Well, It Seemed Like a Good Idea
Our bozo story for today comes from the jurisprudence file. A judge in Grand Blanc Township, Michigan has cancelled plans for bozos convicted of shoplifting from the local Walmart to wash the cars of customers in the store parking lot. Citing “safety, liability, insurance and ethical concerns” the judge ordered the free car wash be put off pending further study. The Bozo Report hereby offers this solution: Have them wash the cars naked so there will be no place to hide any pilfered articles. Problem Solved. You’re Welcome.
One More Guy Trying to Make America Naked Again
Over the years, there is one thing that has become obvious to us here at the Bozo Report: Bozos and nakedness go together like peanut butter and jelly. Or something like that. And today’s report from Bozo News Hawk Anthony Lucero confirms just that. Police in Bargersville, Indiana, were called to a report of a break-in in progress. When they arrived, they found our bozo inside the vehicle, nekkid as jaybird. He climbed out of the car, and with minimal things for the cops to grab hold of, managed to escape and lead them on a merry chase through the streets of Bargersville. Eventually he was corralled and arrested. Charged with theft, resisting law enforcement, unlawful entry of a motor vehicle, disorderly conduct and indecent exposure. Not surprisingly, cops say drugs may have been involved.
But No One Cared on “The Full Monty”…
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Craig Sullivan for sending in today’s report from Indianapolis, Indiana. It was just another day at Indianapolis International Airport until bozo George Sloan showed up at the TSA checkpoint and triggered an alarm that required further screening. The TSA officer began the pat-down and there must have been something that wasn’t to our bozo’s liking, leading him to call the officer a “freak” four times. But things didn’t stop there. When the officer asked our bozo to remove his belt, he went into an impromptu striptease, dropping into a squat and shaking his butt at security staff. Officers were called and upon arrival our bozo said, “What do you want to see?” and dropped his pants and underwear to his ankles, giving he whole airport the full frontal nudity treatment. And as a final insult, he shoved his underwear in the TSA officer’s face before tossing it in the general direction of police officers. At this point, his free strip show came to an end. He was arrested and, given his prior criminal history, was sentenced to 33 months in jail.
They Flipped His Lid and Found…
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Cartagena, Columbia, where customs officers have seen just about everything, but this was, well, unique. Officers were keeping an eye on the scanner as passengers were boarding the plane from Columbia to Amsterdam when they noticed something strange about our bozo. It was his head, specifically the top of his head. It tooked kind of… lumpy. He was quickly pulled aside and the lumps were found to be $10,000 worth of cocaine that he had tried to stash under his toupee. Busted! Charged with drug trafficking
Going to Jail? Totally!
Looking for a Bozo? Just Follow Your Nose
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Carlisle, Cumbria, England. Bozo Brian Helms was caught on CCTV breaking into a van, where he and an accomplice stole a nailgun, cordless drill and charger. Their crime spree continued down the street where they broke into a Ford Focus and grabbed a silver ring. But wait, there’s more. A couple of miles down the road they stole a wooden wishing well off a doorstep before dumping it on a nearby street. They then attempted to use a garden chair to climb up and break into a nearby home but failed to gain access. Video footage alone would probably have been enough to have our bozo placed under arrest, but there was one more thing…and this is what landed him on the bozo report. Somewhere along the way he stepped in dog poo and left a footprint. And he was still wearing those shoes, with dog poo attached, when the cops grabbed him. Busted!
Hold the Mayo, and the Bologna, and the Bread, Too
Bozo criminal for today comes from Wildwood, Florida, where bozo Oquavious Davis was enjoying a bologna sandwich while having fun on his PlayStation 5. Unfortunately, one man’s fun, especially if he’s making too much racket, can lead to problems. Such was the case with Oquavious’s stepfather, in whose house our bozo was staying in while on probation. Stepdad asked our bozo to keep the noise down and one thing led to another, culminating in our bozo hurling his bologna sandwich at his stepdad, hitting him in the chest. The cops were called and while the victim “had no visible injuries” from the meat missile, he had somehow managed to record the whole incident on his cell phone. What would have normally been a misdemeanor domestic incident was upgraded to a felony due to our bozo’s prior battery convictions, both of which involved video games. Maybe he should take up something calmer, like Hacky Sack.
He Was Shocked, Shocked To Be Accused of Such a Crime!
