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Bozo criminals for today attempted to take advantage of the recent hurricane damage in Florida. As Hurricane Helene was approaching, many areas of Madiera Beach were closed to public access. One of those areas was a strip center whose tenants included a realtor, a gift shop selling crystals and shark teeth, and a store selling Donald Trump merchandise. Now, if you are a couple of bozos and want to make a quick buck selling stolen merchandise, which place would you hit? If you guessed the Trump store, you’re right! They didn’t get far as one of our bozos just couldn’t resist wearing that nice Trump cowboy hat he had just pilfered. When the cops approached and asked what they were doing with all the Trump stuff, they offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. They told them it “washed up in the hurricane.” Sorry you’re busted! Charged with burglarizing an unoccupied structure, a felony, and loitering and prowling, a misdemeanor. They are each locked up in the county jail in lieu of $2500 bond and have been ordered by a judge to stay away from the Trump store.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Don Reese for sending in today’s report from Pawnee County, Oklahoma. Bozo Cody Alexander was scheduled to appear in court on charges of unauthorized use of a motor vehicle. One problem…he had no means of transportation to get to court. So he headed down to the local OnCue convenience store and began asking strangers if they could give him a lift. When he found no takers, his mind went into full Bozo mode. Looking around the parking lot, he spotted a Lifenet Emergency Medical Services vehicle that was left running and unattended. That was just too much to resist. He hopped in the truck and drove more than 30 miles to court. During the drive, the truck’s owners reported the vehicle as stolen, and, as luck would have it, a trooper just happened to be driving by the courthouse and noticed the truck parked outside. The officer went inside and our bozo was placed under arrest. But wait, the story doesn’t end there. The cop asked our bozo what time his court appearance was scheduled for and allowed him to wait comfortably in the cruiser until he was due to appear. He then walked him in, handcuffed. Not the best look.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Lawrence County, Missouri, which features a violation of Bozo Rule Number 22733: If you’re wanted, it’s a good idea to stay off social media. The Aurora and Marionville Police Police department asked for help from the public in tracking down our bozo, posting his name on their social media account and asking for anyone with information concerning his whereabouts to please come forward. And the first response to the post? None other than our bozo who said, “Aurora and Marionville Police Department What’s Up?” The cops responded and our bozo went back and forth with them on line, leading to his arrest for operating a vehicle without a valid license, three counts of resisting arrest for a felony, receiving stolen property, unlawful possession of a firearm, possession of controlled substances, first-degree burglary and stealing.

Bozo criminal for today comes from that hotbed of bozo activity, the state of Florida. Specifically, the city of Flagler. Police were called to the local Target after a manager reported our bozo had walked out of the store without paying for a $539 electric scooter. Now, if you were a bozo and you had just shoplifted an expensive scooter, what would you do? A. Hop into a waiting getaway car with you stolen merchandise. B. Run as fast as you can and get away from the scene. C. Sit down in front of the store and start assembling it so you can enjoy your new toy. If you selected “C”, congratulations, you show a keen understanding of the Bozo Mind. That’s exactly what he did. He was still working on it when the cops arrived and gave him a free ride to jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Ann Arbor, Michigan, where bozo Corey Hampton was scheduled to appear before the judge on a driving with a suspended license charge. The court had allowed his appearance to be by a Zoom call, so the judge was rather surprised when the first words out of our bozo’s mouth were, “Actually, I’m pulling into my doctor’s office … So just give me one second.” Yep, a guy who had his license suspended was driving while he checked in with the judge. Busted! He was ordered to report to the county jail by 6pm. And you can add a charge of holding a cell phone while driving, which is illegal in Michigan.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Citrus County, Florida, where Hurricane Debby recently caused damage. And also provided the Bozo Excuse of the Week, as we shall soon see. A sheriff’s department officer was on his way to inspect storm damage when he came upon our bozo. She was spinning her wheels at a stop light and, as she pulled away, he observed her driving erratically, continuously turning her emergency flashers on and off. He pulled her over and as he approached the car, he could smell alcohol. When she was unable to successfully walk a straight line in the field sobriety test, she offered up a unique excuse. She said the strong winds from the storm were interfering with her ability to walk. Well, that and the three empty shooters of alcohol, a can of beer and an unopened shooter that were on the front seat. Busted! She waited out the storm in jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Akron, Ohio, where management at a local auto wrecking business were fed up with bozos stealing parts off the cars on their lot. When a guy that had been suspected of stealing before was seen on the premises, they were ready. While he was inside the car, they drove a large forklift up to the vehicle. Before he even knew what was going on he was 20 feet in the air. And they refused to let him down until police arrived. Busted! Charged with criminal trespass and possession of criminal tools.