxicated and was arrested. His car was impounded for 30 days and he was prohibited from driving for 90 days. And maybe the judge should have issued a Mind Your Own Business order also.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Don Reese for sending in another tale of a bozo full of the Christmas Spirit. Maybe too full…Police in Leonardtown, Maryland, were called to the Holy Angels Catholic Church during mass on Christmas Eve. It seems bozo Thomas Green was causing a disturbance by rolling an onion down the aisle of the church. And when a parishioner escorted him outside he pelted the poor man with tangerines. His mission there complete, the cops sent him home. Instead, our bozo headed over to the St. Francis Xavier Catholic Church where he poured whiskey into the holy water and threatened to hit anyone who tried to intervene with a whiskey bottle. The cops arrived and hauled him off to St. Mary’s hospital for evaluation. He was charged with second degree assault, disorderly conduct, defacing religious property, obstructing a religious exercise, a religious crime against a group, threat of mass violence and disturbing the peace.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Anthony Lucero for sending in today’s report from Fall River, Massachusetts. Cops were executing a search warrant at a residence when our two bozos made a quick exit, going out a window and up to the roof. Bozo number one leapt from the roof to a parked car while bozo number two, obviously full of the holiday spirit, decided to go down the chimney. Unfortunately, this isn’t as easy as Santa makes it look and our 109 pound bozo quickly found himself stuck. Officers made sure he could breathe while the Fall River Fire Department was called to help with his extraction. After enough bricks were chipped away to free him he was taken to a hospital where he was medically cleared just in time to be charged with possession of Class A drugs, Class B drugs and multiple charges from outstanding warrants. Bozo number one was also arrested and charged.

Bozo Criminal for today comes from Caseville, Michigan, where the cops responded to a breaking and entering at a vacation residence. Upon arrival, they found our bozo sound asleep in the master bedroom. Further investigation revealed there had been a report of a break in a couple of days before. After being questioned, our bozo admitted he was indeed the repeat offender, admitting that he had broken in for a snooze at least three times in the past month. While we realize that everyone needs a good night’s sleep, you’re still busted! Charged with three counts of breaking and entering a residence.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Clearwater, Florida, where Bozo Melonie Mayer paid a visit to the local Cane’s Chicken Fingers restaurant. After exiting the drive-thru our bozo discovered she was missing 8 containers of the famous Cane’s dipping sauce that was supposed to come with her order. She promptly entered the restaurant and demanded that the manager give her the sauce. The manager complied but apparently that just wasn’t good enough for our bozo, who then demanded that she should get extra sauces in exchange for “wasting her time and gas.” When the manager denied the extra sauce demand, our bozo became irate, yelling and screaming and and attempting to tear the manager’s keys and ID lanyard from her belt. The cops were called and our bozo was arrested and taken to jail. And the cost of a container of the sauce that caused all this? Thirty nine cents.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Cape Coral, Florida. Today’s social media is full of “influencers”, people who post basically everything going on in their lives for the whole world to see. Here is our first known instance of an influencer who was moonlighting as a Bozo. It seems 22 year-old Martina Chavez visited the local Target store and loaded her shopping cart with $500 worth of merchandise. When it came time to self-check out, instead of scanning the items our bozo instead scanned false barcodes with cheaper prices. She was allowed to leave but employees alerted the local cops, along with a video of the deed. The cops posted the video, asking for the public’s help in identifying the suspect. It didn’t take long before the tip line was ringing with our bozo’s ID. But here’s where it gets weird. The cops discovered our bozo was a very popular TikTok star, with over 300,000 followers. And she had even posted a video of herself placing the items in her cart and loading them into her car. No, she didn’t tell her followers she hadn’t paid for the loot. Busted! Charged with petty theft.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Don Reese for bringing us this report from Bradenton, Florida. The recent damage from Hurricane Milton also brought out a spike in bozo activity. Bozo Veronica Tellez applied for hurricane assistance, claiming that damage from the hurricane forced her to move out of her home. Her request for $8000 was approved and now all she had to do was stop by city offices to pick up her check. So far, so good, right? Wrong. It seems our bozo had filed a fraudulent claim, using her mother’s name, drivers license and social security to apply. A sharp-eyed city employee noticed the difference in appearance between our bozo and her mother’s picture on the ID. And that’s when she came up with the Bozo Excuse of the Day. She said looked good because she had recently “undergone botox treatments.” Uh-huh. It was then requested that she come back tomorrow to pick up the check and when she did the cops were waiting for her. Busted! Charged with filing a fraudulent insurance claim.