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Craig Sullivan for sending in today’s report from Bullhead City, Arizona. It seems there had been a couple of bank robberies in town recently, leading to the release of surveillance photos from the heists. The photos were pretty clear, too, and even included a picture of the robber’s getaway truck. And to help with the investigation a $1000 reward was being offered for information leading to the arrest of the suspect. Pretty much straightforward stuff, and then the true bozo nature of the suspect was revealed. It seems a concerned citizen had recognized our bozo robber from the photos that had been made public and, as luck would have it, he happened to encounter said bozo. We’re not exactly sure what happened next, but it would seem the concerned citizen called the robber out and even pointed a gun at him. Well, this was just too much for our bozo to take. He fled the scene and went straight to police headquarters. No, not to turn himself in, but instead to complain to the cops that someone had the NERVE to accuse him of being a bank robber and had threatened him with a gun. Bad, bad idea. The cops recognized him as well and executed a search warrant on his vehicle. His truck contained all of the clothing, including the sunglasses, hat and masks, that matched what he wore during the robberies. Detectives also discovered the notes he had used to demand money from the bank tellers. Busted! And booked into jail on two bank robbery charges.
So How Do You Pay For the Ride? In Bitcoin?
Citizen’s Arrest Gone Awry!
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from the International File in Qualicum Beach, Vancouver Island, British Columbia, Canada. On New Year’s Eve around 5:30 p.m., police received a report of a possible drunken driver. When the cops arrived they found not one, but two vehicles stopped on the side of the road. Apparently our bozo had decided to take matters into his own hands and was instructing the alleged drunken driver to go no further. Officers determined the first driver to be sober and merely having trouble driving in the dark. Our bozo on the other hand was found to be intoxicated and was arrested. His car was impounded for 30 days and he was prohibited from driving for 90 days. And maybe the judge should have issued a Mind Your Own Business order also.
We Know Who Didn’t Get What He Wanted For Christmas
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Don Reese for sending in another tale of a bozo full of the Christmas Spirit. Maybe too full…Police in Leonardtown, Maryland, were called to the Holy Angels Catholic Church during mass on Christmas Eve. It seems bozo Thomas Green was causing a disturbance by rolling an onion down the aisle of the church. And when a parishioner escorted him outside he pelted the poor man with tangerines. His mission there complete, the cops sent him home. Instead, our bozo headed over to the St. Francis Xavier Catholic Church where he poured whiskey into the holy water and threatened to hit anyone who tried to intervene with a whiskey bottle. The cops arrived and hauled him off to St. Mary’s hospital for evaluation. He was charged with second degree assault, disorderly conduct, defacing religious property, obstructing a religious exercise, a religious crime against a group, threat of mass violence and disturbing the peace.
And A Very Merry Christmas To All
When You Find a Place With One of Those Sleep Number Beds, You Keep Coming Back
Well, That Cane’s Sauce Really Is Good
A Real Black Friday Special
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Cape Coral, Florida. Today’s social media is full of “influencers”, people who post basically everything going on in their lives for the whole world to see. Here is our first known instance of an influencer who was moonlighting as a Bozo. It seems 22 year-old Martina Chavez visited the local Target store and loaded her shopping cart with $500 worth of merchandise. When it came time to self-check out, instead of scanning the items our bozo instead scanned false barcodes with cheaper prices. She was allowed to leave but employees alerted the local cops, along with a video of the deed. The cops posted the video, asking for the public’s help in identifying the suspect. It didn’t take long before the tip line was ringing with our bozo’s ID. But here’s where it gets weird. The cops discovered our bozo was a very popular TikTok star, with over 300,000 followers. And she had even posted a video of herself placing the items in her cart and loading them into her car. No, she didn’t tell her followers she hadn’t paid for the loot. Busted! Charged with petty theft.
Could You Give Me the Name of That Doctor?
Can a Guy In a Bear Suit Fool an Insurance Investigator? Apparently Not
Over the years, we’ve heard a lot of insurance fraud stories but the sheer bozo-ness of this one puts it at the top of the list. Four bozos in Los Angeles hatched a scheme to claim that the interior of their 2010 Rolls Royce was destroyed by a bear. And to provide proof, they even had a video surveillance tape showing the bear doing the deed. That ultimately turned out to be their downfall. Insurance investigators immediately claimed it was a man in a bear suit tearing up the car’s interior. A couple of things sealed the deal. First, the scratch marks were perfectly straight, something that most likely wouldn’t have happened with a real bear. And, second, the way the bear opened the car door so easily using his “paw” was suspect. And then there’s that bear suit that was found in one of our bozo’s homes. Busted! Charged with insurance fraud and conspiracy.
Is That A Bottle of Johnnie Walker Or Are You Just Glad To See Me
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Melbourne East, Australia, where a very exclusive bottle of Johnnie Walker Scotch was on display at the local liquor store. And we’re talking really exclusive, the price tag on the Masters of Flavour edition was $62,000 Australian dollars. Our bozo was captured on video talking to employees about the bottle just before he was seen exiting the store clutching the front of his pants. Yep, he stuffed the bottle of Scotch down his pants before walking out. Unfortunately for him the video enabled the cops to make a quick arrest before he was even able to enjoy it on the rocks.
If Only He Had GPS
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