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Bakersfield, Missouri. It seems bozo Jared Ferguson was pulled over on a routine traffic stop. When it was determined that our bozo did not have insurance on the vehicle the officer informed him the car would have to be towed. Another deputy told him that, since it was so hot, he would give him a ride back to his residence. Great, said our bozo, just let me grab something out of the back of the car. OK. That something turned out to be some canned vegetables and a bucket of marijuana. Lots of marijuana, over a pound, multiple baggies of methamphetamine weighing 43 grams, a scale, a broken glass pipe and a cell phone. Busted! Charged with felony drug trafficking and unlawful possessing of drug paraphernalia with intent to use.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Anthony Lucero for sending in today’s report from Albuquerque, New Mexico. Officers were called to a report of a noisy party going on a residence. Upon arrival, they found a group of folks, including our bozo, sitting outside and enjoying a few adult beverages. Seemed like a rather routine call until it came time to ask our bozo for his ID. He gave them a false name before jumping a nearby fence onto the property of a dialysis clinic next door. And then things got weird. Our bozo headed to a nearby residence where he stole a bicycle, and then proceeded to pedal back to the dialysis clinic. He jumped off the bike, climbed onto the roof of the clinic and opened a hatch near the air conditioning unit. That’s about as far as he got. It seems he’s a little bigger than the hatch and he soon found himself stuck. After his removal by the police, he was charged with breaking and entering, criminal damage over $1,000, concealing identity and criminal trespass. Additionally, he was charged with doing $35,000 in damages to the air conditioning system.

Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Petersburg, Florida, where the cops were called to a report of a disturbance at a residence. Upon arrival, they found a messy scene. The walls and floor had red spatters all over them and the victim had the same red material in her hair. Don’t get ahead of us here…the red spatters are not blood. They are…spaghetti sauce. The victim, the sauce hurling assailant’s mother, told police her son had become upset with her and had thrown his Sunday supper bowl of spaghetti at her. Our bozo fled the scene when cops arrived, attempting to hide behind a bush in the backyard. He was quickly taken into custody and charged with domestic battery and resisting an officer. This isn’t his first run-in with the law, either. He has a previous conviction for “throwing a deadly missile into a building.” The missile in this case was an empty Heineken bottle tossed after being asked to leave a party. A judge has ordered him to have no contact with his mother, and additionally he was placed on a soft food diet.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Catamount for sending in this doozy from the International File in Shenzhen, China. To set the scene, there is apparently a large market for snakes in mainland China and our bozo found himself in possession of 104 of the squirmy creatures. Now, all he had to do was get them across the boundary between Hong Kong and Shenzhen. Lots of ways to do this…pack them in luggage? Nah. Perhaps secure them in packing crates? Nope. Stuff them down your pants and head directly to the “nothing to declare” gate? Yep, that’s the ticket. Only it wasn’t. Guards noticed his bulging, undulating crotch. Busted! He’s under arrest. No word on the fate of the snakes.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mike Sheffield for sending in today’s report from Los Angeles, California. As you may be aware, LA is home to many so-called “influencers” who take delight in showing off every aspect of their lives. Perhaps that’s what our bozo robbers had in mind, when, after a successful robbery at an LA 7-Eleven, one of them posted a picture of the cash on his Instagram account. He also tagged the accounts of his accomplices on the post. Not the best idea. Using surveillance camera footage taken at this and several other 7-Eleven robberies, they were able to tie our bozos to the crimes. Perhaps his next influencer post will be of the nice bologna sandwiches at the jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Southold, Long Island, New York, where the cops responded to a domestic violence call. When the police pulled up, our bozo ran from the house, jumped into his car and sped away. He led them on high speed chase back and forth along Long Island, at times doing well over 100 MPH. He then turned onto Sound Road in Greenport, a road that leads straight to the water. The cops watched in amazement as he continued to pick up speed as he headed toward the end of the street. Never slowing down or hitting the brakes, he hit an embankment and went airborne over the bluff, plummeting into Long Island Sound, landing in five feet of water. But just like our old friend Wile E. Coyote, he emerged uninjured. Busted! Facing various charges, including fleeing from police.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Richmond, British Columbia, Canada, where the RCMP released an interesting video. It shows our bozo, along with an accomplice, smashing a window of a business and then attempting to set the place ablaze. While lighting the fire, our bozo also caught his pants on fire and then lost his mask as he rolled on the ground trying to extinguish the flames. OUCH. Based on the clear picture of his face the RCMP is hoping someone will come forward and identify our bozo. And give him something for that burn, which looks pretty painful.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lady Lake, Florida. Bozo Michael Frazier walked into the Chase Bank branch and handed the teller a cash withdrawal slip. For $00.01. Yep, he requested to withdraw one cent. When told this couldn’t be done since he didn’t have an account with the bank our bozo replied, “So you want me to say the other word?” The teller could see trouble was brewing and notified the cops. Our bozo, seemingly resigned to his fate, simply sat down and waited for the police to arrive. Busted! Charged on a felony robbery charge. No word on what he planned to do with the penny.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Anthony Lucero for sending in today’s report from Albuquerque, New Mexico, where a citizen called to report the residence next door was on fire. And she knew exactly what had happened. She told the cops that our bozo showed up on her security camera approaching the property’s fence with a five-gallon gas can in hand. He jumped the fence and poured the gas around three vehicles that were parked in the driveway. So far so good. Then, he struck a match. The gas ignited the cars and quickly spread to the house, but unfortunately it also ignited our bozo. Video shows him hopping around trying to extinguish the flames before jumping the fence again and speeding away in a truck parked just down the street. To fill in the details, it was another case of love gone bad. The cars and residence belonged to his ex-girlfriend, who was not injured. Based on the video evidence, an arrest is pending.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Gregory Lay for sending in today’s report from Lakeland, Florida, which once again points out that Bozos and modern technology just don’t mix. Cops were called to a report of a disturbance at the Big Fish Bait and Tackle shop. Police determined that the cause of the disturbance was our bozo, who worked there, and was wanted on various charges including trafficking in stolen goods. At this time, however, our bozo was nowhere to be found. He was reported to have been seen entering the building but no one had seen him leave. A search turned up nothing. Where could he be? Fire rescue was called in and their FLIR camera, which can detect heat sources through walls, still turned up nothing. Officers were scratching their heads when the sound of a cell phone ringing began to echo through the ceiling. Moving the ceiling tiles out of the way, they spotted a hand sticking out of the insulation. Yep, he failed to put his phone on silent before going into hiding. Busted! Charged with Resisting an officer, felony criminal mischief (for causing about $1,000 on damage to his employer’s ceiling), multiple counts of violation of probation for burglary, providing false information to a pawnbroker, and trafficking in stolen property.

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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Tampa, Florida, where this call was a first for the 911 operators. Bozo Christy Taylor dialed them up to report that she was attempting to steal a car. Huh? Yep, she told the emergency operator that she was “trying to steal a car that’s not legally mine. So, ya’ll better come make a report.” To make things even easier, she also gave them the address of the car dealership. When the cops arrived, she offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Month. She said she was being trained in Black Ops to steal cars and she made the call so she could “do it legally.” Um, that’s not how it works. She’s been taken into custody and is facing trespassing charges.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Lavonia, Georgia, which also is a violation of Bozo Rule Number 3332323: If you return to the scene of the crime, at least try to stay awake. It seems bozo Manuel Parra broke into a residence, found a large jar of loose change and used it to purchase some beer. Then, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, he decided to return to the scene of the crime to consume it. One thing led to another and the next thing you know he’s passed out on the bedroom floor. And that’s where the homeowners parents, who were keeping an eye on the home, found him. Dad was packing and he held our bozo at gunpoint until officers arrived. Busted! And charged with breaking and entering and burglary.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Atlanta, Georgia, where our unidentified bozo thought a nail salon would be a great place for a hold-up. He was wrong. Surveillance camera footage shows him entering the salon, his hand in a bag, and shouting, “Everybody get down! Give me all your money.” Nail salon patrons and employees are not impressed. They simply stare at him and most barely move or change expressions. Finally one customer stands up, but instead of handing over her money, she backs out the door. Seeing that this just isn’t going as planned, our bozo gives up and leaves the salon.